What Not to Say to a Screaming Toddler's Mother
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Have you ever been in the store, only to have your toddler break down into a sobbing, inconsolable bloody-murder-screeching temper tantrum? I have, repeatedly. And what have I learned from the experience? I ain't no Mary Poppins.
I have a confession to make. I used to think that temper tantrums only happened to other people's kids, and apparently, so do many of the people I see at the grocery store.
My daughter is a pretty even-tempered kid. When she was a toddler, I could take her to the store in small doses. I brought snacks, a toy, a drink, and I changed her diaper before we left. People would complement me on how well-behaved she was, and tell me what a beautiful girl I had. And I would smugly smile, so proud of my clear-cut and excellent parenting skills.
My next kid is another story. Let's call him Chucky, to protect his identity. He hates shopping, period. And he doesn't like being in the car, either. Nevertheless, my family still needs to stock up on toilet paper, laundry detergent, and the basic food groups from time to time. Predictably, once we make it into the grocery store, he begins unbuckling his seat straps (he's just gifted that way, I guess), tries to stand up in the grocery cart, and starts wailing like an ambulance siren. If that doesn't bring on the consolation he's looking for, great big tears well up in his big brown eyes, and stream down his face to a pathetically maudlin effect.
I've been a parent for 10 years now, and during the early years, I spent my free time boning up on self-help books. These books usually suggest that you take a screaming child out of the store, leaving all of your groceries in the cart. Take the child to the car and hold them firmly until they stop crying. Time out, that's what they call it. But I don't do that. Because I live in a rural area, leaving the store just means marching right back in again to finish the job.
I do my best to prevent these tantrums. I stock lots of toys, snacks, drinks, and 3 or 4 diapers for these trips. I try not to torment my son with needless extra stops or browsing. The goal is to get in and get out, guerrilla style.
The screeching, whining and fussing (him, not me) often begins immediately after we place him in the shopping cart. I am beginning to build a small arsenal of "helpful comments" I've heard during these times. Here is my rant. My own tantrum if you will:
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Strangers' Comments Couldn't Be Stranger
The little guy looks like he needs a nap.
But it's only eight o'clock in the morning!
I'll pray for him!
Recently, as I was leaving the store pretty thoroughly embarrassed, my usual state these days, a woman turned to me and said, "I'll be praying for him. I always pray for the little ones that cry." I wondered as I took my exit why she wasn't praying for ME. I was the one dealing with the little terror.
And on a related note...
Sure makes you believe in original sin...
I kid you not. Someone really said this to me. Actually I don't believe in that but let's not go into that here.
Tell your mama to hurry up and finish shopping!
Today when a "nice lady" directed this comment to my 21 month old son, I turned to her and said, "ma'am, I'm almost seven months pregnant and moving as fast as I can." If you must direct a snide comment at a kid's parent, through the child, don't expect him to pass it on.
What did you do to him?
I have heard this question so often now that I have a standard response. "I've been beating him with a wet noodle." Once someone didn't hear the wet noodle part and responded, "Oh, well I wouldn't do that if I were you."
What's wrong with him?
Do you mean besides the demon child inside of him that's making his head rotate 360 degrees on its axis? I have never actually said this to anyone, but the temptation grows stronger each time the question is posed to me.
Staring and head shaking
This one falls more into the category of non-verbal communication. I don't have a comeback for this one, but it isn't helpful. Save your disdain for the trip back home in the car.
And you're having another one?
Sheesh. Gimme a break, will ya? Don't kick a pregnant woman while she's down.
MY grandbaby loves to go to the grocery store!
"...His mother has really trained him well to sit quietly in the cart." Obviously, people who say such things are just looking to affirm their own positively perfect parenting skills. But every once in a while, just for a moment, I think, "Oh yeah? Wanna trade?"
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Mary Poppins I am Not
There's one thing for certain, I am a much humbled mama. But frankly, I refuse to believe that my son's behavior is somehow caused solely by me.
This new belief forces me to let go of any delusions I may have about being able to manipulate every little situation that arises. I still believe in doing my part as a parent, teaching and setting boundaries and limits, and minimizing the conditions that make tantrums more likely to happen. As his mother, it is my job to keep him safe, comfortable, and happy. But I have had to let go of the notion that I'm some sort of Mary Poppins.
My son is normally a delight. And I would never trade him, so let's be perfectly clear on that fact. But as soon as we enter the grocery store, a dark side emerges. During those times when my son's dark side wins, I sometimes wish for the good ol' Mary Poppins days of parenting, when I was positively perfect in every way. And a few dancing penguins might not hurt, either.
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Comments
I've been here. There. Everywhere. I've gone to the grocery store (on a regular basis -- like several times a week) with up to 8 kids in tow. Did I say 8? Yup. And little ones, too.
What worked for me? It started with my oldest (he's 24 now...life was a little simpler back in the 'old days') when I taught him to fear The Look. The Look...when offered in public...promised the withholding of something dear once we got home. No tv. Ninja Turtles put in a box on the shelf. Something. He dreaded The Look....and it carried. It passed down through all the rest of the children...even the daycare kids. Eventually they didn't know what The Look threatened...but it struck fear into the heart of every one of them. It was enough to stop a tantrum in mid-tant.
Funny thing is...it still works. I don't do daycare any more. My youngest is eleven...but The Look still works.
Thanks for your comment. I'm working on training my son to mind, just find him much more willful than my other kid. My daughter was born to fear "The Look," while my son sees it as an invitation to test the waters. At what age did you find your kids started responding to "The Look"?
Great hub!!! My children are now 38 and 36, respectively. This brought to mind my experiences, and one in particular.
Off I went to the supermarket, kids in tow. They, at that time, were beyond sitting in the carriage, although I did try to coax my daughter in one, but she wasn't having it. So I dispensed the standard rule, both of you stay with me right by this carriage. Of course, it fell on deaf ears. The moment I reached for something on the shelf, off they would run. So, one day, as I was filling my cart, I hear this huge crash. Because my kids had run off, I quickly ran down the aisle around the corner, and there, to my chagrin, was a whole display of tuna fish cans spread all over the aisle. I stood there, frozen. A woman was approaching my cart, and said, did you see those brats? their mother should have better control over them. I was so embarrassed, but had the presence of mind, or inspiration? to reply, yes, isn't that awful? the mom should be shot, and I kept walking, pretending they weren't mine. Needless to say, they were reprimanded.
LOL elisabeth, 'the look'. Apparently that's something I never mastered. I've seen it work with other moms, but sadly, not me.
Wannabwestern, thanks for a great hub!
Patty
Thanks Patty. I loved your story. Lately I've been using my hubs for a bit of cheap therapy. :). I had a lot of comments on this other one too:
http://hubpages.com/_o3w9wmuys93/hub/What-NOT-to-s
My eldest has always hated shopping, and has now got to the stage where if he is in the trolley with his brother he'll annoy him until Jack cries. If he is out and walking (always on reigns) then he'll pull on them until it almost breaks my husbands back. But that is where I am lucky. I have my husband to come and shop with me (we live in the country too and I don't drive). So they go off on their little missions getting things for me and it will keep him occupied - for a while. The worst bit is getting to the checkout; the belt is prodded, he'll get in the way, he tries to run away and the worst time he headbutted the trolley and split his lip. I normally get the sighs and rolled eyes. Just wait until someone says something though, cos I bite back! Still, he also gets upset that no-one takes any notice of him anymore, all the old dears want to speak to his brother Jack (who is 10 months and who screams at them!). Glad to see you kept your cool though, it is very difficult when you're a slave to your hormones.
I can relate. My first child was a little angel, but suddenly when the second one came along it was a whole new ball game. Even the older one doesn't want to behave now. I also do the guerrilla style shopping as well and when that doesn't work I have to admit that I resort to bribery in the form of bakery cookies. Something I told myself I would never do when I became a parent, then real life happened.
My oldest son gets dragged everywhere because he never wants to go anywhere unless it is Chuck E Cheese or the movies or he things I will buy him something. He never made much of a tantrum but still always reminds me that he doesn't want to be there. My next son is always more than happy to go. I wish I had "the look" that Elisabeth mentions. that would really come in handy.
My only son adores shopping. But I don't fool myself it's anything I've done, he just likes it!
I just joined hub pages and your hub is the first one I've read. I have to say that I have a 3 1/2 yr. old and I can totally relate. Good hub!
Wow, I am so honored that you read this one first! Good luck and have fun hubbing!
Thanks!!
Every time I hear a child screaming in a store (like Wal-Mart, Target, Safeway, etc.) I feel sympathy for both the child AND the parent! I'm an adult and I don't really like shopping either! Kids express what adults have trained themselves to suppress.
Regarding all of the comments people have made at you: HOW RUDE! All they have to do is walk away. You're the one who has to deal with the tantrum.
Thanks for being a fan, btw.
So funny. Toddlers, especially the ones that can't speak yet learn to communicate by screaming. That shows their confidence in themselves. Opinions are like... every ones got one. Try doing a 4 things at a time with kids and a million thoughts about what you have to do in your non stop action packed mom, wife,maid, chef role. Give me an opinion when i start yelling and screaming in the store that will be interesting to hear if you dare.
That is an insightful comment, and I appreciate it. We are still in the toddler stage, and shrieking and screaming seem to be common among my younger kids. I think we lavished attention on my oldest and that helped her not to be a screamer. But there is only so much individual attention we can give to our children, and the grocery store offers that to a child.
Loved your article, it made me chuckle! I believe that every child is different and some just prefer to not go shopping! That doesn't mean the parent is a bad parent! I have been lucky so far that both of mine are okay with shopping. Glad you have learned to deal with this situation with laughter.
OTmommy
I agree with you. My middle child is sensitive to noises and crowds and shopping makes him very uncomfortable. My oldest child, 12, doesn't like to shop either! My youngest (now 15 months old) LOVES it. When I wrote this hub the drive to the store was about 45 minutes each way. He especially hated that drive! Thanks for your comment. Fortunately I have "evolved" since then. :)
"Do you have a child that hates shopping? How do you deal with the situation? If you have more than one kid, do you think his or her personality plays a part in this?"
I don't think kids hate shopping. I think they hate not getting what they want! What I used to do was give them the first thing they *grabbed* once in the door, they had it and were quite happy and by the time we were ready to leave; they didn't want it anymore.
Done.
(Still works with the grandchildren too. :}
But still - as some of you have mentioned, shopping IS stressful and not knowing what exactly bothers a child can be a real problem.
Privateye2500 I agree with you to a point. We've moved to the city so our shopping trips aren't as long as they used to be. I've discovered over the past 15 months or so since I wrote this article that my son is hypersensitive to noise. He is easily startled by loud noises and especially dislikes crowds. I needed to write this article to blow off steam and agree that is very frustrating when you don't know what is bothering your children. Now that I know this about my child, I have to shake my head at writing so vehemently, but humor is always a good way to handle life's challenges.
wannabwestern you really a diamond, my dear. You sound like a wonderful mother to me.
I haven't forgotten the huge difference between my son who'd behave like an angel and my daughter who seemed to be occassionaly 'possesed'.Glad you have such a great sense of humour. . x
Thanks for your comment Dim. I especially needed to hear that just now. You are too kind. I'm cooking up another child humor hub, but it may be a few weeks before it's done.
i love this article! it's funny. i love children as well, but they are quite a handful when they cry
I agree dfantasy: children are wonderful but when they are crying and you just can't seem to figure out what it is they need, that is just about the worst feeling! Thanks for the complement.
i will never say those things for sure.
wannabwestern says:
2 years ago
Do you have a child that hates shopping? How do you deal with the situation? If you have more than one kid, do you think his or her personality plays a part in this?