Just trying to start over again, and it's hard. Where I've been....Where I'm going. It's not easy, and It's not necessarily pretty.

Back in May of 2000, I had a Great Job, I was engaged to who I thought was a decent man at the time, and 2 beautiful children.  Then, on a monday afternoon, I come home from work, and my daughter was sitting on daddy's lap(straddled)Clothes on, while he was watching some porn.  Shocked, overwhelmed, couldn't believe my eyes!  Speechless, I dropped to the couch, and cried.  He yells at me, "What the he** is wrong with you?".  He had been pretty controlling and emotionally abusive over the year we were together, I summed it up to just rocky times, but THIS?  This goes beyond hurting me.  The next day, I couldn't stand trying to pretend it never happened.  So, I took our son, and my daughter to my sister's house, and I decided to leave him.     He harrassed me at work, He stalked us at my sister's house, and then, decided to take my car so that I couldn't get to work.  I was not about to let him take my children anywhere.  So, I stayed at the house, called in, and resigned.  My Sister and I, along with our children, made headway to Montana, to stay with our Dad.  I'm not getting too much into that, because that is a story for another time.  Found out I was pregnant again,  I wasn't comfortable with staying with my Dad, so, I went to stay with a friend. That went bad, so, I went to stay with another friend, then another, then my mom. Had my daughter,  then my mom died from breast cancer, then I stayed with my sister in her apartment,  messed that one up good. Tried to go to college, and moved into an apartment with a boyfriend.  Got a Job with 7-Eleven.  Lost daycare for going to school, lost ability to go to school. Boyfriend beat my kids, broke my son's leg. So, quit work, and took myself and my babies BACK to my sisters.  Find out I'm pregnant again.  Decided to try living with my Dad in Montana again.  Had my son.  My Dad convinces me that I should go with a stranger to Helena Montana to get food stamps.  Get to the food stamp office, and then stranger proceeds to tell me that I am no longer welcome to my dad's home, and that I have to stay with her.  I get mad, demand to hear this from my Dad face to face.  Face to Face, my dad tell me that I am no longer welcome there.  So, I leave, and stranger takes me back to Helena Montana, to her place, she demands money, takes all but $20.  Demands that I give her what I have left.  I try calling homeless shelters, they ask for an address, stranger refuses to tell me where I am at.  I call police, and beg for assistance.  Stranger tells cops I was abusing my kids.  Cops check kids over, they are all ok.  Police take me to a motel.  Social Services comes to see me and my kids.  Takes us to the doctors, and has all the kids checked out.  All the kids are fine.  Proceed to Homeless Shelter, courtesy social services.  God's Love, what an amazing shelter.  Lost, no family to turn to, 4 beautiful children looking to me for their needs.  How am I going to do this?  Lost all hope, and so confused and alone, I give up my children to social services and procede to try to end my life.  Hospital saves me, social services wants to work with me, I want to try, I try, stuff happens, and I feel like crap is starting all over again!  Room mate starts accusing me of crazy crap, making things impossible for me to accomplish.  More crazy stuff happens, that's a story for another time.   Lose all hope, move to Florida.........fall in love, get prego, fight.........leave for Colorado, back at my sister's house, try to find a job, can't get daycare, can't get a job.  It's mostly my fault....All of this.  I'm the one who made the poor choices.   I deserve what I get, right?

Well, maybe you are right, and maybe you are wrong.  All I know is....I wouldn't wish what I've been through on my worst enemies.