My mother looked nothing like the above photo. I watched this show occassionally. Even at a young age I was accutely aware of how steeped in nonsense and out of touch with real life it was. Beaver the main character in this show could do anything, and not receive a whooping. How I envied that little turd. If I spilled a glass of milk I got a beating! Spanking children was much encouraged during my childhood. People in the family would line up to whoop my tail. Now that I'm an adult I can't see where it did me any real harm. However in all fairness I don't see where they did me much good either. The show always started the same Mr. Ward Cleaver would enter from work go to the living room to smoke a pipe and read the paper. That part was close as my dad came home from work sat down and lit a Lucky Strike. Mrs. Cleaver would come out from the kitchen dressed in a party gown smiling and happy. This is where I noticed a big difference. True my mom was cooking in the kitchen sans a party dress. She wore a huge mu-mu. Plus I truly thought mom stayed in the kitchen more as a means to keep herself from whooping me to death than to actually cook. She was like a modern day ninja, she could produce an instrument of whooping from nowhere. Switches, belts, fly-swatters, spatulas mom was very creative. Plus swear to God. She had eyes in the back of her head and could hear the most muffled whisper of discontent. I learned at an early age to keep quite and read between the lines. That being said I also developed a sense of humor to amuse myself whilst I sat in the corner after my whooping. Sarcasm my greatest friend.

So when mom said" All that glitters is not gold". ( I thought yea but its still pretty)

When mom said" Get out of bed sleepy head the early bird gets the worm". ( I thought what does the early worm get?)

When mom said" A penny saved is a penny earned". ( I thought yea but with banking fees you've already lost a nickel)

When mom said"Money is the root of all evil". ( I thought yea but I'd like to get to the root of that problem)

When mom said" Don't let the door hit you where the good-lord split you". (I thought that would be a welcome change from her hitting me there)

When mom said" Keep your hands to yourself". ( I thought good advice lady)

When mom said " Look before you leap". ( I wondered what if a cars coming?)

When mom said" A stitch in time saves nine". ( I thought quit hemming my jeans so high and you could save all your stitches)

When mom said" You can't have your cake and eat it too". ( I thought then whats the point in giving me a birthday cake half-wit)

When mom said " Nobody ever got rich working for other people". ( I thought yea but people die alone pan handling downtown like your brother Tom)

When mom said " Eat your brussel sprouts starving kids in China would kill for those". ( I thought let me get my stamp collection and you can send it to them).

When mom said" A fool and his money are soon parted". ( I thought bet fools have more fun than even blondes)

When mom said " The road to hell is paved with good intentions". ( I thought so now your a bible expert Ms. knock my butt-crack the other way)

When mom said " Do you want another whooping"? ( I thought more than anything lady)

When mom said " Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"! ( I thought already got one of those silly woman)

When mom said " If your friends jumped off a bridge would you". ( I thought if it was a hot day and the water looked cool I might)

When mom said" Money doesn't grow on trees you know". ( I thought pretty sure your not going to find it in my butt you keep beating either)

When mom said " Honesty is the best policy". ( I thought not around here it just seems to lead into another whooping)

When mom said " Silence is golden". ( I thought then shut-up already)

When mom said" Six of one half a dozen of another". ( I thought where did you attend school)?

When mom said" True love is hard to find". ( I thought well if dad found true love- I want something else)

When mom said"Put that toy back you don't know where it's been". ( I thought it was just over there so I do know where it's been)

When mom said " If you can't beat 'em join 'em". ( I thought mom will never have to join anything)

But when its all said and done mom is still the greatest. But I wanted mothers everywhere to think about what kind of a little smartass they might be raising. Hope you've enjoyed these twisted ramblings and if you would like to read more visit my blog at http://www.hootnhowell.blogspot.com/