Secrets Every New Parent Should Know

I am a proud parent of two children. When we had our first, I knew nothing. Nothing at all. In fact, the first baby I ever held was my beautiful daughter. Now that I am an eleven year veteran with a son to boot, I thought I would write a list of things I wished people had told me about parenthood. I invite others to add to the list as well.

1). Babies come with hats. That’s right folks, no need to go out and buy one, they just come with one. They don't have a dollar to their name, don't speak the language but everything is ok because they have a hat. By the way, they look way cool in the hat.

2). At some point, you will be digging a hole in your backyard for some small rodent like thing that died. Sad reality but true.

3). Kids fit in dishwashers, even when they are full.

4). Kids fit in every cabinet in the house, and will.

5). When a baby's bottom lip slowly begins to quiver, you have exactly 15 seconds to fix whatever problems exists or you will hear a cry that can shatter windows.

6). It is perfectly normal to talk to a two month old in a restaurant for a half hour straight, despite what the lady at the next table thinks.

7). Reading Understanding Torts to a one year old really puts them to sleep fast.

8). No matter what, they will get up again. You have to experience at least one hour of silence before you can truly believe they are actually asleep. And the moment you relax, they will get up again.

9). You get fifteen minutes more sleep once they can pour their own cereal.

10). No matter what room you are in, they will want to be there too. (Which is kind of cool)

11). Shoes Disappear. No matter what, when a child takes off their shoes, one will disappear. Then, five minutes later, you have to search the whole house to find the one missing shoe. I need to hook those buggers up to a GPS.

12). No matter how funny and cool you are, there will come at time when your daughter will roll her eyes everytime you speak in front of her friends.

13). It will be quiet and your child will be silently playing in the corner and the phone rings. You get on the phone and all of a sudden the child needs food, is hurt or some other emergency happens. You will have to talk on the phone after they go to sleep. Oh, wait, see number 8.

14). That after having children you will realize that your own parents were not always crazy or wrong, and yes mom, Robitussin really does cure everything. But like my daughter said, "it tastes like poop."

15.) Your child will eat almost anything if you allow them to dip it in Ketchup.

16.) When you six year helps you with the lawn, it is really cute but also makes more work for you.

17). At some point, your eleven year old daughter will show you how to fix your own computer.