Ways to select your beer
69Beer: good for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Now it's probable that you are reading this hub in hopes that I've had some epiphany and all of you beer "haters" will somehow be brought into the light.
You are sorely mistaken.
I am merely going to direct people like you and I to find a beer that meets your character. It's not about finesse or sophistication. Beer isn't about that. If you wanted that type of thing, you'd be walking thru the imported wine section at your local liquor store. This isn't about class.
It's about character, and beer builds character.
Let's look at the possiblities first:
LIGHT BEERS: Taste like cat piss. Don't ask how I know that, but if you like the taste of cat piss, drink "lite" beers. No offense to the lities out there, but that beer is for the calorie-conscious drinkers. Of course, I've met a handful of people who really, really like lite beer. I have yet to meet a man who really, really likes lite beer. Usually it's the hardest beer to buzz off of and enjoy at the same time. The pros, however, is that it is cheap and very easy to get your hands on!
Regular Draft Beers: I call these the standard beers. Miller, Budweiser, Coors, etc.: they all have them. These are hardy beers that are not overpowering nor are they expensive. They are for the working man who doesn't want a bill that is double digits. Great for parties, this beer can be found anywhere at anytime. It's easy to get a hold of and it's got the kick you'd like to see in your beer.
LAGERS: One of my personal favourite, lagers are typically an imported item. Occasionally american companies pump out pleasers like Sam Adams' "Oktoberfest" or Yeungling's original lager (oldest brewery in america, actually!). Lagers are rich in flavour and hardy in kick. They're thick, smooth, usually accented with other flavours as well. Example, the oktoberfest blends amber coloured lager with rich toffee and butterscotch flavours, giving you the taste of autumn in a bottle!
This is the part where the author stops for a few hours, heads home and enjoys a nice lager himself, returning later for another go at his blog.
PORTERS: Well, this is indeed my very publicly known fave. Not only are porters the strongest and heartiest of beers, but they are the only type known to make a lot of hair grow on your chest. Fact: the author of this hub not only was totally hairless on his entire torso before his first Guinness, but his voice was also a tad bit higher. After Guinness, however, he now boasts a moderately hairy chest and a pretty solid baritone voice. Not bad, I say. The only warning labels on beers like Guinness reads similar:
You might pass out from sheer awesomeness of this beer.
You read it here first, all. You read it here first.
And if you do manage to pass out, of course, from a dark beer, don't say I didn't warn you. Don't worry, that side-effect is welcomed by the greatest beer drinkers in the world, a.k.a. the irish.
Now, I'm sure there are sub-genre of beers and their family members probably will raise hell because I didn't list them here. However, I will say that if I've in any way offended the beer families, they can call my lawyer, of which I will hand out his number to any lonely long-necks that beg of me to do so!
Beer, is after all, man's drink. Women, you can like your wine coolers or your savvy lil' martinis or margaritas. You can sip your Rose or tip back your shots. You can never, however, steal a man's dignity. And that dignity resides in the beer he drinks.
Now, I'm not saying women can't drink beers. In fact, it's sort of awesome when they do. The problem is the word character. Beer is notoriously rough in character, and while women can be rough, culture's bestowal upon them is the opposing force of femininity (I love that word!).
When you choose your beer, ladies, you want one that somehow grips the reigns of your wild side. I know a few women who've braved Guinness, but honestly it's unbecoming of them. After all hairy chested women are not on my list of "hotness."
There are sexy beers like Corona or Killians Red. Those beers, in the hands of women, can make a man so weak he actually wets himself. That power cannot be stolen by the hands of communist dictators, radical religio-ites, or fascist generals. No, that power is reserved...for you.
When you ponder what beer to drink, ponder this:
What beer fits my personality?
It's as easy as 1-2-5...er, three, sir.
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Comments
Awesome stuff Mike. Guinness is awesome stuff too :P Hence why I am so addicted to it! I wonder what other sicknesses we can find cured by Guinness?
Well its the green brick road to the Guinness of OZ LOL
Mike;0)
okay t, this is very sexist because I love beer and the beers I love are the Ales and the beers I especially love are the New Belgium Beers from Fort Collins, Colorado that include Fat Tire and 5280. One fourth of beer drinkers are women and breweries are now beginning to market beer to women, like Heiniken who is making Christened Charli and all the flavored beers that still taste good like Pumpkin Ale (http://beeradvocate.com/beer/style/72/?start=40) or Raspberry Ale (http://www.greatdivide.com/thebeers/wildraspberry. Okay, so I started to drink beer with my college boyfriends, and went through the pop beers. But women are influencing the market, which improves beer quality and popularity for guys, too!
Storyteller, I am very sorry for my sexist comments. I think it's great that you drink beer! Glad to see that the beer companies are marketing to women too. I figure eventually I'll decide whether beer is made for woman or for man, but obviously there's enough varieties to go around to satitate both sexes!
I was just giving you a hard time, t. I enjoyed your hub very much and looked forward to reading your response. Thumbs up!
Marketing to women is a pretty new approach and one article I read says female beer-drinkers in England may help Pubs survive... http://www.charlotteobserver.com/104/story/131130. Funny to think that the Pubs are dying out- and I don't mean funny haha. A friend of mine was just there and says lots of neighborhood pubs are closing. http://knutalbert.wordpress.com/2008/01/22/67-pubs
I love that beer provided nutrition to Belgian monks during their fasts. I started drinking more of it when I realized beer was helping me gain weight... a reason many women might not want to drink it, but one that is helpful to me, lol.
You know, I was trying my best to be funny/sarcastic and yet still promote women in beer drinking, but I think I might have failed! I will say I wrote that portion through squinting eyes and white knuckles, hoping to god no one would notice, but you beat me to it :P Glad you enjoyed it, it was a fun'n to write and hope everyone else who partakes of the sweet juice of the barley to post some here too! Shadesbreath especially, since I know he's a huge Coors drinker.
You are my man, T. Keeley! Finally someone who recognizes that light beer ain’t beer, compadre *lol*
Speaking of the Oktoberfest, have you ever been there? Let me tell you that it’s beerdrinker heaven. Not the light beers, mind you. Those German mädel only bring you one liter pints of regular, German beer, brewed according to the strict German laws with regard to beer. So it’s sort of strange to read that the Oktoberfest beer in the US is flavored with toffee and butterscotch.
You should try the Cannon from Grolsch if you ever get the chance. You’ll be hearing the sound of thunder, trust me *smile*
Ananta, thanks for your kind words :P
I've never been to Oktoberfest. but it's on my to-do bucket list. Maybe one day I'll get the opportunity to do so :)
Hey story teller:)
I have 4 itish sisters and they taught me how to drink lol...all told we owned about 5 pubs in ireland over the years and my older sisters ran them.
but your right over the years beer has been aimed at men and cocktails at women but the world now has become a very unisex place to live and I think it all started with Margret Thatcher :0) Cheers!!!
Ananta...I first started drinking grolsch in London in the 80`s...but you know I think the NW micro brews are starting to take over the beer industry with great beers...the way CA took over the wine field...must be all the good european imagrants LOL
You should, if you ever get the chance. You'll like it, without a doubt :)
Those beers can be very, very good too, Mikeq107. If you appreciate Belgian beer, you should try La Chouffe :)
t.keeley - I love my Guinness - and I swear I am NOT hairy-chested :D
I agree with Ananta - would definitely not like 'autumn in a bottle' - not when it's beer :)
The Thai beers worth a mention are Chang and Singha - adds just the right kick to a Bangkok holiday!
Whoa wait...you don't want autumn in a bottle??
See, autumn is my favourite season. In America, it means harvest, good times, cooler weather, and mould allergies. See? I love autumn. And autumnesque beer is a wonderful treat. Seriously, unless you've tried Sam Adams' Oktoberfest....it's ignorant to say what you might think of it.
Example: I served a restaurant for months and during the fall season I had hundreds of customers come in never trying the beer. I described it and, like all of the naysayers, laughed at the description. I proceeded to convince them into taste testing it. I only EVER had two people turn me down, both were women (not to be sexist, but it's an observational fact of the matter).
These were fans of ALL different types of beer. And mind you, it was something that made me hundreds of dollars in tips.
Say what you want, but I'd be willing to put it to the odds that majority of hubbers who've never tried it would certainly like it. I don't care whether you are a person who likes the descrip. I gave it, but in the end, I'd be willing to bet most people would more than just like it.
I'm totally with you, tkeeley. Autumn is my favorite season too. And porter is by far the best beer EVER. Guinness is of course the granddaddy, but there are microbreweries in America that make some delicious porters (Rubicon here in Sacrmanto comes to mind).
Must also put a plug in for cherry kriek beer (aka lambic). Belgian. YUMMY.
Slainche, laddy
MM
What on earth is a microbrewery?? Is it something scientific with littler molecular hops structures you need 100x magnification to see? O.o
Porter rocks. Guinness, of course, is hawt, but also try Yuengling's "Black and Tan." It's refreshing for an American take on the british brew. I rank it #3 on my favourite beers list :) Of course Guinness and Oktoberfest on the top of that list!
My wife's a wimp and insists she hates ALL beers. I'll find one she likes yet!
Slainte back at ya, lassie.
Love the colours of autumn in the US too t.keeley - but not in a bottle if it means rich toffee and butterscotch!!! As the French would say: Chacun a son gout - enjoy your flavours - I'll stick with strong beer LOL!
Thumbs up btw :)
I'd not say it's weak at all. It has enough of an edge to thrust it past many of the standard beers people drink: Heineken, Coors, Busch, Bud, Miller, Corona...I mean, it's not like I drink weak beers :) I am after all a huge Guinness drinker. And when I say huge, I really do mean it. So for someone like me, totally convinced anything shy of a porter is pansy-ass shite, to turn and find a lager he fell in love with, is nothing short of miraculous, you know? That was a HUGE run-on sentence, my professors would kill me if they read it.
But seriously, try it sometime. I never thought I'd like it and when I first tasted it, the dude who bet on me liking it got rich.
Ah well, what's to lose? Maybe I will the next time I'm there :)
LOL.
Rock on, another bet is already won!!!!
Yo, next time you're in the US of A, stop by SC and I'll treat you to one.
I will - and we'll bet on it - thanks for the fan mail :)
Just noticed you're in Greenville - swung by a few years ago!
I'd air mail you a bottle if I felt it'd arrive without being drunk en route...:P
I am in Gville. I dislike the city because of it's odd way of not fitting in to any label, but hey, it's my home at the moment and I don't have a whole lotta options of where else to live...at least right now I don't. Stupid dry law on sundays too...I mean, I can't even buy alcohol on sunday? Stupid laws...
Remember the Sabbath - to dry yourself out - maybe you young 'uns don't need to - I definitely do!
ROFL
I always thought that the sabbath was a day of relaxing, rejoicing, and sort of cutting loose from the daily grind...nothing does that like a cigar and a pint of stout for me :D
Your oktoberfest-beer sounds like the spcial brews we’ve got in autumn too. Only we call them Bokbier (billy goat beer). They’re dark, often caramelized and rich with flavor.
Guinness is a different drink in Ireland, mainly because it's always fresher (they get through so much of it). In the pubs, they prepare for the busy times by pouring extra pints about 3/4 full and lining them up to settle. Then when a customer needs one, they just add the top 1/4 from the pump and hand it over. It saves the long wait!
Ugh...why am I not in Ireland? I need fresh Guinness every day....sigh
Ananta, the flavour of oktoberfest is actually toffee and caramel accents. I read the label last night and realsied the info in tis hub is slightly off from the truth ;)
It still sounds like bock beer :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bock
And I'm quite curious as to what it tastes like, T. Keeley
Caramel is forgivable - toffee and butterscotch - NOT!!! :)
Sorry. My mistake.
t.keeley, you are hitting a common chord with this hub! Hats off and bottoms up they say.
I, too, am a dark beer aficionado and not afraid to say it. In fact, I don't think I've met a dark beer, ale, porter, stout, oatmeal stout, IPA, Marzen, black ale, brown ale, (purple-green ale) ;)... I haven't liked.
The true pilsners are very nice as well... heck... hand all those beers down here; except the lite beers, of course, since they take hair OFF your chest :)
BTW: Can you get Boulevard products there in SC? It's a local KC brewery with a magnificent porter...
Thumbs and pints up!
t.keeley, Ya, I'm touch offended being a beer looooover and female. We are drowning in Micros here in northern Cal. My favorites are Red Tail (drinking one as I write), Red Seal and Alley Cat Amber, but if its before 11am and your on vacation, an apricot wheat makes a nice breakfast beer. I guess I'll stop drinking beer when men stop drinking wine!
Rob : I need more money to try these thingies out. The minute I'm rolling in dough I'll be sure to expand my 'beer pallete.'
Patricia: sorry for the offense I've caused you :P I really was being sarcastic most of the way thru it, in all honesty, and I've seen many a lassie drink a pint as well as the next, and it's pretty cool. Marketing however is towards men lately, at least in the USA. That's the reason I was jokingly commenting on how fruity beers are for women. I just don't know of too many men who like fruities...
all I can say is I love beer.hehehehe...great hub!
Nice article!!! Interesting stuff. I share the passion for beer. Have a blog on it...
I'm a huge dark beer fan, (Herold Midnight Wheat, Blacksun Stout, Rauchbier,) but I'm also a huge belgian fan, too: Leffe, Delirium Tremens, Karmeliet Triple... And I'm a woman :) BTW, if you've never had a chance to check out Three Floyd's Brewery, you should see some of the stuff they make, it's incredible. Also... Rauchbier tastes like bacon. It's the perfect compliment to pizza.
I do not drink at all, so I really do not have much to say on this one. However, you seem informed on the subject and maybe you can write more hubs on it. Good SEO opportunity.
Pardon my ignorance, but... "SEO"? I'm lost :(
t.keeley: SEO: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Search_engine_optimiz
I am big guiness fan but here are my pics for favorite beers.
Sam Adam's Oktoberfest
Rogue Dead Guy Ale
Oberon by Bells Brewery
Fransiskaner
Chimay Ale
Thanks Countrywomen for the clarification.
jdh351: I'm glad oktoberfest is your top pick too! I've never tried the others...I probably should give them a shot ;)
Yeah the others are great beers that are easy to find. Fransiskaner is a German wheat beer that tastes fantastic with a slice of orange. It is one of my long time favorites.
Rogue beer is a bitter butt kicker with unique flavor.
Chimay is a Peruvian or Chilean beer that has a crisp clean taste, high alcohol content but it costs about 10 bucks for one bottle.
I stick primarily to darker porters or blends of lager/porter like a blakc and tan. I seldom venture into south american beers or wheat beers, but stuff like Heineken is tolerable if nothing else is available.
Then try the rogue, dead guy ale. www.rogue.com
mikeq107 says:
13 months ago
A Good strong iron filled stout :O) partly because when i was in my mothers womb she took guinness for morning sickness instead of her sickness pill which later was found out to cause major birth defects....so yes guiness brings Life :o)
Out here in Oregon the state is filled with great Micro brews...its my garden of Eden LOL
great hub Mike ;0)