I am a guy and, I don’t know about women, but at some point in every male’s life, we have imagined being a superhero.  Well, I guess there are some men who have dreamed about being a super villain as well, but I think they are in the minority.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to be Superman, Batman, Wolverine or whoever?  You have to admit…it would be awesome.

Here is the thing though…who is in charge of dressing these superheroes?  In all my days of dreaming of being a superhero, not once did I ever imagine a costume.  I had never thought of what I might wear as I battled crime and saved the earth from demise…it just didn’t really occur to me.

Today I was reading an article on a copyright lawsuit as it concerns the Superman series and the future of there ever being any more movies when I found myself staring at Superman’s costume.  It is pretty damn cheesy.  Why on Earth…or I guess Krypton, would anyone decide to wear blue spandex and a red cape?  Is it that necessary to have a costume or uniform anyway?  Is it that important to dress a particular way in order to fight crime better?  Would Superman be less of a badass if he wore jeans and a T-shirt?  I think not.

Here is an example of what I am talking about.  If I were hanging out in a bar or club and some douche bag started some shit with me; would I be less willing to partake in smashing his face if he broke out with a spandex outfit and cape?  Uh, no…that would just increase my incentive to hurt the man and add a bit of humiliation to the poor sap.   If I were about to throw down with someone and they suddenly ripped open their shirt to reveal a logo over some sort of tight ass, brightly colored material…I would first laugh…then…give the tool a beating of a lifetime.  That’s just me though.

Why do a lot of superheroes wear capes anyway?  What the fuck does a cape do?  I think there has to be something going on between superheroes, vampires and Snow White, but those are the only people who wear capes.  Why is it that in the comic books or in the movies in which these superheroes play the leading role does no one ever ask why they wear a cape?  I would.  I would be like…”Hey Batman, thank you so much for saving my life but…what’s the deal with that cape dude?” 

Now, I know that people will say the reason for the costume and mask etc is because they are hiding their true identity in order to protect their loved ones etc, but…come on.  Even if someone like Bruce Wayne (Batman) has some loved ones…kids, parents, wife etc; does that make him have to dress like a fruit in order to be a proper superhero?  Wouldn’t Mrs. Batman be like…”so…I saw you on the news the other day and…uh…maybe we should revisit the whole…costume / uniform idea.”

Then there are guys like…well, Batman’s partner; Robin.  Red & Yellow with a cape huh?  Robin…that’s just not good enough, it’s actually downright ridiculous.  Actually, Robin as a person is pretty ridiculous to begin with so…I guess there is no point in heading down that road is there?  Even in X-Men, there is Wolverine.  Now, most of the time Wolverine is a pretty basic guy with jeans and wife-beater tank on fighting crime, kicking ass and taking names.  There are other times however, when he dresses in an obnoxious yellow and black outfit with big pointy wing-type things protruding out his mask....for what?  He fights crime in regular close, so what is the need to get all “superheroed up?” 

The Green Arrow is dressed like fucking Peter Pan with a bow and arrow.  Flash has a tight ass, nut hugging red spandex get-up that is only one piece; meaning he us uber-gay.  Don’t get me started on Captain America…his name is also horribly lame.  Daredevil is blind, so he doesn’t know how idiotic he looks and actually gets a pass from me.  Wonder Woman also gets a pass because she liked to show off her tits and was into bondage (the lasso).

Then you have Aquaman.  Actually, why is there even an Aquaman?  What is the point of having this dude around and can we even really consider him a superhero?  He dresses like one with the sharp looking green tights and orange tight shirt, but was there ever anyone who liked Aquaman?  I remember if I were in grade school and I was talking to some friends about superheroes and someone said they liked Aquaman the best…well, he would be beaten and ridiculed. 

Lastly, I can’t forget about Spiderman.  Ok, so this guy Peter, gets bitten by a radioactive spider and get’s special powers similar to a spider.  I get it.  This guy decides to make a costume to replicate somewhat…of a…fucking spider.  Where in the world does Peter Parker get off thinking a red and Blue spandex / latex outfit anywhere resembles a spider?   I haven’t seen too many red and blue spiders Pete.

I guess I will never truly understand the psyche of these superheroes which would be another reason why I can’t be one.  What if there were actual superheroes reading this thinking I am the idiot?  That would be funny.

I found it refreshing when Hancock came out and Will Smith played a superhero that was just a drunk dude that fought crime because he was bored and had nothing else to do.  That’s the type of superhero I would be.  I would get drunk, be famous and take some women back to my lair to have my way with them.  I would say…”wanna see my super cock?”  The only spandex or latex would be dangling from my weenie.  Yeah…that would be cool.  I think I would be in the superhero business for all the wrong reasons now that I think about it.