I like to think that I'm a reasonable, if not "normal" person.  I work toward maintaining a 600+ karma score, even if I can't keep that other score there. When things go wrong, as things inevitably will, I have learned to employ a number of techniques to maintain some semblance of, if not composure, at least function. Grudgingly, I would say that learning these skills, tricks, or sometimes only distractions are one of the few benefits of my age. Finding AARP mail with blank spaces large enough to recycle as TO DO lists might be another, (but only on a really good day). That said, I was so thoroughly engrossed in putting my Fonsie skills to work last week that I missed part of something that may have been really important. Either that, or I was so out of control that I imagined it. I don't know. Let me tell you what was happening.

The day before the occurrence, I came home prepared to have a relaxing evening. Play with the dog, eat dinner, check my email, maybe write a little. But, for some reason, my computer refused to power on. Nothing I attempted made a difference. Unfortunately, this was a problem that I'd previously encountered and resolved only after a warranty coverage battle. Assessing the circumstances, I anticipated an uphill climb over difficult terrain. My warranty had just expired, but the problem appeared identical and, therefore, in my opinion, deserved consideration. I knew I had to start using the cool, calm, collected, and confident step program or I was going to be in trouble. It's me and the dog, out in the desert, up a dirt trail, living by the graces of technology. No land line, no fax, just a laptop and a cellphone. "Can you hear me naa..."

Ignoring calls, even out of state and blocked numbers isn't an option. Client calls come in all forms and I can't afford to risk missing any of them. I do not have unlimited calling so I am charged for the calls I answer. So one of the things that tends to cause me to veer to the rant side of the road is being the recipient of yet another telemarketing call. One month, I audited my bill to find over 60 calls from these piranhas. I've learned that requests to be removed from call lists only consume more of the time I pay for. Worse yet, the callers have become increasingly rude. Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations, because it upsets me to have to sit on hold to be allowed to say that this is a cell phone and I've asked three times to be removed from their list and then be hung-up on.

I have been known to assert my belief that if our elected officials were more concerned for the rights of the individuals they were elected to serve than for the corporations that pad their saddles, we would have laws that enabled us easily to charge back for errors and costs inflicted upon us by these greedy vultures. Try getting $36 an error out of your bank like they do from you! It's hard to keep that karma score up there knowing that our time is worthless, our efforts are meaningless and our recourse is nonexistent. Occasionally when righteous anger overpowers the bonds of karma, I've been heard to say what we need is a Telemarket Vigilante. I entertained myself with fantasies of some kind of cyber-sleuth style Bernie Goetz who would invade telecenters and then go to sites like "You Tube", posting images of Executive Officers of those agencies as they go about their daily routines: as they sit down to dinner, a number scrolls over their faces with the message...CALL NOW... as the baby finally drifts off to sleep...CALL NOW...the possibilities are endless. Just like the calls they generate.

So, while burning off my available monthly minutes sitting on hold, listening to music that had to have been a Dollar Store find item, perhaps something labeled "Relive History! Live Recordings of Presidential Funeral Dirges", I was using one of the aforementioned "4 C" mantras to maintain sanity and watching the evening news.  Out of the corner of my ear I heard the newscaster's voice say, " ... man was charged with threatening a telemarketing operation for repeated calls ... ", was then distracted by the sound of a voice on my hold call. However, by the time I realized it was the loop recording saying, "Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold," I had missed more of the news broadcast and they were saying, "frustrations over false warnings ... expired auto warranty" ... "Sources stated that the telemarketing firm had an "F" rating, and continued making calls following requests to stop."

There it was! Someone actually did something. And, I managed to miss most of it! Who? What? Where? Are donations being accepted for his defense??? Arrrrggg! I can't believe my computer is down! But, I didn't forget. I had a personal interest. I knew those guys. Over and over again, I got their calls, "This is your final warning. The warranty on your vehicle is about to expire." At one point I stayed on the line and told them that since they refused to stop calling me, why not give me the cost for extending the warranty on my '94 Miata. When they said that was out of their coverage range, I said, "Then stop calling me!" They hung up. Less than a week later they called again. Therefore, I understood why threats were made. I recalled something the Jerky Boys did where they kept repeating, "I'm gonna' bomb your f@#%$& place!" I heard Achmed the Dead Terrorist running through my mind, "Silence! I keel jou!"

Now, again I ask. Where is the Telemarket Vigilante? Who is he? A week after first hearing of him I can't find a trace of him online. What has happened to him? The possibilities are endless. I want to know.