“I want to wear panties but... my wife / my kids / my job etc.” This statement is very common, and its a subset of a group of statements which fall under the umbrella of 'I would X if only it weren't for Y.' Whilst I have a great deal of sympathy for men who find themselves with close minded partners, I must also be aware that for whatever reason (and one assumes it wasn't a shotgun to the head,) that these men chose to marry or enter into comitted relationships with these women.

The same go for concerns about children. Children don't materialize out of thin air. You have to quite deliberately engage in an act which brings them about. (Having said that however, I don't honestly see what the fact that you have children has to do with your desire to wear women's clothing. You don't have to wear it in front of them if you don't want to.)

The important thing to realize is that you created the situation you find yourself in. That's not intended to be a statement of blame, rather it is a statement of fact. It is intended to remind you not to be bitter towards the innocents in your life who had no idea about your desires when they embarked upon your life journey with you. When you make decisions from a place of clarity, you make better decisions and you can execute them with less bitterness and acrimony.

Of course, in all this is the reality that people change. What was once a minor wifely flaw of inflexibility regarding dress can grow to be a problem of mammoth proportions twenty years down the track. In that case, you have the same sort of problem that any couple who are growing apart faces, and the same solution applies. You can either come together as the 'new' people you have now become, or you can go your separate ways.

Life has many paths, and most of us choose the path of least resistance. It's easy and comfortable and it has many benefits associated with it. But there are those parts of ourselves which want to push beyond the comfort zone. That want to test, expand and break boundaries. These are the parts of ourselves which want to grow, and conflict between the parts of ourselves which want to grow and expand and those other parts of ourselves which want to remain comfortable and stable can cause great anguish for many people, including, but not limited to those men who want to wear women's clothing.

A great deal of focus tends to fall on the issue at hand, ie, the panties or the dresses or whatever your particular poison is, but the reality of the issue is, its not actually about the object, what it is really about is the desire to do more and be more. If your partner objects, it may be because of what your desire represents. If you've been 'John' for twenty years, she may not want to meet Julie. That is the fearful element in her personality expressing itself.

As I said before, you can choose to leave a marriage or partnership because you want to evolve in your life, you can attempt to bring your partner along on the great journey, you can lead a double life in which you indulge your desires, or you can tuck your dreams away until such time as one of you dies. Each of these options brings with it its own joys, its own sorrows and its own tribulations.

As a woman, I fail to understand how some women think they have the right to tell their husbands what to wear. I see no reason why a man cannot say, 'Darling, I love lingerie and I am going to be wearing it from now on. I'd love to share it with you.' If a woman becomes angry, abusive or disrespectful then she doesn't really respect you or your relationship. End of story. That's not to say you can't or shouldn't compromise sometimes, but compromise doesn't mean that you don't get to have what you want in your life.

However, if you are contemplating a more serious lifestyle change, ie, if you want to become a woman yourself, then that is different. In those cases you are essentially 'killing' the man she married, and you can expect her to grieve and feel sorrow.

This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself. Do you like a little lingerie? Or are your feelings deeper? Should you be finding a mate who enjoys lingerie with you, or one who dreams of Dr Frankenfurter? Honesty with yourself leads to honesty with others and increased happiness all round.

So if you're currently facing a dilemma of this nature, start by ascertaining what it really is you want in your life, then go forth and be honest about it. Bring people in, don't shut them out. Allay their fears, don't create them. You might just be able to have your cake and eat it too, but you have to know what cake it is you want first.