What Nature never blessed you with Jolen can
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In a world of no-body-hair-here blondes, you may be looking for a cheap way to fit in. You've tried dying your hair blonde via Loreal or Nice and Easy, only to find that it turns an odd shade of, okay, well, odd shades. Not to mention the fact that your eyebrows stand out now more than ever.
You then break down and decide to shell out the extra cash to get it done right; so you turn to the hairdresser where you are now as blond as can be, eyebrows to match.
But wait. Now you have a mustache and sideburns you never noticed before. And when you put your hand up to your face to touch the treachery that lies there beneath the fabulous blonde which cost you your next two weeks worth of groceries, you scream. Chimpanzee arm. Yours? DEAR GOD YES!
You run out of the salon and into the nearest grocer where, with the money you saved from running away without paying, you buy the largest tubs of Dove, Ben & Jerry's, Haagen-Dazs, and Eddie's... and feast on ice cream for the next two weeks, fully clothed, mirrors covered. It's a good thing you work from home, because at this point you've probably lost your job.
My advice to you? Don't stress. Take a deep breath, be thankful that it's not the middle of summer, cover the crap out of yourself, and get to your local Walgreen's, pronto. Clear them out of Jolen. Yes, Jolen. A miracle creme bleach in a small green and white, clearly labeled box, specifically designed for freaked out people like you. Clear them out!
Take a deep breath, I know what to do!
- Station yourself in the bathroom. Open a window and/or turn on the ventilation, keep the door open too.
- Open one of your boxes of Jolen. (If you really do have Chimpanzee arms, you may need more than one container; but for now, we'll assume you're exaggerating and stick with one. You can store your remaining boxes of Jolen in a cool dark place, like a bathroom cabinet or hall closet.)
- In your box you will find a plastic jar of creme bleach, a tube of accelerator powder, and an applique stick. Take them out.
- Be sure your arms are clean and dry, free of applied lotions or oils. Your face as well. And however excruciating this may be, you'll need to strip to your waist as you do not want to get any of this stuff on your clothes.
- Follow the simple instructions and you're on your way to soft, virtually invisible hairs in ten minutes.
Here are some rather helpful tips:
- Keep good ventilation. If you don't the fumes may cause a fainting spell, which would be more embarrassing than the hairs you are trying to remove.
- Using extra accelorator powder will help quicken the lightening process on thicker hairs, however, you didn't hear it from me.
- Make sure all hairs are completely and thoroughly covered with your creme application! From root to tip.
- If the fumes are too much for your eyes, goggles or cucumbers work great.
- Have a magazine on hand for your wait. One with lots of pictures and not so much reading as you will want to keep yourself occupied but may not be able to concentrate due to nervous excitement.
- Feel free to use a hairdryer! (It says not to for your own safety, but I always did and my experience was well worth the trouble and slight sting.) Use of a hairdryer on a warm setting will not only help speed up the process, it will also guarantee lighter hair. This is especially true if your hair is darker or courser than some. Just make sure your arm or face does not become hot.
- Rinse thoroughly!
- Lotion after! Especially if you notice whiteness on your skin. Lotioning gets rid of that. For your face, you will want to use a facial moisturizer.
- Store away all uneaten ice cream for another issue. This problem has been solved!
- Go out and enjoy your new look.
Sweet and Pretty as a blonde
Author's disclaimer:
Blondes do NOT have more fun. Just as much, perhaps, but not more.
If you were meant to be a brunette, chances are your skin pigmentation is in natural alignment with this and therefore you may look ridiculous in you new blonde look, even though YOU may think you look great. Unless you're Drew Barrymore.
Author's note #1: This story inspired by comments made on Arlettok.
Author's note #2: Knowledge inspired by my mother who, certain that my hairy arms would never catch me the right kind of man, insisted that I Jolened feverishly. Thanks for that boost of confidence, Mom.
Author's note #3: I am happy to say that I am Jolen free and have been for almost two decades now. And no, I was not under the influence of Jolen when I caught my man.
Author's not #4: Jolen provided my sister and I with fond memories and laughs that we share, literally, to today. (I'm serious. We talked about it on the way to Target this morning.)
Drew Barrymore stunning in black hair. Very mysterious and provocative.
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Comments
Thanks! I've been meaning to do this. Create a "new" me!
Great hub! I am so glad I don't need bleach though...isn't it bad for your skin?
@ CR- dont forget #3, you wouldnt want him to get away would you.........(just kidding)
and I concur with Tom!
Tom, you're most welcome. It's the least I could do.
Christoph, "I love you just the wa-ee you aar..."
LAmatadora, you bet you're buns, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, I always say.
Paper Moon, you're welcome as well; glad I could ablige. Please don't get any ideas, I've had a long day. ;)
Love it! Especially the 'Author Notes'!
Thans Christa. Had to throw those in there.
Frieda, those author notes are killers, I'm laughing and laughing! Geat take on the hubmob! BTW, First time ever I see Drew Barrimore as a brunette, the girl has it!
Uh yacch! Totally! And thanks, I'm glad you got a good laugh. =D
If only people will stop and start loving the skin they're in, then this might be a happier world :D
Btw, I agree with you. I think "blonde", like "New York", is just a state of mind. Thanks for the laughs, you are a blessing :D
I agree. It's so silly, isn't it. I can understand wanting to do something wild, sure why not, but... You're welcome. Glad I could be there for you =D
I think I'll keep my dark looks. Knowing me, I'll probably faint in the bathroom with the fumes from the products, to be found lying naked exposing all my hairy bits to the postman or whoever comes to the rescue LOL
This was really funny - especially your authors notes and disclaimers. I'm a natural blond and always wanted to try dark - but never got round to it - now I'm going what I thought was gray but my hairdresser says is white - which is like going back to what I was in very early childhood when I got to be the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland on the strength of my white hair rather than acting talents.
Princessa, fabulous and gorgeous idea. Why mess with a perfect thing, I always say. You crack me up! It would be rather horrifying, but pleasing to them, I'm sure lol! Lets not think about that and stay the way we are. We rock!
Iphigenia, thank you. How gorgeous, I now just the color you're speaking of. Almost impossible to reproduce! Odd how haircolor actually changes for many throughout life. I could never imagine you without the sunshine sparkle of your hair, blonde or white; Though I must say if you tried another color, you'd loo just as beautiful.
I've seen that tatoo on Drew's right side, so now I feel I'm hallucinating. Anyway, I like Drew a lot.
When I was in 6th grade, my father asked my mother if my arms should be shaved. He simply did nor know. I had scarcely a hair (blonde) on my arms. Mother said she thought not. Then she dyed my hair red (it was light brown & red anyway) and said it looked like a prostitute. That was a laugh, especially since I had the Native American cheekbones, but I wanted to be bald all over then.
This Hub was a lot of fun. :)
Hi Patty. The things we have to go through sometimes when we're young and wouldn't have a clue anyway, huh? "A prostitute", ah how many times I've heard that phrase about so many a thing as a girl. There were defintely many many many many a time I wish i were bald all over (except the top of my head, of course, and even then only because I would look like I were "on drugs" lol) SO glad you didn't shave. Imagine how you'd suffer if you had; I shudder to think.
Yes, yes, everything "prostitute" - I didn't even know what it meant.
Anyway, I like the added images. And I liked Drew very much in 5,000,000 First Dates (or whatever the real number was). That was a lot of fun!
LOL I know! I had no clue, and I certainly didn't have the veluptuous parts for it. I really loved her in that movie too. The one with Adam Sandler? How romantic was that!
Glad you like the added pictures. It's easier to know what you're getting into if you haven't heard of Jolen now that I've added the top one. By the way I'm still in awe wiith the two videos you have in your hair removal HubMob hub! I want to get certified for the last one. None near here though :(. And I almost wish I were a guy so that I could get one of those Turkish shaves! Uh, wow!
Came back just to say that's not the first time I've seen that white moustache business. It's kinda cute if a little dorky.
It is a great look. Especially before prom, lol! Not great for kissing, so you may want to suggest this look to your daughters before they head out the door for a date.
Hmmm. nice pictures and a reasonable hub. I don't like hairy nipples ither. You got hairy nipples? hehe
Thankfully no, but thanks for asking. As far as jolen goes, and I know you're not asking, but in case you ever need to know, I personally wouldn't jolen that particular area as it is much too sensitive. Glad you enjoyed the pictures. Thought they spiced things up a bit.
Not so fast, Frieda. I am a natural blonde and in my dotage have developed a blonde goatee and blonde moustache. Lighter isn't better. A moustache on a woman just isn't pretty, I don't care what color your hair grows in.
roflmao! You are quite right about that. Well, I'm betting you could play some interesting parts in town plays. Am I right? Oh that is too funny. Yes, well, nature likes to play her tricks as I've found out in my older years. They're not always welcome, but they are funny (to other people). At any rate, point taken.
I love it , it isn't wonderful to be a woman we can change our hair color over and over. I tried that blond thing in my early 20's , I looked absolutely hilarious!!! Needless to say I will just stick to being a redhead who knows maybe I will try being a brunette:D
Life would be just so much simpler if we were all hairless-- but then that woud wreck the world economy with all that is spent on removing, increasing, straightening, shaving,styling, enhancing, ................
Good to see you AEvans! My sister is doing te platinum blonde thing right now. Egads! And what she has to go through. Every three weeks to go back for lightening cause they can't do it all at once. She really does look ridiculous. But, It's just hair. And yes, we're women, so we can get away with stuff like that. Red is such a vibrant, happy, sexy, color. That's what I love about my hair in the sun. I think you'd look fantastic with darker hair, but eyebrow color always worries me. They can make or break a look. If they're dark enough, I say go for it, have a play, and use the Naturals one that washes out. That's what I use sometimes for something a tone or two different. It washes out and you never kinew you had it in in the first place. No funny root stuff. (and my hair grows fast!)
And Rochelle, I'm going to have to agree with you. Much easier! Of course then perhaps there'd be a bigger market for wigs. Then we could really go wild! A different wig for every occation. "Oh, hold on, let me change into my dinner wig!" Ah the possibilities. People will always find something to market, no worries there. lol.
Thanks for a Hub that made me laugh! Both of us are natural blondes - now high lighted with grey :(. Although it is nice being blonde, there are a few downsides - as you get older (like older than 35) your eye brows become pale and it looks as if you have no eyebrows. Also, I think that when we get behind on our sleep ration we look more washed out than naturally dark-haired friends.
When Pat was a teenager she dyed her hair dark brown - that's what you do - try to look different. She looked awful.
It fascinates me how we try to look different. We do end up looking terrible, but we can't help doing it in the first place. Glad this gave you a good laugh. It was hysterical to write and brought back so many memories. Now see, when you're hair is dark and you start greying, your hair, to me, just looks dirty. And when your eyebrows get whites, it looks like you have hairs missing for a while. I suppose you can't win for loosing. It's like being a teenager again, isn't it, at that point in life. Going through another physical change (in more ways than one unfortunately). Thanks for the share on that! Ah life. I wonder if men go through all this.
Frieda would love it if you rated this article! Good? Great? No, Phenomenal, you say? Well all right. Click here!
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Tom Rubenoff says:
7 months ago
Fascinating. Drew in an assortment of colors. Thank you, Ms. Babbley!