Especially when I'm feeling bad, I realize what my marriage lacks. I wish for once when I was feeling sick, depressed, sad or lost- he would say something to make me feel better. It seems that if he does say something, it makes me feel worse. Sometimes I feel like I should no better than to call him up when I'm looking to be comforted and yet I usually do it anyway and the outcome is usually disappointing.

There is not going to be any more counseling. I don't know what it will take for one of us to finally give in, give up and realize that we just aren't making eachother happy. Even though we love eachother, in our case love just isn't enough.

I long for someone to understand me and even after 20 years, he just doesn't. And I guess maybe I don't understand him either. We just don't see I to I most of the time.

And yet we have gone through life, every day since 14 together. We walk side by side in life but not truly together, certainly not walking hand in hand.

My heart hurts really bad tonight.