War of the Women
69Single, married, work, work at home, how to choose?
Three women take different paths
My husband and I have been married for almost a quarter century. During this time, I have not worked outside the home. Correction: I worked until my second baby choked on eggs from a severe food allergy and nearly died.
His adult babysitter didn't know what to do, so she called my husband at work; his office was 35 minutes from our home. I was out of town on my first and last business trip and got the call at my hotel. I quit the job within the month along with Cherry Creek Chorale, and every other social outlet I had, and went full time into rotating food diets, restricted diets, whole food diets- and got him to where he could eat casein without going into respiratory distress. As time went on, I volunteered as a Bosnian Refugee Resettlement Coordinator and After Prom Chair and wrote our church newsletter- all flexible but full time jobs.
I have a very good friend who has never had children. She has had a fascinating career, spanning airline pilot; ballroom dance instructor; realtor- name it, she's done it. I love to spend time in her home, which is lavishly decorated in pastel bouquets and silver candlesticks. She meticulously shops for bargains, runs a contemplative prayer group, and bakes a mean pumpkin pie.
Another friend of mine is what I consider the quintessential mom. Her kids are raised and have favorite meals for every holiday because she bakes everything from scratch. Her flower gardens and vegetable gardens are the envy of the block and she reads every single piece of mail she receives including every magazine article and every spiritual text she can afford. Her wardrobe consists of casual grunge and she spends all of her extra money on her kids or her golden retriever who wouldn't steal a crumb from an available plate.
I love both of these women. I admire their dedication to life as they choose to create it. Politically we don't all agree, but the way they live their lives is completely consistent with their values and I respect that.
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So what's the problem?
The clash arises because it is difficult to walk in each other's shoes during those moments when we don't need judgment, we need support. Instead of offering an ear, we put in a jab or two.
For example, my husband has been digging at me for years because I don't generate an income. Sadly, we didn't discuss life with children when we were dating and were blissfully ignorant of the issue when we delivered our first child. I assumed he supported me staying home- his mother and my mother had stayed home and I wanted to raise my children myself. He assumed I would continue working.
My husband became unemployed last January and has been working hard to find a job, but has generated no income for nine months. Things are about to turn around for him and I recognized a window that might open his eyes to consider how working hard on something important doesn't necessarily generate income. As a full time mother, I took full responsibility for our three children, the house and the cooking- even providing their education when school was not doing it. This freed him to focus on work- which he actually loves- and he brought in an income that more than supported our lifestyle.
"Get a job," I told him this week. The expression on my face was serious. I really needed him to make this connection. It has been a source of deep hurt for me.
After a pause, I smiled and said, "Okay, how does that feel? You have been working like crazy since January and have not received a paycheck. This is how I felt when you told me to get a job." He looked at me with a very thoughtful expression on his face, like maybe the wheels were turning.
My
friend without the kids was horrified. "He has been doing all the
work," she told me. "It's time you did something." Guilt flooded the
pit of my stomach. I wanted to lash out at her, "You are spending
months with your aging mother, caring for her, worrying about her,
getting her to the doctor. Multiply this times three and you will have
a taste of what it means to be a mom."
The quintessential mom said, "How can he say you don't work? Your son had severe allergies that kept you up at night. Your daughter had a table fall on her when she was a preschooler and didn't read until Fourth grade- but that was thanks to all your research on her behalf. Who managed all of this? You worked!"
Underlying her praise is the knowledge that her children never had these problems because she nursed them past a year, smashed real sweet potatoes into mush so they would get all the vitamins available, and would never have turned her back on her four year old daughter to sign her other two kids out of after school care which resulted in a table falling on the little girl and knocking out her teeth (whew!) because my friend never let her kids experience day care or even babysitters until they were ten.
"Yes, your kids are incredibly successful," I have to admit. But mine have weathered storms, I think.
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Empowering women
My question is, how can we accept the choices others have made without feeling threatened ourselves? Because that is what it all boils down to, choice.
Society rewards those who work with an income and a title and the prestige of being able to stand tall and say, I have a job. I am more than just a mom or just a woman. I contribute to society.
Society doesn't value stay at home moms. If their husbands also don't value them, they have only friends or, if they are lucky, school principals. "Children whose parents volunteer are more successful in school, " our principal said once. "Your kids are amazing," she told the quintessential mother. "You can tell which kids have mothers who work. At minimum, the kids are at school when they should be home in bed."
Society also doesn't value childless married women. My friend told me that she was glad Lynette on Desperate Housewives expressed a lack of love for the two children she now carries. "It's about time that people realize some women do not want children," she said.
It all boils down to narrowly defining what it means to be a woman, which is integrally connected with our sex organs. There are skinny women and fat women, blond women and black women, rich women and poor women, religious women and Mother Nature. Why must we all fit into one definition? That isn't even interesting.
When I had a complete hysterectomy in 2001, I went through a difficult time. I felt I was no longer feminine, as I could no longer bear children physically. Of course the fact that I was way too old to bear children was insignificant. A major definition of what it meant to be a woman had been removed, leaving a gaping black hole.
It took me months to come to terms with the reality that, with or without my ovaries and uterus, my soul was constant. If I can come to terms with this for myself, it shouldn't be too much of a stretch to accept the choices others make that reflect their femininity.
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Comments
Women everywhere face these dilemmas. I don't have children, out of choice,and only my husband and I seem comfortable with our choice! I've often noticed the awkward silence when the subject comes up in a general discussion - people don't seem to know how to react. Every woman should have the choice to live her life in a way that suits her, and it's time society stopped deciding what's good for others.
"I contribute to society."
That is such a misconception IMO as many jobs in this world where failing economies threaten all of the beliefs that were jammed into us by our teachers about working hard and earning prosperity in order to be good caring citizens contributing to stable society.
Being a good caring mother even in poverty is a humble job.
Most, or so many jobs are nothing more than contributing to the demise of society.
Just an opinion...
...if I were a women I might understand your above situation better. If I were more in tune with my soul and my feminine side.... ditto.
Motherhood is very important. You can tell children at school who had a great caring mother home with them. They do a lot better in school and life.
keep on hubbing!
It is very difficult to love one's self and I think this forms the basis of judgment. If someone challenges me, well, it raises doubt as to the validity of my choices. Could I have chosen better? I have to decide whether to conform to society's expectations or to set in motion what I believe suits me. And so it is with others who are different than I.
I admit I have loved being a mom first and foremost. I will miss this role as my youngest graduates in May. I am not telling other women this is what they must choose. I am simply asking for the same respect a working mother or childless working woman earns. And making an effort to understand and honor other women's choices.
Thank you for your perspectives, Ralph, Feline Prophet, ibtrader and eovery! You expand the conversation.
To each her own - I really do wish women wouldn't judge other women by their own yardstick. I gave up a career to look after our daughter and I'm so glad I did! I have friends who haven't because they just love their careers too much. I wish there wouldn't be a universal right or wrong - just what a woman feels is right or wrong for her!
Shalini, I agree wholeheartedly! Thanks for your input.
What a great insightful hub. My granddaughters are lucky because their parents, my oldest daughter and son-in-law, decided that their children would be raised at home by Mom not a babysitter or daycare service. When I wrote a hub about stay-at-home-moms versus 'career moms' we did a survey of my daughters neighborhood which is a new upper middle income subdivision filled with all young families only...less then twenty percent were stay at home moms...that was two years ago...last week when this subject arose in one of our conversations that 19.8% has dropped to 14.6% in that same neighborhood. Today's 'brainwashed' opinion of the masses about home-moms "not contributing" is just sooooo wrong on so many levels. No choice is wrong, each Mom has to work out the right solution for herself and society has to accept whatever those choices may be.
Once again a great hub
regards Zsuzsy
Thank you, Zsuzsy. I read your hub when it came out, as I recall. I could relate. This one adds a new dimension, I hope- the married woman with no kids. All of us suffer negative comments. It would be a better world if we could let that go!
Each of us holds an important place in the world. If there were no working moms, there would be no firsts like: first female pilot; first female senator; first female corporate president. If there were no stay at home moms, working parents kids wouldn't benefit from their volunteerism or their ability to fill in, in a pinch. If there were no married women without kids, there wouldn't be a person in my life who is strictly interested in me and what I think- grown up to grown up. We all can help each other if we let go of the negativity.
Thanks for your helpful comment, zsuzsy!
storytellersrus, I appreciate reading a piece like this. It gives lots of food for thought. I have come to the same conclusions as you but it takes time and maturity. First, many of these issues are tied to opportunity and finances. Many women who work do so because their financial circumstances require it, then they resent the sahm contingent who suggest it is a matter of choice and virtue. For the stay at home moms, doing so can come with a huge price. Some mothers who stay at home slowly see their sense of personal identity slipping away. Some women, no matter where they are, feel that the grass would be greener on the other side.
On top of that, people, not just women, usually have great difficulty stepping out of the bubble of their own paradigms, so when they face struggles that others apparently don't, the other women come under fire for their supposedly easier life.
I really liked your topic and treatment of it.
Working to generate a paycheck is one of the least rewarding segments of my life. I envy my wife who has worked with special needs kids and for other great causes.
Things need to be done. The fact that some things don't generate income does not negate the fact that they need to be done, nor does it change their actual worth.
Thanks so much for this great article, Storyteller.
My daughter always said she will be a stay home mom, and will be hands on in raising her child, and not be like me, who was busy with a career. But, i was a single mom and had no choice. Now, she feels pressured to find a job to augment her husbands income, but i keep away from meddling from what i think is a couple's business. It would be nice if the choices are simple, but they never are. Making a decision and finding peace i think is key. We can seek advise from good meaning friends, but no one should judge nor pressure us.
wannabe, excellent points! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I, too, have thought these things and am glad I am not alone.
Thank you Jess, for reminding me that money must be made. And that volunteering offers intrinsic rewards.
IslandVoice, you are a wise mom to keep out of it! And you are right, sometimes early choices lead us to places that diminish what is available to us. If only we could see into a crystal ball before we select our mates or buy a house or take a job!
Storytellerrus, I enjoyed reading this hub. You gave voice to some thoughts that I have had as well. Why can't each of us just be supportive of the others' choices?
After years of thinking about this, I have a few tentative answers. It is hard for women to allow other women to make different choices from them, because when that happens, there are social effects -- and even economic ones. The fact that many more women work outside the home today has affected the average salary. You would think that with twice as many people working, there would be twice the income generated, but it doesn't seem to work that way. Instead, the average individual makes about half as much (in purchasing power) as when half of us stayed out of the marketplace-- so, same national income, but divided differently. A lot of couples have both husband and wife working, because they have to. If half as many people worked, then just one person could work outside, and the other could stay home. (It wouldn't necessarily be the man who should work outside the home -- this isn't a sexist thing.)
That's one side of it. The other side is that when we do stay home, we don't have the network of friends to support us who are going through the same thing.
Working mothers are isolated. Stay at home mothers are isolated. Single mothers by choice feel different from everyone else. Married childless women feel shunned. Why? Because there isn't a norm, anymore.
That may be a good thing, in many ways. But it's still lonely sometimes.
Why can't each of us just be supportive of the others' choices?
Good point!, Aya.
I agree, Ralph-- Aya, you are so right. We are all isolated and lonely at times. I think the economy automatically raises thoughts of the double income aspect. Women went back into the workforce during WW2 and liked it, so they stayed. I think the option to stay home should be open for either sex, too. But somehow costs have become so prohibitive that double income seems vital to lots of couples. It's one of those political/social situations that could really cause some debate in Congress, lol.
"Why can't each of us just be supportive of the others' choices?"
Funny coming from YOU...
tksensei: Are you saying I am not supportive of other's choices? I am doing the best I can, I think. Correct me if I am wrong! I have much to learn even though I am 56.
Not coming from YOU, coming from deeds.
AH... sorry to get in the middle of it, lol. Sometimes I am confused.
DO NOT apologize, tk. I didn't read it well enough. I should have referred back because I wasn't quite remembering writing those words, haha.
Like I said, I'll leave this between you and Ralph.
What a wonderful hub, Story - I enjoyed reading all the comments on it too!
Life has to be lived according to each ones own choice, dictated by her own circumstances and inclinations.
Why do I have this feeling that were you given a second chance regarding your marriage, children and career ... you might, even with hindsight, choose to live it almost exactly the way you did?!
I loved this story, even though I only had time to skim it - for now. Wonder how things worked out.
It's all a process, Les Trois Chenes! Thanks.
Jaspal, if I could choose again, I would have had more conversations with Jack about our visions. But being a mom and having three kids? Yes, definitely the best choice for me!
i loved being home with and for my kids, between them and taking care of my husband it was the hardest job that i ever did.don't forget that pro-choice is just that, your choice
Yes, loveofnight, there is the whole abortion choice thing, too. That is a controversial can of sardines, isn't it.
although i am pro-life if i popped up pregnant today and one of my relatives refused to raise the child abortion is the direction that i would take. there is so much child abuse because a lot of people don't know when to say no to child birth.that is a decision that only the woman can make about her body and (not being mean) i really don't care if there are those who object.to each his own.
It is a very very tough choice to make. I have a hard time believing ANY woman makes this choice lightly.
Prolife folk require a woman deliver the baby no matter the circumstance, while prochoice people value life but believe the mother has the right to choose whether to deliver her baby or not.
the pro-life group are not going to raise a child for you or me they just have opinions
There's one thing that I know for sure, even if the woman doesn't work, her duties at home are terrible since it is a really full time job. Plus, she has to morally support her husband and nurture the kids. This is tough for all the women... Great hub.
This was a very thought-provoking hub. The only thing I didn't see mentioned (I know this was about women) was the man who chooses not to have kids. His choice is also rejected, because women who want children can not understand, and do not want to be involved with him. He has a hard time finding a woman who does not want children. What do you think?
Well, this hub was titled Women Wars... I guess if you stretch it a bit, it fits. Do you have experience in this? Perhaps you could add your bit so we feel compassion for the poor soul and the women who love him?
Sorry, this should probably be another hub. One of my sons is 39 years old and trying to find a woman to love. It seems that every time he finds someone he really likes, she either has kids or wants to have kids. He has chosen not to have kids. Is it ok for a woman to have a career and choose not to have any kids, but not ok for a man? I guess that is my question.
this is an erudite piece for the women. i think society dictates the 'normal' when they themselves do not know the meaning.
i am glad you were able to decide what you think is best for you and for everybody. nobody has the right to belittle you because you became a SAHM. that's downright superficial when people look down at women who have no degree or are unemployed. it is not an easy job to be a mom.
judydianne, this sounds very painful, yet I think your son is wise to understand what he needs and wants. You have done a great job raising a man confident enough to say No, this isn't what I want for my life. I applaud you both, even though I understand how hard it is for you.
Of course he has the right to choose. So many of us just plunge into what we are expected to plunge into without considering the long term consequences for our lives.
Marriage with kids-- whether ours or someone elses-- is a commitment different from being single or being married without kids. Think how it would be for the children of these women, stuck with a Dad who feels locked in. Their mother would end up feeling resentful, I think. Wouldn't she? So it wouldn't end up being a long term relationship anyway.
bingskee, thanks for your comments. Being a mom is as complicated as life itself!
You are absolutely right. Thanks for your answer. I will take it to heart!
Your situation sounds pretty rough right now. I'm sorry to hear that. Your thoughts and analysis of it are really interesting and thought provoking. I think that women sometimes think heavily about things that men never consider. I very much enjoy reading your thoughts. The social pressures you guys have to put up with must be horrendous sometimes. Thanks for cluing me in to more of the female psyche :)
Thanks Benjimester. You are one sensitive guy.
That was a very truthful Hub. It will open the eyes of allot of people who never thought of looking at a situation the way you just did.
Thanks JSI. I appreciate that.
I think life comes in a series of stages. One day you can be a stay at home mom , next in the career world, unemployed or non existent. Live the best you can today according to your own rules and principles and allow others to do the same. Some roles have a way being reversed down the road and at any given time.
Wise words, Bail Up! It seems whenever I have said "I will never do that" or "I would never do that" I end up choking on the claim, so why would this be any different! Thanks for your perspective.
Ralph Deeds says:
3 months ago
storytellersus, You effectively illustrated several dilemmas faced by women and couples today. I grew up when few women worked outside the home. My mother taught school for two years, married, had four children and never worked outside the home until she died at 89. That approach worked well for her, for my father and for her children. Now that arrangement is rare, except in situations where one or the other spouse can afford to take some time off from their career to devote themselves primarily to raising the children. I think I benefited from finding my mother at home every day, ready with a snack for me, when I got home from school. I never sensed that she resented her pre-feminist role as a full time mother and housewife. Times have changed. One income doesn't seem enough for most people to make ends meet and buy the many things our society tells us we really need.