This is a continuation to the essay blog "A KNIGHT WITHOUT ARMOR IN A SAVAGE LAND".  Away we go...

The doctor prescribed me "hamburgers and milkshakes". In addition, he pushed the nutritional supplement Boost to help me gain weight. That was my worst fear! I would not drink the Boost because I told my parents it tasted like nasty chalk but in reality it had over 200 calories and that was something terrible in my mind. I stopped eating my one Klondike a day after three days. I thought it was disgusting and I was disgusting. I was 109 pounds and dropping. I had no want to be healthier in my 5'7'' frame.  My starvation turned to binging. I would eat anything I could get my hands on, whether that be chocolate, cookies, or candy. I would eat nearly the whole jar of peanut butter, twenty minitaure Reeses cups, and three bowls of ice cream at night when no one was up. Eating was so shameful yet my body craved everything I had not allowed it in the year beforehand. My body had come to plateau at ten pounds abovemy normal weight. Because I had gained an immense amt. of weight in such a short amount of time, I was forced new medication that assisted in weight loss. Ironic, isn't it? The medicine helped so much that now I am visibly underweight. Despite this, I have kept my weight stable, and my period came back after seven months (anorexics lose their menstrual cycle meaning that they are so unhealthy that they don't have the nutrients to sustain a baby). I still hate what I look like, think I'm huge, and have trouble portioning how much is too much when it comes to meals. I have no hunger reflex anymore. Just be grateful you can eat and think nothing of it. My hour and a half long bike rides are long gone. I joined a Curves gym and go only 3 days a week for a vigorous work out. I was not allowed to go away to school as planned because of my problems. I enjoy a part-time schedule at Stockton. Medicine is fortunately helping but every day is its own hell. I am disappearing in the constant parade of checking fat in every mirror I can get a hold of (Half of anorexia is the mind games. An anorexic's view of him or herself in the mirror is distorted rendering them obese in their own eyes. This is called body dysmorphia). I feel on edge, as if at any moment, some bad happening could send me back to the darker days of anorexia. I fear the relapse more than I fear food anymore.

Now my family, my new psychiatrist, my therapist, and I are dealing w/ the biggest blow yet. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar I. Bipolar I means I am manic-depressive. I go through mood swings, high and low. Bipolar does not mean I have multiple personalities. That's a common misconception. Depression lasts a lot longer than mania in my case. I do not want to get out of bed, cry for what seems like forever mainly because I hate everything about everything, do not want to talk to friends, etc. Some people with depression come to the point of contemplating or attempting suicide. On the other side of the spectrum, mania, which may only last a few weeks for me, is a time when I am on top of the world, in euphoria, capable of anything. Anything at all. Manics have a decreased need for sleep and may be irritable with people around them. They can be dangerous, reckless in their elation. Gladly, I have not come that far up the ladder. Presently, I am manic and we are attempting to control it.

There is more to this essay, a conclusion of course, but I want this to be more of an informative blog. I have one little song excerpt that touches my heart completely because I'm anticipating the day when I can ride the storm out. The singer is one of which I am unsure, but let me commend this song writer by saying thank you, you give me strength with your following words: 

I fought with the devil.

Got down on his level,

Never gave in so he gave up on me.

That's how the Man designed me:

To ride the wind and dance the hurricane 

** This essay was written years ago and many things have happened before, during, and after its time period up until this present moment. I have a lot more to share so get ready!**