What to Do When You Disagree, A New Earth Discussion Part 21

This is a difficult lesson for me. I try and blame it on my astrological sign – the sensitive cancer. But, what do I get for that blame? Nothing but despair of thinking I’m a cancer and therefore destined for great emotional hurt. That’s not the self-fulfilling prophecy I want to embody.

Just recently an issue came up that brought my personality and my ego to the surface. My emotional reaction was way out of proportion to what actually happened. So I looked further. I’m sharing my story in hopes that it will seem familiar to you, and you can extrapolate my experience to yours. And, you might just realize that there is hope.

I do have a few personality traits that cause me grief. One is I want to please people, and I will agree to things without thinking. Another is that I take things personally.

It’s hard NOT to take other’s words personally.

It’s hard not to label and not want make the other person wrong. It’s hard not to declare myself a victim. I grew up in a family that had a victim mentality and victim hood was for many years my default program. It still creeps in sometimes.

It’s synchronistic that I am re-reading this part of A New Earth yesterday and today. I wanted so much to make someone else wrong so I could be right. It was important for me to be right, but I didn’t want to make the other party wrong.

As I continued to re-read A New Earth starting on page 61, Complaining and Resentment. I made a decision to practice the following Tolle’s guidelines.

1. I’m not going to take their comments personally.
2. I’m not going to complain and make them wrong.
3. I’m not going to label them (even though I very much want to).

I’m going to accept that I told someone that I would do something because of physical deterioration and that this deterioration was negatively impacting their business. After taking a look at the situation, I did not agree that there was substantial deterioration. On the issue of business impact, they believe the issue is negatively impacting their business. To them it is. This is their opinion and I cannot change it. I choose to accept it.

This one is harder for me to move towards. From my perspective, the project is not economically feasible. But here is the real issue, I’m mad at myself for wanting to please, for saying yes in the moment, for not taking time to think the situation through. I say that my word is important to me, yet I gave my word based on subjective facts and my compulsiveness to please.

Enthusiasm is moving forward towards a goal that brings you joy. I’m setting a goal that in my business, that I will not make any rash decisions without thinking about it. My new line is going to be ‘I’ll take that under advisement and get back to you.’ I am too vulnerable to my “wanting to please” personality characteristic. This is a practical step I can take to protect my self in the future.

Does it bring me joy – well thinking of avoiding another internal struggle is relieving. I’m not exactly sure that it is joy, but there is joy in my taking care of myself. So, yes there is joy here.

Tolle says ‘nonreaction is not weakness but strength.’ He goes on to say ‘Another word for nonreaction is forgiveness. To forgive is to overlook, or rather look through.’

Substep – Forgiveness

The first person I have to forgive in myself for not taking the time to think, for wanting to please without considering the big picture and the consequences.

Substep – Looking through

I want to have something to forgive in the other person because then I could blame them. All they did was ask. I was the one who didn’t take the time to think.

I want them to see my position, see that ‘doing the right thing’ is all a matter of perspective. This is where I have to take the initiative to not complain, keep forgiving myself, realize that the collective human ego is very much at work in this situation and that their words were not a personal assault and insult to me.

I will try and stay in the observer mode (my aware self) rather than in the reaction mode (my ego). Now, this does not mean I like the situation. I do not. Yet, I accept what I said, what they believe and will move forward having learned an emotionally and financially expensive lesson.

Each person has their own perspective and can make the most convincing arguement for their cause. When you find yourself on the other end of a perspective, try and get out of your vision-restrictive ego and see the bigger picture.

Here’s a way to think about restricted vision versus seeing big picture. When you are in your limited ego-perspective, you are in a single room and you can only see the contents of that room and its interior walls. Your vision stops at the walls. But, if you look through the walls to the bigger picture, you see the entire building, the entire block, the entire neighborhood, etc.

Try looking through on issues that do not matter. Practice and then when an issue comes up that does matter, it’ll be easier to see the big picture.

I’ve practiced this technique for years. Sometimes it’s easy, others times, like this one it is much harder. Awareness is key.

I’ll let you know my progress in Part 22.