I have a keen interest in UFOs and belief in extraterestrial civilisations, as many of you know, but I also can see the funny side of things and have a routine I do in my live performance that uses a spacecraft toy.

I have a plastic flying saucer with a microphone and sound FX ranging from vibrato to distortion and feedback and it also has a red flashing light in the centre of the craft. Its side knobs were broken many years ago but this doesn't matter. I bring it on stage wrapped up in a carrier bag and I ask the audience if they can guess what I have in it.

Then I say, "You have all heard of the crashed saucer from Roswell, well I bet you didn't know we have a similar craft here?"

I tell them it is in my bag and bring it out. I explain that the alien beings that piloted it had a miscalculation with their sizing of objects in this galaxy and they are actually very small here. Not only that but their ship crashed and damaged some of its main control switches. Fortunately a primitive Earth screwdriver is able to accomplish miracles and get it all working again.

I insert a tiny screwdriver into the controls section and the spacecraft comes on and the light starts flashing whilst feedback sounds are emitted. I say "For many years people have wondered where the aliens and the UFOs actually come from. Some say in this solar system and others from much further away."

I lift the toy craft up and say: "You have all no doubt heard that the truth is out there, well no, the truth is here not out there. And I am going to reveal where the alien beings come from."

Then looking underneath the spaceship I say: "They come from the Planet Taiwan because it says so here - MADE IN TAIWAN."

Then I announce that the aliens chose me to be their ambassador and say that they would like to sing a song with us to make friends with the people of Earth and chose the tune of What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor?

It is possible to sing through the craft using the microphone and pointing the bowel part of the ship that has a loud speaker in it at the audience.

I change the lyrics to:

What shall we do with a flying saucer,what shall we do with a flying saucer, what shall we do with a flying saucer early in the morning?

It was only a weather balloon, it was only a weather balloon, it was only a weather balloon early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises early in the morning.

What shall we do with a flying saucer,what shall we do with a flying saucer, what shall we do with a flying saucer early in the morning?

It was only the Planet Venus, it was only the Planet Venus, it was only the Planet Venus early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises early in the morning.

What shall we do with a flying saucer,what shall we do with a flying saucer, what shall we do with a flying saucer early in the morning?

The news said it was a flock of geese, the news said it was a flock of geese, the news said it was a flock of geese early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises early in the morning.

What shall we do with a flying saucer,what shall we do with a flying saucer, what shall we do with a flying saucer early in the morning?

It was just the lights of an aircraft, it was just the lights of an aircraft, it was just the lights of an aircraft early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises early in the morning.

Back in South Wales where this crashed saucer routine was a regular part of my act the craft got known as "The Mothership." Sometimes I get messages from people asking me if I still have it.