STAGE ONE- " THE CHARMER "

When you meet an abuser he's very charming. Everyone loves him and can't say enough great things about him. He's a musician for the church, he's the preacher in the pulpit, he's a youth counselor, he's an activist for human rights, he's a single father, etc.,etc. Need I say more? Most abusers are men that are seen as leaders throughout their community, popular on their jobs or seemingly rounded individuals. With their secret hidden deeply in the darkness of their hearts most of them come with sob stories of how they where abused as a child or how the women they truly loved cheated on them; blah, blah, blah. What the unsuspecting women fail to realize is the flowers, charming words, and accolades are just tools of the betrayal, of a predator trapping his prey. One woman told of how her abuser would buy her diamonds, give her a full body massage, take her shopping and suprise her by sending flowers to her job. Another would tell how her abuser wrote her poetry, bought her furniture, shopped for her children, cooked, cleaned the house, prepared her warm bubble baths, etc. Just like the vampire, the abuser wants to be welcomed into your domain before he strikes. Unless, your defenses are down an abuser will not strike because he has to be in control.

STAGE TWO- THE ALIENATION

Once the abuser begins to melt you down with his charm, his next move is to alienate you from anyone that cares about you; including family. He creates this world where only you and he can exist. A world filled with passionate love making, laughter and joy. In this world he gets into your head. He finds out your weaknesses, your secrets. Hell, he will go as far as watching your favorite movies (chick flicks) with you. He makes you feel brand new. He begins to cause discord among you and your loved ones. He makes you feel that he's the only one on your side. The only one that loves and understand you. He manipulates you into severing all ties to your world and before you know it, HE STRIKES!

STAGE THREE- THE TAKING OF YOUR SPIRIT

After a small length of time has passed after you have severed ties with everyone that loves you, the demeanor of your abuser begins to transform from loving and caring to distant and evil. He begins to find other interest that will keep him away from you for long lengths of time. This is what I call the "set-up", because now that you have no one to communicate with other than him you begin to become angry because he is no longer there and when he is, he pushes you away. Once the complacency of your loneliness hits and anger begins to build you become irrational. Big mistake, because unbeknownst to you, this is what he's been waiting on. His excuse, to bring you harm. However, at this stage his last concern is to bring you bodily harm. He wants your spirit. WHY?, because he's the spawn of Satan. His mission is to take any glimmer of light out of your world. He wants to submerge your soul into darkness, because in darkness you will no longer possess hope. Anyway, once he has brought you to the point of confrontation and you speak out, this is when the party begins. He truly tells you how he feels about you. His face takes on another character because his eyes are no longer filled with light, only darkness. His smile turns into a sneer. He taunts you with all your insecurities and failures. He holds over your head, your dirty secrets. The secrets that you needed to get off your chest; but ones you definitely do not need to be revealed to the world. He's become your worst enemy; your worst nightmare. You cannot believe he's saying these things to you. You cannot believe the look of contempt, the disdain in his voice. With each word he's slowly killing your spirit. When he's done, you are so emotionally drained that you can't shed a tear. All you can do is look in bewilderment. You cannot speak and then that's when he hits you with " I can't stand your stupid ass, B-I-T-C-H!! You can feel your heart crumble in your chest. You feel weak in the knees and as in the scene of some epic movie, you fall to your knees and beg for him to have mercy. The devil has no mercy; Mercy is a Christian grace; being of God.Therefore, you are assed out. LOVE T.K.O! While you sit in your silence, you began to wonder if he had ever loved you, what did you do so wrong to make him feel this way, and all the other stupid crap set free from the verbal abuse you just received. Then it begins "Your journey to recapture your man's heart."

STAGE FOUR- " LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE "

In this stage you are all over the map. You don't know which way is up or who done it or what for. You are the shell of the person you once was. You are in a zombie state. You're defenseless. He has you just where he wants you. All you can focus on is winning him back and making him love you again. You can't imagine him no longer in your world. You can't have your loved ones laughing at you or your once girlfriends say "I told you so." You blame yourself, because you truly believe he's no longer happy. It's a game and when you turn your back, he's laughing. No matter how hard you try to please him, it's to no avail. Now he's in your head telling you no one wants you and you are worthless. Then he goes in for the kill and brings another woman into the picture. She, once like you, blind to his games goes along with him torturing you. Now once this commences you are ready to rumble. What kind of fool does he think you are for being with another woman.? How dare he disrespect you and not appreciate your love. HOW DARE HE? Easily...he's the devil. Once you begin going back and forth with the other woman your defenses become obsolete and without warning: HE HITS YOU!

THE FIFTH STAGE- " HE HITS YOU"

This is the time the other woman turns up the fire; because she's tired of sleeping alone and tired of watching him leave her bed and come to yours. She calls you one day and tells you that she loves your bedroom and how your sheets felt so good against her body and she wants to know the thread count.??? You forgot, you went to your parents because you thought he was not coming home. ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE! Now, you can feel the heat, the sensation of heat radiates from your head down to your toes. You feel as if you are about to pass out; but hell to the no, not before you hand out the two for one specials from the house of "KICK ASS." You slam down the phone and disconnect your call with her to call him or head directly to where you think he may be, or perhaps you just wait for him to come home. However way you get him into your presence can't be soon enough. On sight, you began your scream fest and get into his face. He just stares and tells you to back down, this only infuriates you more, you put your finger in his face, press down and hold it there. You never saw it coming, a right hook to the temple! From that point on the abuse begins, anything you do that he does not find pleasing will cause him to beat you.

Conclusion: You allow yourself to be beat because you feel as if you brought it all on yourself. Whatever you did to stop him from loving you and then you stepped on his fragile manhood by putting your finger in his face, blah, blah. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. He's an abusive ass, the spawn of Satan and has been since the day of your first meeting. He has left a trail of countless victims. You were not his first and definitely will not be his last. He manipulated you into believing he was about something; but honey he has always been about nothing. WALK AWAY AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!! I learned early in life about abusive relationships and how they lead to death. I learned that......

When you harm another human being you also harm their loved ones. My aunt was killed by someone she dearly loved. Her husband and the father of her children. Words cannot  describe the love and admiration I had for my aunt. We were very close and her being ripped out my life is something that I have yet to come to terms with. He killed her Christmas Day 1973. She was 19 years old and the mother of a toddler and a newborn. He shot her in the heart," in front of their two daughters ". At least he let her heal from the pistol whipping he had given her a few weeks before. At least he had the courtesy that when her family and friends viewed her body at the funeral they did not have to look at her face swollen and bruised, while she laid dead in her coffin. At least the sorry piece of____did that!

Before my aunt was murdered our family was close knit. Her death and the circumstances around her murder ripped our family apart. My grandfather and I was very close and after my aunt's funeral I went in to check on him while the family visited with people offering their condolences. When I went into his bedroom, my grandfather was crying. I could not believe it! I had never seen my grand father cry. My heart was already ripped... this just made it shred. My grand father was a strong man and nothing made him cry. All I could do was give him a hug. Once everything began to settle and my aunts murder trial began the grown ups began to fight because they blamed one another for not doing more to protect her; I blamed them all.To be honest with you, had I known that he was beating my aunt, I would have killed him myself.The irony of the whole situation is he taught me how to use the very gun that he used to murder my aunt. Looking back it was strange for him to teach an eight year old how to use a gun; but he only knows the reason why. After my aunt's death, I had many nightmares and anguished why this happened. My mom (her sister)suffered a severe nervous breakdown and for three months after the funeral she did not murmur a word to anyone. She was in shock and very devastated. My poor grandmother, took my aunt's daughters and went to the West Coast for three years because she could not stand being in her house knowing her child would never walk through her doors again. As for me, he robbed me of my childhood. He robbed me of the intimacy of truly loving a man without fear nor anger. He robbed me of trust. I find it very hard to trust anyone.

Therefore, you can only imagine the relationships that I have had over the years. I have endured domestic violence as well and I nearly killed my abuser. I did not believe I was a victim because I fought back. Him and I were both running around looking like Ike and Tina after the limo ride. It was pathetic to say the least. My mom was worried and feared I would become like my aunt, DEAD. It was until one day, my rage for men manifested and I nearly killed him. Although, I regret it, he brought it on himself because he should have kept his hands off me. Standing there with his blood on my hands and clothes, I saw the monster I had become and knew that I needed help; because I enjoyed it too much. I had no pity nor any regrets. I felt vindicated. For the first time, I WAS THE EVIL ONE.I walked away from the relationship that night and did not look back; because one if not both of us would have ended up dead and I definitely knew that was not love.

Many women do not have the confidence to walk away; because they have been beaten down so low their self-esteem is non-existent, she fears what he may do to her children or family if she leaves. Some women believe that her abuser is as good as it gets. My advice is Honey, you need to get gone, because these are your options: (1) Laying in your grave. or (2) Facing the death penalty for putting him in his. or (3) Continue to be terrorized like no horror movie could ever do. IT'S NOT WORTH IT! PICK YOURSELF UP AND DUST YOURSELF OFF. LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY. LIVE TO LOVE AGAIN. LIVE!!!!!

PFP. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

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