When is this going to end? When did this even begin?

How can I conclude if I haven't even began? I haven't even started and I'm wanting this to be over, ignored or discarded. Anything would be better, how about a do over. Disregard my half ass attempts to detox, get clean, relapse and be honest.

It's not in me. You know, the honesty. No not yet. But don't fret, because it's bound to surface eventually and most certainly unwillingly. It will be strongly encouraged and forced upon me. Everyone knows what's best for me, except for me of course. I let my mind rest as I get grilled with a disturbing test.

How come you show no remorse? What makes you want to use?Do you want a devorce? Do you think I deserve the abuse? How come you're not answering me? Don't you see what I see?

Those are some hard questions when your mind, body, and soul are held captive to a chemical that must, and I do mean must run it's course. I'll do my best to give you some answers just to get some of this hidden anger released. Here goes nothing.

Why don't you take me to the damn NA meeting so I can take some more 12 steps. Meet me in the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the right with. I'm trying to tell the truth but doing so hurts more than a bad tooth. I use because I refuse to feel the pain thats coming. Don't laugh at me because I know it's real. I'm in a fragile state of mind, whether I'm high or not could you try to be more kind.

No I don't want a devorce. You'd say anything to ruin my high of course. Neither one of us deserve this abuse. My minds yelling no while my body won't let me not go. It's forcing me to forget the past and convincing me the feeling will last and last and last.

I'm sorry I'm having trouble speaking a single thought. I'm just hella high and Knew that I'd get caught. There's no way in hell I could see what you see. I'm stuck in a moment of complete and total ecstacy.