What No One Tells You About Kids

After an endless litany of swinging, rocking, singing, eating, drinking, diaper changing, just as you've snuck out of their room and tip-toed down the hall, it is inevitable that the moment you FILL IN BLANK (go to the bathroom, have a forkful of food almost to your mouth, have just laid your head on a pillow, have just dialed the phone, have just sat on the couch-the list is endless) they will begin to cry (or, in the case of a toddler, scream MAMA!, MAMA!,. MAAAAMMMMMMAAAAA!!!) until you return to serve them.

90% of your time with your children will be spent in frantic activity serving a variety of bizarre and sometimes disgusting needs and wants. Babies have needs and few wants. Enjoy them while you can because it's known as "The Golden Age" for a reason. Toddlers have many wants and no way to tell you about them except to say things like, "tit-shu" over and over again, louder and louder, all the while looking at you as if saying, "How stupid are you. I want a tissue." So, to shut them up you thrust a box of tissues at them and run upstairs to wipe the 5-year-old's butt (because he's screaming, "I'm DOOONNNNNNEEEEE!). Then, you sneak into the laundry room to try and get something accomplished. While you're trying to fold the load of laundry that has sat cold and crumpled on top of the dryer for three days, you realize with a sickening feeling that the younger child is too quiet. You investigate and discover she has pretended to wipe her nose and then stuffed the tissue in the toilet, all the while saying, "icky-icky". Lather, rinse, repeat and now the toilet is so stuffed with tissue that it's impossible to flush. As soon as she hears you coming she runs away saying, "Ugh-oh, Ugh-oh". You must then reach into the toilet and retrieve a huge wad of disintegrating, recently-perfectly-good tissue. We buy enormous amounts of tissue, toilet paper, regular paper and writing utensils. They are all considered very interesting items by the toddler community.

Every single parent I know has at one time operated under the delusion that their kids won't do these things because "we won't let them act that way". It is usually during the pregnancy. The hormone cocktail mixes with the excitement you feel at impending parenthood and you somehow convince yourself that those other kids are monsters. Mine won't do that. But they will. Over and over again. Until your original ideas about parenting and children are lost in the haze and overshadowed by thoughts like, "I know I saw that shoe somewhere. Oh yeah, it's FILL IN BLANK (on top of the computer, on the garage floor, in the toilet, thrown onto the stovetop WHILE IT'S ON-this list is also endless).

I am convinced that God made toddlers cute so we don't kill them. They have disproportionately large heads compared to their bodies. They have enormous eyes that take up most of the space on their faces. These humongous eyes manage to squeeze out HUGE teardrops, and they don't do this quietly. They screw up their faces and wail, each one louder and longer than the last until your anger dissipates and you feel sorry for them. Remember, that's their trick.

Preschoolers are not as cute as toddlers but at least they can communicate with you, right? Sadly, they communicate from the minute their eyes open until they drop. In addition to all the things you were doing for them as babies (butt-wiping, feeding, dressing, bathing) you now have to answer questions. Questions are fast and furious and they will suck your brain dry until you say things like, "I'm not sure. Ask your father. He'd know". Always sick ‘em on someone else if you can. And they make you play with them. And not the playing you've been doing when they were babies. No more shoving something at them and running away. No, they want to play MONOPOLY and do SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS. Anything that takes a lot of time and explanation and makes a horrific mess, they want to do.

With your first child you will cancel playdates due to a runny nose. With subsequent children you'll be lucky you notice they have a nose.

When your baby learns to walk and talk your life will get exponentially more difficult. My toddler has pushed my computer keyboard away from me six times while typing this. After I yelled at her to stop she threw herself on the floor, started to cry and proceeded to bang her head on my chair. She then stood up and starting screaming, "Poop! Poop!" while jumping up and down. All after throwing shredded cheese on the floor and squishing it while wearing two completely different shoes. (I am not making this up). This is all calculated behavior on the part of the child. They know you will eventually notice they're still there and pick them up to get them to shut up. From that vantage point they rule the world. (You would think that the, "Poop! Poop!" thing would be good, right? Well, she says that so she can sit on the toilet (again with the toilet) and pretend to wipe her yoo-hoo with big wads of toilet paper that she then throws in. Over and over. No poop. Not even a tinkle. She undresses and redresses at least ten times a day. Seriously.

I just reread this and it seems somewhat horrific. Just remember: there are times when you don't want to kill them. Even 75-80% of the time. Hang on to the 80% man, because that other 20% may make you wish you were dead.