Phonebook Funnies
72
Did you realize that the phonebook has been around since February 21, 1878? The first phone book was just one page of 50 subscribers in New Haven, CT. The first yellow pages was published in 1886. The first British telephone directory was published in 1880.
This is just an observation, but have you ever tried to look up something in the yellow pages of the telephone book and it took you half an hour to figure out what it is under? I bet you have. Here's just a few examples of what I mean.
Doctor, Doctor!
Let's say you need to find a doctor. Seems simple enough,right? "Doctor" is easy to spell, and the "D" is the fourth letter in the alphabet. But, of course, that's not where you'll find a doctor. He's known in the yellow pages as a physician. A "P" word that probably most the people who are seeking one wouldn't feel like remembering how to spell! So, just when you feel your worst, let's give you a spelling lesson!
Forget it if you want an eye doctor! Who can remember that it's under optometrist or opthamologist and then spell it correctly? After all, you're having trouble seeing!!
I Need a Haircut
Now, your hair is all in your eyes and it's become totally unmanageable. You need a haircut. Let's find someone to cut our hair. Would we look under 'hair'? In my phonebook, I find "Hair Ornaments and Goods", "Hair Removing" and "Hair Replacement". What the heck is a 'hair ornament'? There is only one listing there. That's possibly a good thing. There is only one listing under "Hair Removing". Perhaps you see a pattern here, but there is also only one listing under "Hair Replacement". Now, funny enough there is no mention of haircuts, at all. You'd think they might put "Haircuts" and indicate where to look instead.
Any ideas where it can be found? A few of you have probably guessed it. It's in the B's for "Beauty salons". That's right, if you want your hair cut you'll need to look up a beauty salon. There are several hundred entries there. Guess they wanted to be in the "B's" instead of the "H's".
I Want to Sue Somebody!
Now you need legal advice. Where do you turn? All your friends have been telling you about their lawyer. So, you look for 'lawyer'. What? There are no lawyers in your town?! At least under "lawyers" it does redirect us to attorneys! That's right, they want to be called attorneys evidently. Perhaps so they can be in the "A's".
So You Want to Buy a New Car
Your car has had it. You're ready to trade it in for a snazzy new one. Where do you go to find a good new or used car dealer? In the "C's" under "cars"? What about "V" for "vehicle" since you may prefer a truck? Nope, they wanted to be in the "A's" for "auto".
Interesting Things I Found in My Phonebook
- I found a listing for a bar called "Pair-a-dice Bar" I love a good play on words.
- A septic tank company lists several types of things they pump such as septic tanks, grease and grit traps, car washes, etc. Then, in parenthesis, it says "we pump all compartments". Do we want to know what that means?
- A boot company's slogan is "we doctor shoes, heel them, attend their dyeing and save their soles". Clever.
- One of my local favorites is a dentist whose slogan is "we cater to cowards". He utilizes laughing gas.
- This dentist says "walk in for dental care...and walk out the same day....Finished!" *whew* I was worried there for a second. We actually get to walk out again?
- A pet grooming salon that calls themselves "The D.O.G. House" only to tell us the d-o-g stands for "depending on God". And here we thought a dog was just a dog.
- A place that sells flags whose slogan is so original. It is "A Full Service Company for Those Who Wave Flags".
- Don't you love furniture stores who offer free layaways! Get it, layaway?!
- One ad says "our reputation sets us apart". Yeah, but is that a good thing or a bad thing?
- A swimming pool company asks questions like "are thoughts of a pool swimming in your mind?" Now even my thoughts swim, huh?
- An investment broker that says "enriching people's lives, not just their finances". This way, if the investments don't pan out at least he can say he enriched your life.
- We even have "Ricky Ricardo Lawn Care & House Cleaning". I'm guessing Ricky does the lawn while Lucy does the housecleaning. Fred probably weed-eats while Ethel helps Lucy stay out of trouble.
- A paving business and their slogan is "It can't hurt to try us". You guessed, the owner's last name is Hurt.
- A pest control service that says "I can get rid of anything that bugs you". What about my spouse?
- A pet grooming company called "Happy Tails" I can hear Gene Autry singing now.
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Comments
I don't think Ricky makes it to LA. I had never heard of them here before either. But there it was in my phonebook. I was actually trying to find more examples of the words you don't find and decided to add all of the odd stuff I found. All of things above are in my actual phonebook. I didn't make any of them up.
Did you like the song? I remember it well from 1977. You weren't quite born yet, were you?
I don't know if its my connection but it wouldn't load. I was one in '77.
I got it to work from here because I played it for my daughter who thought it was weird.
okay it worked this time, and I am not familar with it. I hold the same opinion as your daughter.
LOL. It was a fun song at the time, right in the middle of all the disco hits. Hey-lolly-lolly.
I know the song and I think it's groovy. While reading through this, I thought that if I Depended on God to groom my dog, that I wouldn't be there shelling out 20 bucks!
I agree Christoph! It's another local place I hadn't heard of....I really should read my phonebook more often. LOL
phonebooks make for good booster seats.
Still having trouble seeing over the steering wheel, GT?
HA! I got my blocks to reach the pedals too. My grandma always kept her phone books for all of us cousins, when we were still trying to climb up in the world.
Is CCR going to incorporate the phonebooks into Tolden's swamp tractor adventures?
Tolden Goad may need one to make a call to someone magical at some point.
So true! And let's not forget -- how many phone books do you need? At one time there was only one. Then a whole bunch of knock-offs (all organized as ridiculously poorly) started proliferating.
With the internet phone books are pretty much obsolete, aren't they?
Even though we have the internet at work, we're not allowed to use it....LOL.....so I still use one at work. And because I use it at work I tend to still use it at home. But, you're right, MM, they are becoming obsolete. Once more and more people stop advertising in them, they'll be gone. As long as businesses are willing to put ads in them, why wouldn't they continue to crank them out?
Hey KCC! This is fun to read and OH SO TRUE! The exact same happens in the Spanish yellow pages, if you want to look anything up first you've got to figure out how to call it! Maybe that's the reason for Yellow Pages on the net having become so popular, you just search to your googled heart content :-)
LOL....Thanks Elena! Good to know it's like that everywhere!
Happens right here in India too - I'm an impatient sort and those redirects freak me out!!!
My hate are government departments. You want to check a car licence so you get cunning and look up "vehicle licencing." Nothing in yellow pages, so you go to the index and search futilely. Eventually you give up, then have a brainwave and look in the white pages.
Yep! It says: "See government departments." so you go to the front of the book looking for a section on gov. deps. Now you may get lucky if you're using a Provincial (State) directory, but if your using a local area one, nope, they're listed under "G" for government. Fine, now to find vehicle licencing. it doesn't exist. - licencing? no; car and truck? no; registration?, no; Ministry of Transport, yep that exists but it's not there.
Finally after ringing around, asking friends,consulting oracles and threatening murder you find that it's listed under Land Transport Licencing Authority. Silly you, you should have looked under "G" for Land Transport etc. in the first place. And that's an easy one. They answer the phone. With others, when you eventually get a number to ring, you get a cheery recorded voice telling you all about all the new things that they're up to and then slowly, (oh so slowly) giving you a choice of which number to push to get such and such service. the one you want is usually at least number six. So you push the number and a smart-ass recorded voice says something like "Iem sarree but arl er arperriterrs err beezee at thee meement, current weeting team iz fertyferv meeneets.Theenk yew fer weeting." Then revolting canned "music" is played in your ear, the same short selection over and over and over again, with the same horrible voice breaking in every few minutes to thank you for waiting and the current waiting time is forty-five minutes.
You eventually get a nominally actual human "Customer Service Representative" answer you, and if you're REALY lucky, they speak a form of english you understand.
They are of no help!
I hate government departments! Hate hate hate!!!
no use for the darn things other than for straightening out bills or any piece of crumpled paper - we tired of the Brittanica! I almost forgot, nice source of confettis for political rallies and such :D
Even in India? Wow, Shalini! Did you know we can call India for 3 cents a minute now? LOL Sorry, I couldn't resist. Those ads are on EVERYTHING! Just thought it tied in well with the 'phone'. Thanks for stopping by!
TOF-next time, tell us how you REALLY feel! LOL You are so right. I had that problem with the telephone company last week. It told me the wait time was estimated at 15 minutes. I finally had to hang up.
Cris-you left out origami practice paper! LOL
LOL but they won't hold up! :D
ROFLMAO at Firm. I use phonebooks to show off and rip 'em in half, grrrrr!
And no CCR isn't going to incorporate it in his book. Tolden has a Bory Ivelled peckerwood for that.
Good funny hub dear. BTW I tried to animate Tolden Goad today, was unsuccessful, will do it eventually or die trying unless Cris can beat me to it.
An archery club I was in a few years back used old telephone directories packed edge on behind the targets to stop the arrows. It made it easy to pull them back out.
(BTW, KCC, I dropped this in my disgust last night, here you go - "L".)
Cris: maybe you could create a new artform then......flimsy origami....just a thought.....you know...make 'em think the swan's head is SUPPOSED to lay limp over his back....LOL
CCR-that's a trick I wanna see you do! Rip them phonebooks, but do you do it with your bare hands or your teeth? I need to go read up on the peckerwood thing.....LOL
TOF....you did archery too? That's actually how me and my English hubby met online. He saw in my profile that I liked archery and sent me a message. We both have Hoyt compound bows, but he's actually more of a traditional archer. We haven't gone out on a shoot yet, but it's on the 'to do' list.
Great observations!
I had a journalism prof who wrote a book review on the Phone Book, just to demonstrate that one could write engagingly on anything. I remember on point he made about some people saying that the book had no plot-- but it did list several Plotzes and a Plotnick.
Interesting, Rochelle. I just looked up "Plot" in our phonebook and we have one....Plott.
I love my grammar in my previous post....."how me and my English hubby"....me? did I really say me? LOL I had toyed around with that sentence. Looks like I should have re-read it before I posted it. LOL
KCC. I did, up and down over a hunting course, shooting at targets depicting bears and pigs and rabbits and such. Three areas = kill, injure, hit. Up to three shots moving to a closer point each miss. I used a re-curve with a 70lb pull.
In desperate times, you can use phone book paper to roll "tobacco" cigarettes. Don't ask me how I know.
Oh, TOF....3d archery is my absolute favorite. One shoot I went on years ago included exotic animals. They had a T-rex and a panther they had painted pink. It was awesome. 70 lbs, impressive. My husband prefers recurves as well. I don't think he's quite at 70 lbs. A guy that used to shoot with us shot at 70 lbs, so I appreciate the poundage.
GT, why does that not surprise me coming from you?
GT, use dried dock leaves as filling. Who needs Mary Jane?
KCC, There was a one legged bloke in his early thirties who used to run the competition challenges at the time. He was only around 5ft 9in, and pulled 110lb. his arms where near the size of my thighs. He hunted wild pig and deer in the bush (forest) with his bow as a hobby.
Wow, 110 lbs! Certainly not someone you'd want to arm wrestle with either! I miss archery. We really should take it up again. I only did it for 2 years, but they were a fun-filled two years.
We have received no less than 8 telephone books in the year that we've lived in this house. They go straight to the trash as phonebooks are the most useless things printed on paper. The type is set at pt. 6 making it impossible for anyone but the very young and eagle-eyed to read. What a waste of natural resources, how many trees does it take?
I totally agree, Jerilee! Very wasteful.
We only have three varieties here. And yes, now that I've over 40, reading glasses are required.
Thanks for stopping by!
That's about as long as I was into it as well KCC. Yes, time to take it up again. (And small bore range shooting, if they'll let me.)
I used the phone book before the Internet, but now I just prefer to look up numbers on the computer.
Thanks for stopping by SweetiePie. Funny enough, I don't think I've ever looked up a phone number on the computer. I really don't call anyone though.
The only real use I have for Phone Books is flattening spiders my kitty dont like!!
They're great for pressing flowers too! LOL Thanks for stopping by Compu-smart.
LOL! What was the number for that pest control service?
Thanks for stopping by K@ri! I'll run look that up now....LOL
Thanks! I have a few things that bother me...wonder what they'll charge?
I'm sure they'll be more than reasonable!
It's been awhile since I looked at the YouTube video I have above. When I first opened this hub I really had to stare at it a minute to figure out what I was looking at. For a minute it looked like cleavage and a tube top, but yet there was too much flesh in too many directions.....LOL Look at as if it were someone's torso.....looks funny as hell.
Ha Ha, KCC! I thought the exact same thing when I scrolled down. Not until I read your caption did it dawn on me.
You're so funny!
It does look odd, doesn't it? LOL I'll never look at it the same anymore! Thanks for stopping by PM!
We MUST have the same phonebook. Everything you said is true. I was laughing out loud reading this hub. Thank you, I needed that.
LOL....glad you enjoyed it Netters! Thanks for stopping by!
I love this, KCC. George Carlin would be proud! (Hmm, maybe all of us bright HubPagers could create a sensible and sane phone book for the 21st century. What think you?)
I can't think of a better compliment than for you to say George Carlin would be proud! Many thanks! It would be fun to reinvent the phonebook! Thanks for stopping by, Minefield!
goldentoad says:
10 months ago
KCC, I don't use the phone book anymore but I do use a "blue book", its everyone in the construction business, specialty trades, and people that you don't find in the phonebook, its great. But I don't know if Ricky Ricardo mows lawns in LA, so he's probably not in my book!