I strive to catch my mistakes and ensure I don’t repeat them; some are more difficult to see than others and I stumbled upon one today that was as malignant as any cancer of the body. It was so profound to me that I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t tell you this because I want sympathy, I tell you this because it was a happy cry, a purging cry. I don’t think I’ve felt so joyous about anything in my life.

I realized I looked at love as a game where you had to keep score, a disgusting test of wills (I know the source of this poisonous thinking, but that doesn’t matter so much as knowing what’s broken and fixing it with a little will power). When I quit I was always the winner and yet I didn’t feel like I’d won anything other than an empty bed. The thing is that I never turned around and went back…what was the point? I’d won, right? But what would happen if I DID go back? THAT was what I started thinking about…

What if I not only went back but I asked for forgiveness? Forgiveness for demanding something in return for what I freely had to give, forgiveness for punishing someone because they didn’t feel the same way and didn’t say the things I thought they should say. It was unthinkable until I listened to the words of Don Henley’s song, “Heart of the Matter” and then I thought about how Jesus loved and forgave despite his fate and how I ask for forgiveness from him every day. Why can’t I ask forgiveness of any other creature?

It suddenly occurred to me that love doesn’t mean winning. It doesn’t mean having the most points and it doesn’t mean requiring something in return. It is okay to care about someone no matter if they care or not (so long as you’re not a psycho stalker), it’s alright to love them even if you are afraid and don’t know what will happen. There’s nothing wrong with opening your heart, it’s hiding your heart that is the source of so many problems. Most importantly, however, is that it is alright to love someone in spite of heartache, to have someone you love walk away and it is alright to have a broken heart afterwards.

I asked myself forgiveness for being ashamed to love someone, ashamed about letting it hurt and for letting that hurt turn into a tit-for-tat game. I want to ask you to forgive me for my demands, my unrealistic expectations and the stupid game that I played with your heart. I have a heart, it is mine to give and as long as I offer it I run the risk of having it broken. That’s just what love is about…