(Note: Before reading this you might want to read Weird Words And Phrases first.  It's not a requirement but it might make more sense that way.)

Regular readers know I have two bachelor degrees from Penn State. Since moving to California in 1989, I have also done graduate level work at the University of La Verne and the University of California Riverside. Nevertheless, I am still surprised when I come across some English oddity that just doesn't make a lot of sense. (Mind you, since moving to California I have come across a lot of people, places AND things that don't make a lot of sense. . .but, I digress. . .)

"Dare you to dream the way that I believe,
Got the skill to go commando. . ." -- Jason Mraz

"Have you ever gone 'Commando'?
Have you ever just gone wild and left your underwear at home?
There is danger in 'Commando',
For a zipper could catch on to something tender, make you bawl,
It could ruin you for months,
But, isn't freedom worth the risk of losing all?" -- Rick Cormier from "Commando" a parody of "Fernando" by Abba

Our first eccentric example is:

"Going commando": Without hitting the unabridged encyclopedic volumes of "The Oxford English Dictionary" I have no clue about this phrase. This phrase refers to the act of not wearing underwear. It is often used in place of another less odd phrase: "freeballing".

While some sources might trace this back to the Vietnam War it still seems weird to me.

The military does issue underwear and why would draftees want less protection when they might wet themselves because the enemy artillery was scaring the piss out of them? Somehow it still seems odd.

A lady friend corrected me when I used the phrase in reference to a woman in my first installment of this series. She told me that "going commando" refers exclusively to men who don't wear underwear and not women. Furthermore, she informed me that when women go "panty-free" the proper(?) term is "breathe". Men "go commando". Women "breathe".

She told me she learned the term from her younger sister who "used to 'breathe' all the time." I filed away the mental image of my lady friend and her younger sister both "breathing" for a rainy day. Then I whipped out my

notebook and took care of business. I later tried to investigate the "breathing" thing but to no avail. Perhaps the word "breathing" is used because the female genitalia sometimes resembles an open mouth? (It generally does when I am finished with it, at any rate.) That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

(Spoiler warning: The next phrase contains profanity but nothing you cannot hear on network television. )

"If it feels like shit,
Tastes like shit,
It must be shit" -- Iggy Pop

"Die sweet prince,
Meat tastes like shit,
Enough to make that jackal spit" -- Misfits

Here is one you can't talk about in church but one that nonetheless had to be included:

"tastes like shit"

Yeah, you read that right. The weird phrase this time is "tastes like shit". How does anyone know what shit tastes like anyway?

I would truly like to meet the guy who came up with this one. I'd rather not actually shake his hand and I surely don't want to get too close for fear of smelling his breathe but I AM curious!

What kind of research did this guy do anyway? Did he taste test feces? What kind of feces did he eat, anyway? What inspired him? Did he have classmates in junior high or high school who used to "encourage" him by telling him to "eat shit" all the time? Most importantly, when you truly have eaten shit, wouldn't anything else you ever eat in your life taste BETTER no matter how bad it might seem to the rest of us?

As it turns out, research shows that there are people who DO literally "eat shit" but they don't appear to look at it as a nasty, disgusting act so you can't even credit them with the origin of this phrase. The act of eating shit is called coprophagy and is generally practiced only by "people with severe developmental and psychological disorders", "very young toddlers" and people who get some sexual thrill by eating "a lover's poop".

Perhaps this phrase is best left credited to someone with imagination but a very limited vocabulary. All I can think when I hear someone use that phrase is: do you kiss your mother with that mouth? If so, I don't want to kiss your mother. I don't care how hot she might be!

Finally, here is a recipe for those of you who might wish to use the phrase "tastes like shit" in a proper, acceptable manner:

"Tastes Like Shit": The Drink recipe

Ingredients to use: 0.5 oz Apple Cider
0.5 oz Banana Liqueur
0.5 oz Drambuie
1.0 oz Limeade
2.0 oz Root Beer Schnapps

Now go grab a date and don't worry about wearing undies. You men can "go commando" and you ladies can "breathe". It'll make it easier to get to the good part of the date when y'all get home!

Don't forget to have a drink for me though, people! Just don't blame me if it "Tastes Like Shit."

(Sorry.)

My name is Phoenix and . . . that's the bottom line.