What is a real apology? Their are three parts. Miss one and your not apologizing.

1. Saying/verbalizing/writing I'm sorry: The basic apology.

2. Admitting your mistake, taking responsibility for your part in the problem.

3. Asking "How can we make this right".

A Strong Piece of advice: Don't apologize if you don't intend to follow through with all three of these rules/parts. It's not only dangerous to your credibility as they always figure it out, you slip, or do it again etc.. But it can destroy trust. No apology is better than a fake one.

With that said Let's break down each of these pertinent rules:

When you say your sorry alot of things are being perceived that give validity to your intentions or that invalidate your intentions.

• Body Language
• Verbal Language, Including tone, volume, infliction, pauses and where they appear and so on
• The connection of the two are like a mental checksum to the person your talking to

When we are sorry and when we aren't we come at it differently. Many people try to fake a sorry and often this is subconsciously if nothing else "perceived" by the other party.

Some people actually feel sorry but for the wrong reasons. A famous saying in movies is "You're not sorry, you're sorry you got caught". This means if you could have done what you did and no one would have known you did it, you wouldn't be here apologizing to them.

People don't realize it but genuine apologies look and feel different from those that we say as a "courtesy". People who are expert liars and manipulators are aware of the entire scope of an apology, much like an actor can play a part and convince you their that person their playing only because they can duplicate the exact body language and feeling of the part. Often while playing the part they "get into character" or in some ways really at the moment of impact become that character.

Liars are just good at getting into character, however we always know instinctively if someone is lying or not, it's usually when we are willing to settle for a fake apology rather than nothing that we just accept it.

When you take responsibility for your actions you show it in many ways

• Body Language
• Verbal Language, Including tone, volume, infliction, pauses and where they appear and so on
• The connection of the two are like a mental checksum to the person your talking to

The difference here however is the interpretation of these same pieces of evidence your broadcasting. Primarily the words you use. Making excuses for your "bad" choice of actions that hurt them, is a huge no-no.

It doesn't matter what your intentions were, it matters what they perceived at the time and the only way they will be able to forgive you for your actions perceived by them is for you to first take responsibility.

When you do this you give them your humility, and they let down their shields. This opens the doors for communication and often if you do this they will see in your body language that you didn't mean to do it the way they saw it. (if that's the case).

Realize also when in pain all we want to do is cast the pain away from ourselves. We want to blame someone to get closure and to feel at least someone else is suffering with us. When you apologize and show compassion completely selflessly you give them that venting (the yelling that will inevitably follow your taking responsibility is a gift you give them when you just listen and don't react to it) as a gift.

When they completely get it out there then realize they are not alone, and you are accepting responsibility its like you took the bullet for them. An amazing thing happens next, they feel compassion for you (unless you react then they feel distain!) because they now see the pain they just unloaded on your shoulders.. a certain distillation process happens that defuses this bomb and now communication can pick it apart and heal it

...Affected them.

So long as they hold this pain alone and it infects their emotions, rational mind, and livelihood they are damaged goods to themselves and anyone else. Apology is a way to release this pent up anger and pain.

It's not always what you did to them that you're apologizing for, it's sometimes just to take the burden of them blaming themselves or to give them closure for their pain that your apologizing for. If you had any part in their pain directly, indirectly, consciously or unconsciously.. Your apology serves to help them.

One example of indirectly doing something to apologize for is a rumor.

A rumor that you didn't spread consciously for example is an indirect attack you may have started without realizing you were arming unscrupulous types with bullets to use against them..

You didn't mean to give them these bullets your intentions were to compliment the other person but your error in judgment of these bad guys so to speak caused your friend pain so it's not the act your apologizing for its compassion for your friends pain you want to heal. Apologizing is the first step (using the three parts) to helping them. You apologize to help them heal not to justify yourself.

Apology is offering mental Neosporin and is completely about them not you. A true apology doesn't need reciprocation from them. If you told them you were sorry and meant it and they said F***k you its all your fault, for example this shouldn't change your stance on compassion and wishing them healing.

If your apology is selfish which 98% of people who apologize are, then you will get defensive and angry at them. True apology is showing compassion and healing, if it's about them how can you not understand they only yelled at you because you were their perceived source of the pain their experiencing?

How then can you get mad at them for feeling this? you need to comfort them and ignore their outbursts, expect them even but don't take them personal, again this is about their healing not your justification.

Maintaining humility at that point you say something like this (of course formatted and tailored for your own situation):

"Yea your right, I didn't mean to do that, But I can totally see where you saw that, if it were the other way around I can't say I'd of seen anything different. I didn't mean to hurt you, that was never my intension, but I did and I want you to know I'm sorry and I feel bad about what happened"

Notice that in this apology your still not blaming anyone, not even yourself really, your just stating the pure facts that matter.. You humiliated them, hurt them, whatever it did, your putting the cards on the table and realizing regardless of your intensions you were a key player in their pain.

Once you take responsibility this invokes the law of reciprocation, and they feel and understand their part in it:

"wow, I didn't realize you felt that way, and in some ways that's true, but I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did and I appreciate you taking responsibility for that part. I like that we can communicate without blaming each other. I want you to know that maybe I should have been more attentive to what was really happening and maybe I wouldn't have gotten so hurt and reacted the way that I did, so I'm sorry too."

When you take responsibility you remove the defensiveness of the situation. The cold hard fact is that if you need to apologize it means you in some way stimulated that persons pain, humiliation etc.. and before you can even dive into the true intensions of that you have to pull the wick out of the candle before all the wax burns away and the relationship fizzles, or in another way you need to deal with the perceived reality of the other person, remove the pain, then you can get to the facts.

The last part and often ignored is what makes the mental Neosporin work. This step is crucial to salvaging the relationship and creating an actual mend of the situation, not leaving a scar built in distrust or animosity.

When you're dealing with this part you're getting into what's called the emotional bank account. When you hurt someone you are making a huge withdraw from their emotional trust of you. You have to pay that back usually with interest to show that you're good for it.

If you apologize then take responsibility but make no efforts proactively to prove you feel remorse, the wound will heal but the scar will always remind that person of your causing them pain. You must find a way that to them, not just you, is like not only taking it away but drastic enough to show you've suffered for your part and really mean you're sorry. This has to be something you do; you should ask them what you can do then over deliver on it. If they say no its ok, don't worry about it, you should still try to do something to show your sorry, even if its just being a good friend to them and making sacrifices for them that they know are important to you.

Forgiveness is about you. To forgive is to release yourself from the anger, resentment and pain their memories their involvement in your life are causing you. When you truly forgive your not liberating the other person you're liberating yourself from their control over you, even if only in spirit or experience. You're saying you can no longer hurt me. You don't need their permission, or for them to even know you forgave them for it to be effective.

A lot of people attribute this to apologizing. Apologizing is not about you at all. You're not apologizing so you get closure, so you feel less guilty for what you did, or anything of the sort. Apologizing is opposite of forgiveness but often breeds their forgiveness. A real apology is about remorse, and wanting them to heal. It's about realizing you hurt someone regardless of if you did it on purpose or not. I never believed in parents forcing kids to apologize to other kids they hurt in a forced manner.

I believe to teach the kid why he should feel bad then giving him the choice to apologize (or you keep working on teaching him how bad it was till he does make the choice to apologize) so when he does its felt by the other party not something they know you were forced to say (which does not a dam bit of good).

It's pretty ironic that people completely swap the polarities of forgiveness and apology.. And when you do that they mean nothing, and no healing happens on either side!

Linkin Park is my favorite band for many reasons but primarily their ability to take complex psychological concepts and convert it into powerful uplifting musical tracks.

The following are some songs I think apply to both forgiving and apologizing.

(and they just sound pretty great too!)