I know there is a book out right now talking about how we act as women determines what men are interested in us.  I would like to turn this around; meaning, what kind of man do you ALLOW in your life.  It is not like all women are sitting around waiting for that perfect prince charming to pick us.  In reality, what time of man a woman picks says a lot about her and her background.

I am an easy case study.  Actually, so easy that I should be pegged immediately for the type of men I have allowed in my life, and the ones I have discarded and the reasons why I have discarded them.  You are probably thinking, "Heather, I don't even know you!"  I will sum it up.  Mom died when I was three, my father was an abusive alcoholic, whom I was always seeking attention from, never got that attention, was angry at the world, made all my own decisions, lived through numerous tragedies, but to the outside world I was a strong girl/woman, who had tremendous athletic ablitities, and was pretty.

Ok, guys, you take what I just told you and guess in my thirty nine years the type of men I have allowed in my life. Ok, pretend Jeopardy music is playing while you are guessing all the characteristics that went along with the men I allowed in my life, and all the ones I treated like garbage. Duh Duh dudh duddhujhhhgughhh, that is the Jeopardy music, I am musically challenged as  you can tell.

I always went for men I could control.  If they gave in to easily, I was done.  You see, I was used to trying to control my father and get his attention, and never had any success, so if I could control the man in my life and get his attention, it was no challenge and no fun. That meant, bye bye!  So sad!  I know.  Let me tell you why. My daughter's father, is the best man I have ever met in my life, but was not a challenge.  He is now one of my dearest friends, but my past and the pathetic games I couldn't kick until thirty five, just meant in my brain I scored a fifty two yard field goal at the end of the fourth to win the game. But in reality, I lost! 

My second husband drank, a lot.  I cannot say he is an alcoholic, but I was used to the very fun, buzzed man, that had everyone's attention.  Ding, yes, my dad!  We had two children, and fights that were down right brutal. Oh, yes, the fights were exactly like the ones I had with my father growing up. I duplicated that life.  Yes, in my second marriage, I had moments of being in control, those moments were what really got me in trouble.  You see, I wanted total control, and he wouldn't give me total control.  I hadn't won the game yet. I kept trying to control his drinking with fighting and venomous words, and he loved hanging that worm in front of my big bass mouth!  Every time I went after the worm, he would snag the side of my gill, then I would splash about violently, until I finally broke free, and gained control again.

One day, I finally stopped playing the game.  Many things happened to me at thirty five, and one of them was letting go of my past.  I let it all go, and completely changed myself, my outlook, and my presence in people's lives. Oh yes, I had been trying for many years to be normal, just couldn't do it.  I believe as  humans we are creatures of habit, I was used to chaos not peace. 

Ladies, what are you settling for and what are you creating in your relationships?  I will one day go into my current relationship, I think I am getting it right, but what I have realized is all the unnecessary crap we create when we doubt someone else due to our own insecurities.

Are you jealous? Are you insecure?  Do you always have to be right? Here is the big question;  Are you with someone that is abusing you or totally wrong for you, but you just don't think you are good enough for anyone else?  Are you afraid to leave a relationship because you are afraid to be alone? Final question.  Can you spend time all by yourself and relish in your tranquility?

If you are any of the above, you don't love yourself.  I would love to save someone years of my mistakes. I am here to tell you, you  have to love yourself before any relationship will work!  If you hate yourself, you will bring your  mate right down with you.  If you hate yourself you will have no problems being with an abusive man for one reason: in your mind, or deep in your subconscious, you feel you deserve the abuse. I am here to tell you, you don't!

I could write a book on this.  Maybe one day I will .  I just happened to see a girlfriend today that needs to leave a relationship and won't!  Don't let anyone choose you, you choose your mate, based on mutal love and respect.  I hated myself for years, not until I loved myself, did I feel I deserved a great life, and to be respected.

I am only blogging right now.  I cannot write all the ways to love and forgive yourself.  I can start you out by saying, you are worthy,you are great, you are a woman, you are loved by someone in this world, and  you deserve all the gifts that God has to give as much as the next person!