Wedding Thank You Etiquette
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After receiving a very tacky "Thank You" for a wedding gift yesterday, I felt copelled to write about the proper etiquette for a wedding "Thank You". Read on to discover what is acceptable in terms of timing and word choices for wedding "Thank You" notes.
Timing:
It can seem like an overwhelming task to tackle "Thank You" notes, but if a few are done each day they can be done in no time. While you have up to 3 months to send a socially acceptable "Thank You" note for a wedding gift, it is best to get them out within 2 weeks of returning from the honeymoon. Any gifts received before the wedding should be acknowledged promptly before the wedding. In this situation, a bride should use her maiden name on the note. Again, by doing just a few notes a day, a bride and groom should be able to make it through their list within this timeframe.
The Rules:
Now let's talk about the rules for an appropriate "Thank You". NEVER, NEVER, NEVER send a preprinted "Thank You"! Along these same lines, don't use email or a generic thank you on a wedding website. Nothing is more impersonal than this! People got dressed up, took a day out of their lives, and stuffed an envelope with cash or spent their hard earned money on a gift for you. Proper etiquette says that you send a handwritten "Thank You" note in return. When you send a preprinted note you are telling the giver that their gift didn't mean enough to receive mention in a note. When you treat it like a mass mailing it is insulting!
A personal thank you note is the ONLY appropriate way to say "Thank You". It is the only way to make sure appreciation is expressed. Handwritten notes express sincerity. There is no exception to this rule!
Even if you've thanked someone in person, it is still necessary to send them a Thank You.
If a group gives you a gift, it is appropriate to send each person an individualized note. NO NOT send a group note!
Stationary
Many times "Thank You" notes will be included in the wedding invitation package. Most likely they will have a similar pattern as the invitations and have "Thank You" or a monogram printed on the front. If no "Thank You" notes were included, I recommend going to any stationary store and picking up cards with a simple "Thank You" printed on the front.
Cards should be blank on the inside. There shouldn't be any generic wording that will dictate what is said. Again, a wedding "Thank You" needs to be handwritten and should be heartfelt.
It is OK to have your return address preprinted on the envelopes or to use simple preprinted lables, but the gift givers address should always be handwritten.
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Word Choices
It doesn't take long to express gratitude in a note and even the most simple note will go a long way in showing your thanks. Remember that wording does not need to be perfect. An imperfect note that shows heartfelt thanks will go much further than no note at all.
Be enthusiastic but don't gush!
When sending a "Thank You" note to someone you know well, it is acceptable to use their first names, otherwise you should always address the giver by Mr. and Mrs. _______.
Thank You suggestion for a monetary gift:
It is not necessary to mention the amount of the gift but you should always mention how you will spend the money.
Dear Kevin and Stacey (or Mr. and Mrs. Smith if that is how you address them),
Thank you so much for the very generous wedding gift. As you know, we have been saving for a house and will be putting your gift toward our down payment. It was so thoughtful of you and so very much appreciated. We're so glad you were able to make it to the wedding and we thank you for being there to share in our joy.
Sincerely,
Thank You suggestion for a specific gift:
Thought was given to selecting just the right gift, so you need to mention it and how you will use it in your note. If you neglect to mention the gift, the giver will never know how much it was truly enjoyed.
Never imply that the gift will be returned, whether it wasn't your taste or you received five of the same gift. Just show simple gratitude for the thought.
Dear Kevin and Stacey,
Thank you so much for the beautiful picture frame. It is going to look great on our mantle displaying our wedding photo and we will think of you every time we see it. We're so happy that you were there to share in our special day.
Thanks again for your thoughtfulness.
Love,
Thank You suggestion for someone who was unable to attend the wedding:
Always acknowledge shipped gifts promptly as the sender has no way of knowing if you received it unless you tell her.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
Thank you so much for the beautiful wine glasses. We were hoping to get them and will enjoy using them in our new home. We truly missed you on our special day and look forward to seeing you soon.
Thanks again for your kindness.
Sincerely,
If someone travelled a great distance to attend your wedding you should always mention this in the note with something like "We appreciate the fact that you travelled so far to share in our special day."
These suggestions and tips should make the task of writing your wedding "Thank You" cards very simple!
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Comments are greatly appreciated
Thanks so much for your comment (my first one!!:-)!!) I'm still trying to figure everything out, and just realized how I could comment on your comment.
I think asking pple to get there thank you's out in two weeks is a bit much. I know us for example got our cards from our photographer and we had to wait on him till we got our cards and that took a little over a month. So I think people should be a bit more understanding and know that we all have lives and that they will get there cards as soon as possible.
I can't seem to find what the etiquette is for showers when you know the female attending the shower is part of a couple. My friend purchased the gift and attended the party, but didn't sign the card. Am I to assume the gift is from both her and her husband? Other women at the shower signed their husband's names to the card.
Thank you for this advice. What is the etiquette for guests that came to the wedding, but did not give a card or gift? We have a number of people who were locals and others who travelled across the country to attend. We were excited for all of us to be together to celebrate, but are unsure about what to do with thank yous. Do we send them to everyone regardless if they gave a gift or not?
I just received a wedding gift thank you note from the "bride and groom" a YEAR after the wedding! I had spent over $100.00 on their gift and it was not even specifically mentioned (Just "Thank you for the gift"). I guess at least they finally actually sent a note...and it was handwritten but still in my mind did not speak well of this couples' breeding.
Hi,
I was wondering what is the proper way to write our return address on the thank you note envelopes if I did not take my husband's name?
Thank you
Hi there
We are receiving quite a few monetary gifts at the moment for our wedding, and while we have specific things to put some of the money towards, there is no way at this stage (2 weeks before the wedding) we can think of different things for each thank you card to specify how we intend to spend the money. Is there any acceptable alternative to saying what you are spending the money on, for a monetary gift??
Many thanks
Leslie, I would probably address the thank you to both members of the couple if they were both present. Since showers are typically a "female" event, the woman probably left the male's name off for that reason.
Bunny, You should send a card thanking them for taking time out of their busy lives to travel and take part in the special day.
Linette, You should put both names on the return adress like: Mark Smith and Linette Jones.
Pauline, You can certainly duplicate what you plan to spend the money on, since I doubt people will compare their thank you notes. Or, you can always use a generic phrase like "we will be using this money to start our lives together".
I hope that helps.
Many thanks Stacey. Do you think the following would be acceptable, or do you have any suggestions:
Dear Jim & Sarah
We are so happy to hear that you will be able to join us on our big day.
We would like to thank you for your very generous gift which we will be sure to put to good use in our married life together.
We hope you and the kids have a wonderful time on your holidays, and we are looking forward to seeing you on the 7th August.
Sincerely
Tom & Pauline
Stacey: This is for gift received before the wedding which is on 7th August
Thanks again
I think that sounds perfect!
Thanks very much Stacey - you've been a great help :-)
I was married in June (Destination wedding), took a week long honeymoon and a week after arriving home we had a wedding reception. I had an operation a week after the reception was over. I can't even imagine having the wedding thank you notes send out to 200 people within two weeks after the wedding. I understand surgery is not a common post wedding activity, but I do not plan on explaining to all of my guests why my thank you cards took 6 weeks instead of 2; I don't feel it would be appropriate matter to discuss nor do would I want to tell hundreds of people about my personal health issues. It was simply impossible for my husband and I. I am currently working on thank you notes now and came to this site while lookiing for comments about ettiquette regards wedding thank you. I appreciate your knowledge and comments but am leaving the site a little discouraged. I think two weeks is pretty unreasonable for most people.
I loved this article! I was looking for something like this for when I write out my Thank You notes.
I do NOT think two weeks is unreasonable (in most cases).
My sister got married in July and her Thank You notes were out in the mail in TWO days. She told me that it means more when they are out sooner. She didn't want to keep putting it off, and she thought that by everyone getting them so soon it showed how much they loved and appreciated everyone. (Granted they only had about 100 people at the wedding) but even still. Her and her husband stayed up all night the night after the wedding and went through them all- together.
I just recieved a thank u 5 months after the wedding. It was pre printed, and just felt like an after thought after having multiple gift registries for the different pre celebrations. Personally anything recieved later than 3 months after the wedding is really just rude
I am a newlywed and after the wedding, we moved across country. Our wedding was at the end of June and I'm still working on thank-you notes. Is it really that bad? I've been SO busy and I really AM grateful for the gifts we received. In my notes I've said how much fun its been to set up whatever their gift was in our new place in CA. Does that help???
Plus, I refuse to send a thank you note that is less than 5 lines. Its impersonal in my opinion. My friend also just got married, and her thank you notes annoy me. Ex: "Dear so-and-so. Thank you for the _______. We put it up right away. Thanks also for coming to our reception. It meant a lot! Sincerely, ....."
Oh, and mine are home-made. Any brownie points for that?
Thank you all for your comments! In response to Alison, I'm sorry that this article left you feeling discouraged, that was certainly no the intent. Obviously under your circumstances I think that people would understand it taking a little longer for you to send a thank you. No, you don't need to explain, but personally, I would put a simple apology for it taking a little longer. Most likely your family and close friends would already know what was going on and wouldn't expect any explaination. For the normal person who goes on a week long honeymoon, another week to write thank you notes is not unreasonable.
Gina, Hooray for your sister! Two days is very impressive and yes, it does mean a lot to guests when they get a thank you right away.
Diana, like Alison, obviously a move across country warrents a little extra time....but not too much! Everyone is busy and yes, setting up a new home takes a lot of time, but unpacking every single box and setting up can wait a little bit. Get your essentials unpacked then take a few minutes every day to work on your thank yous. They will be done in no time.
Given that guests have a year to give a gift. At what point do you decide that they are not sending a gift and thus thank them for traveling or simply for attending? I don't want to wait for the full year before sending them a note, and I don't want a "thanks for attending" note to seem like a guilt-trip for not giving a gift. Is it just as appropriate to not send a note at all in this instance?
Whoops, an etiquette website is not the best spot for a grammar snafu. That should have read: Given that guests have a year to give a gift, at what point do you decide that they are not sending a gift and thus thank them for traveling or simply for attending? To all of the grammar police out there, I promise that that won't happen with my thank yous.
I like some help with my thank you etiquette. I am a newlywed. I got married a week ago. Is a thank you card enough or am I suppose to add a gift to my thank you card for those that gave me a wedding gift?
Thanks for your help.
Linime
RGraf says:
13 months ago
Good advise! Some people go from one extreme to another. After our wedding a few women got extremely upset because we did not send them a thank you during the week while on our honeymoon. They called our mothers just so disappointed in us and refused to get anything after that. Made me wish they had never come. Then you have others that you never get a thank you from. I guess you can't win them all :)