I'm driving down the road. Favorite song blaring on the radio. There's always the possibility that I'm accompanying it, not very well, at the top of my lungs. Then it hits me...sometimes during my favorite song, sometimes during the next. The overpowering urge...to bawl my eyes out. It comes with a gripping feeling in my chest. I feel like if I don't scream, if I don't release every emotion in my body, I might actually die.

Rationally I know I''m not going to die. Rationally I know I'm panicking and it will go away eventually. But my rational brain isn't present. My psyche has taken over and it's freaking out. There's no rhyme or reason. I'm not writing this as a paper on psychology. This is my brain, and my brain is different from everyone else's.

I sleep, I wake up, I feed the dogs, take my medicine, think about food, go back to sleep because it stops the crying, wake up, let the dogs out, think about food, have a protein shake, go back to sleep, etc.  And I'm still fat.

That isn't to say that I do not believe in therapy or psychiatry. I see one of each, but right now, I'm in crisis and neither one is helping. I just paid 100 bucks for a single bottle of pills. The rest of them cost a total of 100 put together. Add therapy and a shrink to that and you have one expensive disease.

I have been to the "I can't do this anymore!" point so many times and my saving grace is that my dog needs me. The worst part is that I need to be social to get better and yet I am afraid to enter into social situations because i don't want to be that girl at parties who bursts into tears. Now there are worse stigmas to have and we all know what they are.

First off, believe it or not, I'm better than I was. Scary huh? Scares the hell out of me!

I like my shrink because he is the first doctor who didn't decide he knew exactly what I needed and was unwilling to waiver from it. He is the first doctor I have ever had that said "We're still trying to figure out the brain and really with everyone being so different, it is kind of guess work". Now he didn't mean he was going to start prescribing stuff and hope something works, he was just explaining (something I'd learned the hard way from incompetent hard headed VA doctors) that we may not get it right the first time.

I'm on a new med, but I just started it so we'll see. This was sort of a venting hub so forgive the anger. It's just a very frustrating disorder to have. Clearly I'm in a calmer state now.