Wedding Gift Giving Etiquette

Have you ever put wedding gifts down on the gift table only to be repulsed by someone else's wedding gift? Or have you received some useless or tasteless gifts at your own wedding?

Some people just don't seem to understand that there are unspoken wedding-gift giving rules and that the newlywed couple might not care to receive a fourth, fifth and sixth set of cutlery. The wedding gift giving etiquette is suprisingly simple, and yet, surprisingly, many people miss out on the opportunity to accurately represent their love and support for the new couple in this way.

In this article you will find:

• General Etiquette for Wedding Gifts
  
• Etiquette for gifts given to the couple from guests
  
• Etiquette for gifts given to the couple by wedding party
• Etiquette for gifts given to the couple by family members
• Gift etiquette for the engaged couple
• The etiquette of returning and exchanging gifts
• Wedding gift etiquette Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
  

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Although a gift is technically a voluntary thing, if you are given wedding invitations you are typically expected to bring a gift of some sort.

The only exceptions to this unspoken rule are if you are a casual acquaintance or business associate of the couple or you haven't seen the couple for several years.

Probably the two most important factors that will impact your wedding gift decision are your culture and your relationship to the bride and/or groom.

Since a responsible, in-depth section on culture would add too much information for this particular article, I will only caution you to be aware of particular cultural expectations your region might have. If you are interested in reading more about culture's impact on weddings, you can read this Wikipedia article on weddings.

As far as your relationship to the bride and/or groom is concerned, certainly you want to keep that in mind when choosing a wedding gift. You wouldn't give your brother a less-expensive gift then turn around and give a pricey gift to an old co-worker. Simarly, you will want to dedicate more time and energy (and often money) to a groom you are close friends with.

Just remember that there is no "required dollar amount" for wedding gifts. Sliding scales that try to guide you in deciding how much to pay for a gift based on your relationship with the couple, how many years you have known them, etc are simply false. Your gift should demonstrate your love and affection for the couple, regardless of price.

Now let's take a look at some wedding gift ideas that don't break wedding etiquette rules.

If the couple has registered for wedding gifts at a retailer (such as Target, Pottery Barn or Macy's), those would be good places to start looking for wedding gifts. Couples tend to put more practical gifts on their retail store gift registries, so a gift from their registry will probably be greatly appreciated! Just make sure you have the items removed from the registry when you purchase them. This will avoid duplicate gifts.

If you don't want to (or are unable to) purchase a gift off of the couple's registry, there are still a lot of gift options that don't break etiquette rules and that will be greatly loved by the couple. Below are some common wedding gift ideas.

Wedding Gift Ideas for couple (from guests):

• Monogrammed Gifts

Monogrammed gifts are certainly a unique way to tell the couple you love them. And these days you can pretty much monogram anything- towels, slippers, pillows, shower robes, etc. Warning- monogrammed gifts are usually not returnable so pick the monogrammed item wisely!

• Gift Cards

There's nothing wrong with buying a nice giftcard to a store that you know the couple shops at frequently. Even if they already have a wedding registry at the store, chances are they will love a gift card.

• Something completely unique

Depending on how well you know the engaged couple and their hobbies, you could step out on a limb and try to purchase something that lines up with their hobbies or personalities. Get creative! Warning- be sure to include a gift receipt just in case. These types of gifts are typically either a huge hit or big disappointment.

• Cash

If you place some cash into a nice card and write a heartfelt, congratulations note to the couple, they probably will not complain about your gift! Contrary to what some believe, giving a gift of cash at a wedding isn't breaking any wedding rules; that is, unless you simply hand them a wad of cash at the reception!

You could even give the couple their own bedsheets that prevent bed hogging!

Those in the wedding party are in a unique position to give gifts to the couple. Certainly their closeness to either the bride or groom might impact their gift choice (because they might better know the needs, wants and interests of the couple).

If you are in the wedding party and are looking for gift ideas for the couple, keep in mind that it's the thought that counts, not the price. Utilize your close relationship with the couple to bring them a gift that is uniquely yours and comes from the heart. Here are some gift ideas:

• Something personalized

Today you can personalize everything with embroidery, engraving and other methods. Your gift becomes that much more unique when you personalize it.

• Something recreational

The couple will more than likely get lots of gifts off of their registry that are useful/practical. And the practical gifts that they don't get might be purchased with remaining gift cards. Try buying them something to fulfil a hobby of theirs. Do they like camping? Buy camping gear! Sports? Get sports memorabilia. Here's where your close relationship with them will come in handy.

• Something useful and personalized

If you really want to go above and beyond, you can come up with a useful gift that can be personalized. If you are already married, then you know what things newlyweds might need that they might not know to put on their wedding registry. (A married couple bought the magic bullet for us!) And if you find an item that could be personalized that is also useful to the couple, you might have found one of the most liked wedding gifts! Engrave the couple's name on fancy silverware or get "his and hers" gifts and match the groom's gift with his name and the bride's gift with her name.

Payment for the wedding is usually counted as enough of a gift to the couple from the family, although parental gifts are still welcomed. For other family members who might not be in the wedding party, though, finding a gift for the couple could be a challenge. Grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts will all need to think of gift ideas.

Similar to the wedding party, family members should utilize their close relationship to the bride or groom to find the perfect wedding gift. You have the distinct advantage of knowing the couple better than guests, so use it!

Gift Registry Etiquette

One of the most popular things for engaged couples these days to do is to create a gift registry. The couple most frequently puts items of necessity on their gift registries, but pleasure items are also acceptable to put on the "wish list."

Here are some common wedding registry etiquette rules:

• As much as possible, try to add items that are need-based, not leisure-based

It's certainly acceptable to add pleasure items, but first be sure you have your needs covered! This is especially important for a couple that has not previously been married or living together. Think of all the household items that will be needed!

• Add items that vary in price

Not everyone will be able to afford an lavishly expensive gift from your registry. At the same time, some guests might want to really bless you and purchase an expensive item. Put things on your registry that are affordable by all.

• Try to register at national chains and reputable companies

This will make it easier for your guests to buy things off of your wedding registry and it will make it easier for you to return duplicate gifts.

• Don't register for the same item at more than one store

If you do this, you'll almost always receive duplicate gifts.

• Don't inform guests of your registries in your wedding invitations, but do inform them via word of mouth

Including a list of gift registries or hinting at registries in your wedding invitations is a huge etiquette no-no. You should wait until someone asks you before mentioning it. You can also inform close relatives so that they can help spread the word.

• Monitor your gift registry

Some might say this is not acceptable, but think about it- what happens if you run out of gifts on your registry? Remember, there are quite a few last-minute gift shoppers, so if your registry is almost depleted a couple weeks before the wedding, add more things!

One final note is needed for gift registry etiquette. Make sure you hand write a personal thank you note to everyone who buys you a gift. This is such an important thing to do, and yet it is sometimes overlooked. Thank your guests for spending time and energy to express their love for you.

Asking for Money Etiquette

First and foremost, it is never appropriate to directly ask for money in your wedding invitations, much less in person. If you want to ask for money for your wedding, it should be done via word of mouth. Hey, they say it's the best form of advertisement anyway.

To do this, you'd start by informing your close relatives of your desire to receive money for the wedding. Be sure to also give your reason for asking for monetary gifts. Guests will be more inclined to give monetary gifts if you tell them what it would go toward. Whether it's to help with a honeymoon, furniture, or a special item you have always wanted, make sure guests understand where their money will go.

You can also spread the word when you are asked by someone. Trust me, almost everyone who gets invited to a wedding understands that a gift is expected. When they don't hear word of a gift registry or the gift wishes of the couple, they will ask around. So if they ask you, be prepared to have a genuine response that humbly explains your wish to receive monetary gifts (and what that gift will help purchase) and finish by saying something like, "but i'm sure whatever you get will be just lovely!" This way they don't feel obligated to give money.

Two things to remember when asking for monetary gifts:

1. Some guests will still insist upon giving you a non-monetary gift. Accept it lovingly.
2. Be sure to write a specific thank-you note to every gift giver, whether it's money or not that they gave.

Just like with regular gifts, you should write a specific thank-you note to those who gave money. Don't simply thank them; thank them for their specific item. If they gave money, you could say, "Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Smith for your generous monetary gift. Dave and I were able to treat ourselves to a romantic dinner at Sweetwater Tavern on our honeymoon because of your kindness."

Wedding gift etiquette does allow you to return your wedding gifts, but only under certain conditions. You might not want to keep two grill kits, three full sets of pots and pans or a broken lamp that was mailed to you. There are, as always, some exceptions to the rules...

You can return a wedding gift when:

• It is a duplicate gift (but be sure to return it discreetly)
• When a mailed gift arrives broken (if it's possible to do so at a local store. If purchased online, make sure gift is insured. If it is insured, then notify the giver immediately)
• You don't like the gift and the giver is someone you rarely see.
  

You cannot return a wedding gift when:

• The gift is from your own family (unless they specifically give you permission)
• It is personalized (for obvious reasons)
• You don't like the gift and the giver is a close friend who might be hurt if he or she found out.
  

Final thoughts on the etiquette of returning gifts:

• Should you choose to return a gift, do so discreetly. It can be awkward if word gets back to the giver that you returned their gift, so keep it quiet.
• It is not proper to return a gift to the donor unless the marriage is either immediately annulled or canceled.
• When writing the thank you notes, it's a good idea to include a brief mention of the specific gift given by that person.

If I'm sending a gift, when should it be mailed?

Traditionally, mailed gifts are sent once the wedding invitation arrives, but this is not required. If possible, try to send the gifts as close to the wedding date as possible. However, there's nothing wrong with sending a gift early if you're certain you'll be invited, and there's nothing wrong with sending a gift after the wedding when you were given short notice of the event.

Where should I send the wedding gifts?

Gifts are usually addressed and mailed to the bride before the wedding, but now you can also address and send it to the groom. If you're shipping it after the wedding, you can also send it to the couple's home. When the couple is already living together, you can address the gift to both the bride and groom-to-be.

Am I expected to get a wedding gift?

If you're invited to the wedding, then yes.

When should we open our wedding gifts?

It's best to find a time when you both can open the wedding gifts, when possible. Just be sure to open them shortly after the wedding so that you can get an early start on mailing out the thank-you notes.

Do encore couples get wedding gifts?

An encore couple consists of either a bride or groom (or both) that have been previously married and wedding gifts for them are optional, especially if you attended their prior wedding(s). Try to determine (through word of mouth or by simply asking them) if the couple wants gifts or not.

My wedding was canceled, what should I do with the gifts?

Return them to the donors.