What Men Want and Need

More than four thousand men listed an unresponsive woman as the biggest turnoff and a cold, unin­terested woman as what irritates men most during sex. Experts have concluded that during the initial phases of foreplay, a woman responds automatically to effective stimulation. But she must learn how to move toward and actively seek orgasmic release. She cannot achieve it through passivity, regardless of how skillful her husband's techniques may be. She must surrender, not only to her own husband, but to her drive toward the release of sexual tension.

Few husbands will complain about a passionate, creative wife who responds with enthusiasm to his advances. One of the major sources of male dissatisfaction in my sex survey was a lack of aggressiveness and response from women: "I want my wife to be more aggressive and expressive... initiate sex and talk about it in terms of how to improve it. ..." "for her to be the aggressor. ..."".. , that she would do more initiating—think more about it." And this latter husband promised, "I would work less and be less concerned about work."

The only portion of the sexual experience enjoyed by a man more than ejaculation is the satisfaction he derives from an amorous wife who finds him sexually stimulating. Sometimes, however, a Christian wife does not see creativity and responsiveness as part of a religious wom­an's demeanor. These women might be surprised to learn that 65 percent of their husbands wanted more interest, response, and creativ­ity from their wives. Only 35 percent felt satisfied with the status quo.

Whereas a woman is stimulated primarily by experiencing the emotions of love, a man is stimulated to a greater degree and more quickly by sight. Men love to look at the female body, and they turn on at the glimpse of a nude or partially nude female. Yet one woman imagined her husband to be a "dirty old man" simply because he became aroused when she undressed before him at night. This frus­trated both of them until she learned that his ready attitude did not constitute depravity on his part. Instead, he reacted this way because God designed his body to do so.

Although it isn't necessary to cavort in baby-doll pajamas and high-heeled boots a-la-Total-Woman style, Marabel Morgan's point is well taken in the face of stained bathrobes, flannel pajamas, and ragbag nighties. One of the assignments I give women during the lesson on sexual fulfillment is to purchase a new wardrobe of attractive nighties in all lengths and colors. (No husband has ever complained about this expenditure!) Not long ago, after I mentioned this assignment to a gentleman, he delightedly exclaimed, "And tell them never to wear pajamas!"

Sometimes women are troubled by Matthew 5:28, which reads, "Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." This text means that looking becomes a sin only if it is translated into lust. A man's viewing of another woman's body won't tempt him to go to bed with her if everything is right at home. The first .seeds of dissatisfaction usually begin with anger, bitterness, and resentment rather than with lust.

A man may use sexual contact in a variety of ways. Many feelings may come into play for him besides love and affection. He may have experienced frustration and discouragement due to a difficult workday and seek sex as an outlet. His desire may spring from sadness and loss in another area of his life. Or it could also result from a sense of pleasure that he received by some accomplishment. Few if any of these experi­ences have any direct connection with his wife, yet he seeks a sexual experience with her due to feelings generated by another sector of his world. Sex comforts a man. He seeks sex to satisfy other emotions in addition to love.

One of the main hindrances to a woman's interest in sex is fatigue. After she has struggled through an eighteen-hour day, sex can be the last item on her mind—and whatever gets done last probably gets done poorly. A loving wife will sort out priorities so that sex doesn't languish in last place. When 9:00 PM comes around, she will fight the urge to begin one final project before bed. The wife who considers the sexual aspect of her marriage to be important will reserve time and energy for it.

Men have been asked to lead out in initiating creativity during lovemaking, but women must respond to such efforts, or they will be in vain. Women, too, can be creative. A new look in the bedroom might be appreciated—new drapes, different lighting, or a rearrangement of furniture. An intimate candlelight dinner for two or a new place and a new time for making love might be part of an occasional plan.