The following is a parody and/or satire. President Obama did not actually say the words I am about to "put in his mouth". This should be obvious but with liberals you never know. They are such a sensitive bunch. If you ARE a liberal, I expect you to do one of the following with this blog: A. Ignore it. This would be the wise choice, but since wisdom and logic are so lacking in liberals, I doubt you will do this. 2. Be irritated by it. c. Be infuriated by it, or, finally, and by far the best selection: IV. print it out, put it in your pipe and smoke it. But only in an approved smoking area, and only if it doesn't hurt the environment. So, in the great tradition of Philip Roth's Our Gang (I know it's a liberal satire, but it's funny), here goes:

My fellow Ken--excuse me, Americans--you will recall that I said that if the stimulus wasn't passed unemployment would soar over eight per cent. What I neglected to tell you is that I WANTED an unemployment rate of ten percent. It is far easier to say "one of every ten Americans is out of work" than "one out of twelve and a half Americans is out of work". Twelve and a half involves fractions, and fractions are hard. Americans have a hard enough time applying for jobs at McDonald's and Wal-Mart without having to worry about fractions. Thank you and Allah--excuse me--God bless America.

Speaking--however accidentally--of Allah, if you should ever find yourself in a crowded room with a crazed Islamic gunman firing at will, please do not jump to conclusions. Please remember that, unfortunately, we still have the second amendment to deal with in this country, and that guns do sometimes go crazy. So, please, calmly approach the gunman and ask him to rationally discuss his religious views. If, after you hear him screaming "Allah akhbar" for the millionth time, you choose not to convert to Islam, just accept his generous offering of bullets into your face and realize that you have helped someone achieve his dream of seventy-TWO, not just seventy one!, virgins in Islam heaven. Thank you and All--caught myself!--God bless America.

Speaking of crazed gunmen, our military puts a lot of stress on its members what with its constant deployments hither and thither and here and there. This psychiatrist at Fort Hood who shot all those people was just reacting to all the stress of maybe, possibly being deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan someday. In fact, just THINKING ABOUT deployment is more stressful than the deployment itself. Therefore, I am appointing a commission of Islamic psychiatrists to look into this matter more deeply. Thank you, and God--that's who I worship almost as much as myself--GOD bless America.

Speaking of worship, during those twenty years when I sat in that church and I didn't hear one single word that issued from the pulpit, I really learned how to speechify. I may be a far left idealogue who makes Bill Clinton look like Newt Gingrich, but I can certainly deliver a speech full of specious speculation presented as absolute fact far better than you. Providing, of course, that my teleprompter is working. Thank you and Vishnu--have to give equal time and be politically correct at all times, you know--bless America.

Speaking of working, which I have never done an honest day's worth of in my life unless you count the dubious activity of "community organizing" as work, I am still working to make my wife Michelle proud of me. Why, it wasn't until I was nominated as a candidate for President that she was even proud of her COUNTRY. The moon landings, the civil rights laws, OJ Simpson rushing for 2000 yards...NONE of it made her proud of her country. So you can see she's a hard lady to squeeze some pride out of, but I'm giving it my best shot. Thank you and Karl Mar--excuse me--God bless America.

Speaking of pride, I would be very proud if my healthcare legislation gets passed. One aspect of this bill that few to no people know of is the After Term Abortion clause. As you know, I support any woman's absolute and inviolable right to kill her baby up to and including the moment of birth. What you may not know is that I also support her total right to kill the baby at any point up to and including fifteen years after birth, but if, and ONLY if, the mother is suffering from post partum depression. And it will take a lot of doing to PROVE that you are suffering from this condition. In order to prove that you are, in fact, a victim--and let's face it, making victims is what the Democratic party is all about--you have to state EMPHATICALLY that you are, indeed, suffering from post partum depression. If you find yourself unable to make this statement, any relative, friend, acquaintance or liberal member of Congress may make it for you. So it will not be easy, but I find this necessary to alleviate the trauma of post partum depression. Have I said post partum enough already? Thank you and God--you heard me--bless America.

In closing, I would just like to remind you that if you disagree with me on any issue for any reason, it is not because reasonable people can disagree; it is because you are racist, even, maybe even especially, if you are black. Thank you, good night, and just remember that you can hate the game but don't hate the playah! And, oh yeah, God bless America.