Do you Feel Unloved?
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How many times have you reached out to a friend in a time of crisis, just to have her turn her back on you? How many of you have had a relationship dissipate, slowly, without ever knowing why? Did you ever lie awake in bed wondering if your parents love you?
These feelings and questions can be more than heart-breaking. They can be soul-damaging. A person that feels unloved is not just sad or unhappy. Such feelings can lead to despair, or worse. Remember, however, that if love is not available from the source from which you seek, it probably cannot be given. It is not a deficiency of your character. Rather, the person or persons from whom you desire love and attention may simply be unable to express such emotions.
Love is Risky
Putting your feelings out for examination by others is extremely distressing for some people. These individuals guard their feelings with a fortress of defenses to prevent injury to their fragile egos. This can include friends, lovers, and even family members. You may be surprised to learn that your brother or sister cannot be truthful or forthcoming regarding their love for you. Ingrained competitions (older vs. younger siblings) may still be at work. After all, you used to compete for your parents' limited love.
Even parents, ironically, can end up competing with their children. Some mothers may see that their husband favors a daughter. Or, the reverse may be true with a wife loving a son so deeply that it threatens a husband.
How to Show Love
- Hugs and kisses
- Holding hands
- Keeping promises
- Coming home early
- Cooking dinner (and cleaning up afterwards)
- Offering to taking on an unpleasant chore
- Flowers
- Attentive listening
- Knowing his/her passions
- Knowing his/her fears
- Knowing his/her life desires
- Writing love notes
- Preserving a special memory (photos, scrapbook, compilation of songs)
- Unselfishly devoting time and energy to him or her
Love Means Different Things to Different People
The giving and receiving of love is a dance. Some need more, while others want to give less. And yet, these people are bound together. If you are in such a relationship, you may need to redefine expectations of each other to avoid disappointment and despair. With adults, it can come down to "show me that you love me," instead of just telling me so. But when words and actions do not match, discussions between those in the relationship may be able to resolve diferences. For a child, both showing and telling are critical. You cannot just tell your child that you love them when you act as if you are angry or upset with them much of the time. And, even if you think that your extra efforts with regard to making cookies or attending field trips is evidence of your affection for your kid, assuring them each night when you tuck them in that they are special and loved is an important way to end the day.
Love Gone Wrong - Sting
What about the sadness and loneliness?
Have you been the child, or the damaged one in a relationship? Are you needing comfort and assurance? You will have to learn to love yourself first before you can completely expect someone else to do the same. This definitely seems unfair and a huge burden to bear. But the result of feeling unloved invariably leads to lower self-esteem, which in turn, can result in clinginess, lack of confidence, and other personality traits which can send any potential lover running - fast! Start with a journal in which you can express your feelings on a daily basis. Consult with a counselor or religious leader. Many jobs offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) at little or no cost. Over time, you will gain confidence that you are a lovable person, regardless of your past. This should help you greatly in future relationships.
If your sadness or despair continues for more than 30 days without change, you should consult a physician. Medication and/or therapy may be necessary to get you on the path to a better mood and better love.
Clarity - a Poem of Childhood Sadness
Ice. Cold, hard, smooth.
What had been liquid the night before
has been transformed, overnight.
The world sparkles as the sun plays
upon the crystals, their edges razor sharp.
Looking into a sheet of ice,
I see my reflection.
Blurred and distorted, the image I
perceive seems to be an illusion, a dream.
But I am not asleep.
The winter wind blows harshly across
my face, confirming my consciousness.
A single tear falls upon the ice
and glistens.
Soon, it too will become part
of this frozen world; trapped until
warmer days release it.
Realizing the bitter cold, I
turn and leave.
Searching for something I have not found,
the snow marks my path.
Footprints wander away...
Alanis Morissette - Perfect
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Comments
This is a really good Hub. The illustrations complement the poetry nicely.
Cheers!
Amy Jane, how nice of you to say! Thank you so much! Patty, I really appreciate your comments, too! Best, Steph
Sounds like me right now.....
Dear ........, I hope you are OK. If you need help, please reach out to someone as soon as possible.
The fundemental problem is deceving yourself. The end result to life is death, therefore life has no meaning. This can be a boon or a barrier to you. I've never been loved by anyone, and I struggle daily with just breathing. I used to cry a lot, when I knew I wouldn't be discovered. Now I am changing, I am becomming a cold glacier. The tip is all you see, after all. Years of disillusionment with society, brooding, and aloofness has shown me how utterly worthless everything really is. I eagerly await an infinity of dreamless sleep.
Me again. I'm not suicidal, or something absurd like that. Just wanted a totally random outlet :)
Dear Anonymous - whether or not you are suicidal, it sounds like you could benefit from talking to a professional. Please take care!
Great stuff!
nice hub steph. I missed this one!
Hi Matthew and hot dorkage.... this is one of my earliest hubs. It was written for the HubLove contest back in Feb-March on the topic of love. Kind of personal, but isn't love usually that way? :) Thanks! Steph
love da hub Stephchic:)
I have been having soo many pains all over my body, some i know what are and others i dont!
Maybe its love sickness! i hear you can also die from this!?
I enjoyed the poem :)
I feel exactly what anonymous described. I've got such a big heart that I can love anyone. However I feel unloved and misunderstood. I feel sad and lonely ever since I am alive. I am an eternal child, struggling to survive in this icy cold world...I try my best and i always fail. Yet I try again only to suffer more and more...I just can't help surviving day after day. I know that I am not able to commit suicide. But how I wish I were loved for the one that I gave my heart, my time and everything. It's too hard, to love expecting nothing in return. But I have no choice, I will always love and forgive. I am not sure If one day they will understand. I am not sure I'll be loved back...
Im a 36 year old male, I had a relationship which recently ended and did a search on the internet for "feeling unloved". I am a very happy person and I am loved by my parents and family and even some friends, the problem is I was feeling "unloved" by my girlfriend. In the beginning of the relationship it was great(as most are), and it was good for awhile, but her hidden problems quickly came up....and unfortunately she has depression, and severe anxiety. As time went on, her health got worse and her desire to love me soon got worse too. I never realized how bad her illness was until she actually showed severe signs...I tried to be supportive in every way I could, but she only found comfort in her Mom. So, she decided to go to a therapist and not too long after asked me for some time apart....I didnt want that but she did. I realized after reading this topic that she is incapable of giving love as she does not love herself. She always puts herself down and actually said she is suffering being alive.....she sees a therapist now and I hope he can help her, because she is truly not well. Its hard for me, but I am getting better with reading on the internet. I miss her alot, but have become ok with the fact that maybe it is for the best. We were together for almost 3 years, and talked about getting married and having kids......I was also very close with her family....now it has come to a sad end. Thanks to anyone who reads this, and thanks for the great info steph. Be well everyone.
I'd like to thank you for the page.
Yes, I am unloved by my partner. However I realized that I have no reason to be sad. Because I am able to love people, I am able to love him even if he doesn't. So, this is a wonderful thing: to love, to give!
I realized that if I have love to give, so I have love in myself! That should be enough to continue living.
So I've stopped wishing to be loved back. Now I feel that I am truly free and happy!
I felt sorry for those who don't know true love and are still selfish. But I hope they one day learn how to love.
Yes, if people don't love you, maybe it's not your fault. Mayber they are selfish. Maybe they are feeling sad and depressed.
So now I understand the reason why I suffered. To understand people better. To pray for all the people, those who love and are not loved back and also those whot do not have love in their hearts.
Inspirational hub and I hope that you have sent a message out to so many.:)
Wonderful Hub! I even went ahead and wrote a hub on my feelings on this subject.http://hubpages.com/hub/Confessions-of-a-Daughter
Nice work on feeling unloved, Anamika. Best to you! Steph
This hub has touched me much more than you can imagine... thanks for sharing!
Thank you DjBryle, I am glad to hear that! Best, Steph
I think feeling unloved is more than what has been described so far. To feel unloved, you probably offered your love, to some degree, to someone and found your loved was rejected, in the sense it was not returned by someone important to you.
If you feel loved by someone important to you, you are able to easily withstand unreturned loved from other people. However, if you loved is not returned by someone important to you, you will likely become mixed up in your social relations--see or respond to things in an odd way, almost certainly bringing about hostile or unsympathetic responses from people you like but you no longer know how to approach in the "normal" or socially accepted way. For instance, your attempt to seek harmony or friendship might even be regarded as sexual harassment when your offer of friendship had no sexual undertone. Several of these misunderstandings, without help from someone who trust, can lead to an increasing number of misunderstandings and feelings of being rejected so that you start to become, and are regarded as, being weird, crazy or hostile. All this is unfair, of course, but you will need the help of someone who trust who, it is likely, you can no longer find if you have already moved into the state of being regarded as a oddball. This is all very unfair and sad, but short of a miracle intervention, you will feel like being condemned by Nature or God, depending on what you believe. Even a relationship to God, if you have one, starts to become difficult if all you feel you are getting is rejection and hostility. How you get out of this, short of a miracle, I don't know.
Very inspirational. Thanks a lot - I have voted this hub up! I find that when you start loving yourself, you start generating enough love to share with others. Subsequently, you start receiving it back too. It's really quite an amazing phenomenon.
I feel like my sibblings are loved more and get everyting they want even though they are mean and dont care about anyone but themselves and because i am nice and dont get treated with the same things they do but less i feel unloved by certain people
Very inspirational. I am that person "feeling unloved", have never ever felt loved. Recently I thought about ending ME. I realize this is a deep problem, but don't know where to start to free myself of it. Don't want to go to doctor, cause been there and she just wrote me prescription for anti depressant and anxiety meds. I went on them but felt much worse. My next step is to maybe talk to my pastor. Good Luck with writing. If you get the chance come and check out my blogs.
I am a 28 year old male. I've never been in a relationship and I have this great sense of feeling unloved. There 3 major issues that contributed to my feeling this way
1) my mum was verbally and physically abusive and I really have to think hard to come up with something positive she ever said about me.
2) my dad(separated from mum when I was 1.5 years) was distant. He never let me come to his house until I was 19 because my step mum would not let her, not did he do anything to really show that he cared. My siblings on my dad's side were practically born with a silver spoon in their mouth and I on the other hand lived in poverty.
3) I was born with a condition known as plagicephaly(misshapen head) and I was teased quite a lot about it in school. It made me afraid of gals. I wear a lot of hair to disquise my condition but when I have a hair cut, it becomes more obvious and my anxiety goes through the roof. I am beginning to experience some hairloss and that make me anxious as to how I'll cope without my hair.
I have been teased a lot by family friends and gals that I am extremely reluctant to get a gal friend because the fear of rejection just overwhelms me.Every morning, I wake up with an overwhelming sense of emptiness, anxiety and/or depression. I have all kinds of pain from joint pains, abdominal pains, muscle pains, stomach crumps, headaches etc. I have been to doctors but just don't feel they understand the complexity of my situation. I try to not think suicidal thoughts but often times I feel dying wouldn't be such a bad thing. My life is such a painful existence.
Carl - Your message absolutely broke my heart; I read it twice. Have you ever been in therapy? Depression can cause the kinds of body pain you described. I feel like seeing a therapist would give you a window to verbalize and begin sorting out what you just wrote. May I ask how writing it made you feel?
What you wrote shows a sensitive, intelligent individual who is very, very scared but who I think has a lot to give in both friendships and relationships. My sincerest wishes to you, Carl...I think you sound like you would be an amazing friend, father, and partner.
MrPopularNYC - I hope you realize your partner wasn't just in a bad mood--it sounds like she was very ill. People do not realize depression is a disease. I'm sure you were not unloved, not really. You are right, she did not love herself. Her unhappiness was in no way your fault. I'm sure if you talk to her after she has started getting better she would probably express nothing but deep gratefulness for you. Best wishes, Mr. Popular.
I am tired of loving myself, and I know I am a lovable person. Should I just get a hair cut? :)
amy jane says:
2 years ago
Hey Steph,
You are officially my favorite writer here :) I love the poem and photo.