Non-custodial parents can be divided into two categories - those who have harmed their child and don't deserve custody and those who are good, loving, parents who are not able to live with their child/children's other parent in the kind of harmonious relationship that makes up a healthy home environment and shows children an example of what a good relationship is supposed to be. More often than not, as far as I can see, non-custodial parents fall into the second category; and the ideas I'm offering are aimed at them. Since non-custodial parents are often fathers I will use pronouns and the word, "father"; but non-custodial mothers exist, so they, too, need to address some of the issues involved in being a non-custodial parent.

Maybe one of the most important things in being a non-custodial parent is being strong enough and having good enough coping strategies to be able to live with not being there during children's day-to-day experiences, triumphs, and turmoils. Perhaps more importantly, though, being strong enough to refuse to allow any court order to alter the very definition of "father" (or in some cases, "mother") could be even more important. I'm not suggesting "being strong enough to ignore court orders". What I'm suggesting is having the strength and the emotional energy and the resourcefulness to be able to remain the same parent a parent has always been and to be unwilling to allow the words on a court order to alter the very essence of the role one has played in his child's/children's life/lives to the point where being a non-custodial parent amounts to being a "second-class" one.

There are challenges to be overcome when a court order alters the time parents have with their children, but committing oneself to the principle of not being willing to have his role as parent defined by anyone else can provide non-custodial parents with a guide as to how they should manage being that non-custodial parent.

The quality and, more importantly, completeness of time with children can make the difference between children's feeling their father is a nice person to visit and knowing that their father is the same father he has always been. It is, of course, nice to find places to go when the children come for the weekend; but I its also important for fathers to remember that "quality time" often means "talking time" (and I don't mean "lecturing time" or "backing-up-what-Mom-said time" - I mean really sharing ideas, thoughts, values, principles and laughter with children and giving them the chance to share the same with their non-custodial parent). I'm not suggesting that a whole weekend should be spent in intense conversation, but it is important - if a father is to remain a father - that he not lose the closeness that comes from high-quality talking and laughing with children.

While going somewhere special is, of course, a nice thing for children and fathers to do, fathers, it seems to me, also need to provide their children with time with them just doing "regular" things, like grocery-shopping, sharing a tv program, or having Uncle Justin stop by for an hour or so. If children don't see their father in this "regular" setting often enough they may come to see him more like someone from the Big Brother program rather than the whole parent they knew before.

It probably goes without saying that fathers should keep their home as "home-y" and warm and kid-friendly as the child's other parent's home is. Just because Dad is living alone in his condo now it shouldn't mean he has a bachelor pad or a stark prison cell. Keeping a set of toys or games or other activities around for when the children are there and just decide they feel like doing something is a good idea. Custodial or non-custodial, every parent should have some books, building sets, stuffed animals or dolls (of course, appropriate for the child's age), balls, a changing DVD collection, and some games. Even if children have their own belongings at their other parent's house, it never hurts to keep some of the childhood basics like Monopoly, Life, Candyland, playing card, checks, chess, etc. If spending money is an issue there are often mini-versions or travel versions of games that cost as little as $2.00. One of the things that make children feel as if they're not visiting someone is their being able to just go grab the checker set or coloring books and crayons when they're looking for something to do.

A non-custodial parent may want to have a special dish or two that he cooks for the children and that only he makes in one, particular, way and that they love. Making a meal they can have on the weekend but still have leftovers allows Dad to send some back with the kids. This way they can still enjoy Dad's special dish on Monday. If a child loves something like green grapes its nice for Dad to keep them for when the child is there and to send whatever is left of them back with the child. One non-custodial parent I know would make a special pasta or casserole , a special version of egg salad or tuna salad, and buy some particularly nice bread - and then send it and any other food or snacks back with the children. They would leave their non-custodial parent's home with an armful of containers that meant for at least the first days of each week they'd have both Mom's and Dad's food. When the custodial parent works the non-custodial parent's prepared meals could make the difference between a child's having a sandwich for dinner and having more of a real meal. More importantly, the child who leaves the non-custodial parent's home with an armful of something as mundane as food or something as special as special food gets to associate his non-custodial parent with doing the mundane thing of making a meal and doing the special thing of making the child a special meal just for him.

One challenge for non-custodial fathers is remaining as big a part as possible of children's days. This can call for being a little creative and for making a little extra effort, but non-custodial fathers can do things like asking the children to call at a certain time each day. Asking older kids to call when they get home from school each day is a way to touch base - even if for just a brief call - and let them know their father remains a presence in their lives. Keeping a computer on Instant Messaging lets children "pop on" whenever they feel like it and lets Dad pop on for a quick "hi" as well. Leaving the Buddy List showing allows children and parents to see when the other comes and goes on his computer. The Buddy List shows "idle" and shows when someone returns, so even if nobody decides to pop on to talk to the the other there is something nice about seeing the flag that lets each user know the other is ok and there.

Inexpensive cell phones just for kids are available now, and non-custodial parents can take advantage of them. Giving a child a "special phone" just for Dad is a way to stay connected and a way to always "be there". This doesn't mean being on the phone with a child all day long would be the aim. It does, though, mean that a child has a way to call if he wants and has a way for Dad to call him without going through Mom's phone. When parents are still in the "awkward communications" phase a cell phone for the child can make both Dad and child feel freer to talk.

If at all possible what's best is for fathers and mothers to agree to spend some family time out with the children, so children can know that while their family is a "separated family" it is not a "broken one". This isn't always possible for parents to work out, but its something to think about.

Fathers need to be very cautious about mixing any social life they have with their children. If they're not in a serious relationship all their children need to know is that Dad has friends he has dinner with or goes to movies with sometimes. They don't need to meet this month's girlfriend. When fathers are in a serious relationship they still need to be aware that the only reason children really need to get to know a girlfriend is when their father is planning to remarry. Even then, though, fathers must keep in mind that because children's time with their Dad is so limited what they want most is time with just him. (Even children of married parents want time with just one parent alone.)

When there is more than one child fathers need to remember that each child needs time alone with his Dad. This may mean being a little creative (like letting one child be with the paternal grandmother or aunt while Dad takes the other out for lunch) or even asking for a little more time to be able to do this for each child, but all children need time alone with their mother and time alone with their father.

Fathers have to put the child's happiness before their own. If there is a Saturday when a child has the chance to go to a special event with his school fathers need to let their child know, "Although, of course, I want to see you, I'd rather you go to the school picnic and have a good time. I'll see you on another day." Being careful not to come across in a way that makes the child feel guilty for doing what all the other kids are doing isn't right, and neither is coming across like a self-sacrificing martyr.

Fathers need to find the balance between letting their children know that not living with the child/children is not how they ever wanted things to be, and letting children know that they are strong people who can deal with the difficult things in life. Being an example of a strong, capable, individual who knows how to manage difficult situations is a way to show children that their father isn't "just a nice, non-custodial, parent" but is, in fact, a parent.

While fathers may or may not have their rights limited when it comes to being able to talk with people like teachers or any doctors or counselors in their children's lives, they need to make as much effort as possible to communicate with the people in their children's lives. If these people are not permitted to talk to the non-custodial father there is nothing stopping him from communicating with them by writing to them and raising any concerns he has about what's going on in his children's lives. They may not be allowed to talk to him, but they may read his concerns and may even forward his letter about them to someone who can address those concerns. If nothing else, when children know their father continues to make the effort to communicate with people like teachers and doctors they see their father as "involved", whether or not his efforts are futile. In the case of counselors, most do want to hear from both parents.

As children grow older the time they spend with parents each day is generally less and less, so its important to recognize that limited time with children doesn't have to mean being less of a parent. Also, its important for fathers to point out to children that many kids have parents in the military or parents who travel for work for long periods of time or parents who have any other number of reasons for not being under the same roof with their children each night.

It is important for fathers to find a way to incorporate their non-custodial status into their role as fathers rather than allowing that non-custodial status to define their role as less important than it used to be. As with all parenting efforts, this can take a little extra effort, a little extra thinking, and a little extra creativity - but it can be done and done well.

To Our Love-You-Forever Child

Sometimes, no matter

Sometimes, no matter

Its hard to know just what to do

Each time we think of you

But always, the sun

Though some things must change,

And one thing is certain -

We'll love you forever,

Our Love-You-Forever Child