Now at 24, looking back at how I lived made life make me feel things I never knew I would feel. I've gone from being the girl-next-door to the mean-bad-girl to the misunderstood-disturbed-teen to the woman I am now, a wife and a mother. My parents broke up when I was about 5 years old and even before that I knew their marriage was in trouble, I've witnessed them hurting each other with words and sometimes they would both resort to physical violence. I guess that's why I felt like I didn't have a childhood, I had to "grow up" to take care of my sister and not let her feel what my parents made me feel every time they fought in front of me, unwanted. My mom let me feel that I was a mistake, that if she wasn't pregnant with me she never would've married my dad. She didn't need to say it to my face, I knew that's how she felt. I guess that doesn't make me a love child, since she claims she never loved my dad, she liked him, but it never got to the point where she actually loved him, so she says.

After my parents' break-up, they both were practically invisible. My mom's mom, my grandmother, took full responsibility of raising my sister and I. Although my grandmother devoted her life to us, I still longed for my mom and dad to get back together, every kid want their parents to stay together, and I was most definitely one of them. Somehow I hoped they'd put their differences aside and work things out, if not for their sakes, at least for me and my sister's. I realized a reconciliation was impossible when my mom got pregnant with her lover. Yes, while my mom and dad were having troubles, she sought comfort somewhere else. I don't blame my dad for leaving, I would've left too. I have two half siblings, a brother and a sister with my mom's second husband, they aren't married, they just live together and have kids. My dad on the other hand never had a serious enough relationship after my mom.

My parents moved on with their lives and yet somehow it wasn't that easy for me. I was mad at both of them for so long. I was mad at my mom more because she gave up on my dad and their marriage easily. I remember when my sister and I would be taken back and forth, from my dad's place back to my grandma's place. Later on, we stopped going to our dad's place altogether, they just decided that it wasn't healthy for us. I remember this one year when my parents split my sister and I, I stayed with my dad and my sister, since she was barely 3 years old, stayed with my grandma in behalf of my mom. My grandma later on convinced my mom and dad that keeping me and my sister apart wasn't such a good idea and they both agreed that we both would stay with my grandma and my dad has unlimited visitation rights, my dad thought that it would be the best for us, so he agreed. Sad to say that my dad wasn't really able to visit us as much as he wanted to because of the distance, we lived in different cities, 8 hours away. Even though my dad barely visited us, I knew he loved us, he showed it everytime he was able to. My mom on the otherhand, despite the fact that we live with her mother, was practically invisible. I was so mad at my mom for giving up on their marriage and for moving on so fast. I never liked his live-in partner, and until now, I still don't like him, but I've learned to forgive my mom, needless to say, my mom wasn't really a mom to me, but she is my friend now, and it's too late for her to be a mom to me, seeing as I am one too and that I only have one mother and that is my grandmother(my sister and I call her "mama"), she wasn't the one who gave birth to me, but she is a hundred times more a mom to me than my mom will ever be. As for my dad, he visits us more now, and he has a great relationship with my kids and my husband.

My parents' failed marriage made me feel the weight of things, that marriage should not be a solution to a problem. Marriage should be about two people who love each other and who are willing to stay together despite all odds, like what the marriage vows say. It's sad to say that sometimes, these marriage vows are just fillers in a wedding ceremony, and sometimes, the people who say them don't mean it when they recite it. I promised myself that I wouldn't be like my mother. I promised myself that when I do get married, it would be for love and the desire to build a family.

Now that I am married, I promise myself that no matter how hard things will be for us, I won't give up, because I believe in the sanctity of marriage and I believe that what God put together, no man should separate. It's true that love isn't all you need for a marriage to work, but it is a good foundation for any kind of relationship. I will stay true to my marriage vows, even if it kills me, after all, isn't that what "till death do us part" mean?

When I was in high school, I have experienced dramatic transformations, from being the good-girl-next-door type, I became the misunderstood-mean-disturbed-teen. I blame it on peer pressure. I wanted so badly to fit in that it made me hurt people. The sad part was that I wasn't aware of my transformation until it was too late.

Before high school, I was on the honor roll, I had good grades and I was proud of it. I had good friends and everything we do for fun was clean wholesome fun. I was the kid every parent bragged about. I was content being the nice kid. Until I transfered to another school after grade school. I became the new kid, I didn't have friends and I was unpopular. Because of that, I was socially challenged. I tried so hard to stand out, and that was exactly the reason why I started hanging out with the wrong people. I became a bully without realizing it. I became mean and said things to people without thinking that I've hurt their feelings. I was finally popular and I put my conscience aside. I made school a nightmare for any kid who was smaller than me or who wouldn't fight back, without any thought that I was once in their place. I disobeyed my teachers and mocked them when their backs were turned. I was proud whenever I cracked a sarcastic remark. My grades suffered and I didn't care. I skipped school whenever I was up all night the night before, partying with my friends. I started drinking and smoking. I disobeyed and disrespected my grandmother and I acted like such an ungrateful child. I was hated by the very people who welcomed me to school when no one would talk to me because I was the new kid. Well, you get the picture.

It wasn't until my so-called friends turned against me and embarrassed me that I realized I was acting like such a complete jack-ass, hanging out with people who put all the blame on me for something I was merely a part of, what was I thinking, needless to say, it snapped me back to reality. I didn't change back into being a nice kid over night. It was so much easier to be mean than to be nice. I had to make amends for all my wrong doings, and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. The first thing I did was tell the truth. Yes, I tattle-taled on those meanies. They were reprimanded, not just by the school, but by their parents as well. I was punished too ofcourse, in a way that made me realize all my wrong doings. I cried a lot my whole senior year, I knew I was going to have a hard time making amends with people, but I didn't realize it would be a hundred times harder. Barely anybody spoke to me that year. Not even my relatives wanted to talk to me. I don't blame them of course. I made it through in the end, with the help of my real friends. It was a very humbling experience.

Going through all these made me appreciate the people who love me for who I am, even when I was at my worst.

I learned that being cool is not all that matters and that there is nothing cool about putting people down. I learned that you shouldn't judge somebody because of the people they hang out with or by the clothes they wear. I learned that appearances can be deceiving, sometimes the people with the tamest of facest are the most evil. I mean that literally. I figured out that mean people are only mean to disguise their own flaws. And I learned that it is easier to be bad and give in to peer pressure rather than to be nice and say no. And last but not the least, I learned that prayers and faith in God can indeed cause miracles to happen.