Money may not really be the root of all evil, but it is certainly the cause of a whole lot disagreement in marriages. That's because people can have such different thinking about money. It's fairly safe to say that the less money a couple has, the more disagreements there are likely to be; but even people with a comfortable financial situation fight about money.

Here's an example of a classic money-disagreement: Your spouse is going to the store, and you ask him to pick him up a roll of paper towels. You assume he's more than familiar with store-brand paper towels (priced at $1 a roll) you've both been using for years. You've set aside $100 as your grocery budget for the next x number of days.

Your spouse returns and proudly hauls in a giant case of paper towels for which he spent about $30, but which - if you figure out - makes the price of a better brand "only" 80 cents a roll. Your spouse proudly notes, "...so, for only x cents more we now have a a month's worth of the better towels, and we saved x dollars on top of it all". Irritated by how pleased he is with himself, and with his "implication" that you spend more than necessary for some items, you become upset. You point out that you had thought his grocery trip would involve spending $20 (tops), and that he has now used up close to a third of the whole grocery budget "FOR PAPER TOWELS!". He angrily points out that "everybody knows if you want to save money in the long run you have to buy in bulk". You respond by reminding him that if you both don't stick to the budget there is no way you will be able to pay all the bills each month. Who is right? Both of you had your points, and both brought up "smart-spending" rules. Much of the time when it comes to money arguments, though, it isn't so easy to figure out who is right without looking at the overall situation at any given time.

When your spouse over-spends it can be difficult to know what to do. Maybe the first thing you need to do is consider whether, in fact, your spouse's spending is truly "over-spending". People's spending approaches could be said to fall on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1's being the people who are likely tape the cord on a ten-year-old, ten-dollar, toaster; and 10's being at the other extreme. If you're a 1, and your spouse is a 4 you're likely to view him as someone who over-spends. So, before deciding your spouse is an over-spender this is something to consider.

Another thing to consider is how serious a problem your spouse's spending is. Is he generally a responsible spender but simply refused to bring a bagged lunch to work each day? Does he just spend more on anything he buys? Is he someone who only occasionally makes a big purchase without discussing it with you? Is his spending going to "send you to "The Poor House"? Sometimes if an "over-spending problem" is not a very serious one spouse may have to overlook the occasional, or minor, over-spending. When spending results in things like too much credit card debt and too little savings, however, the problem is a serious one. Even when the financial consequences may not seem that serious the resentment that can build up when one spouse spends more than the other thinks he should can lead to problems in the marriage.

It could be said that over-spenders could be divided into three categories:

1. Generally responsible people who are, for some reason, irresponsible with money.

2. Generally responsible people who, for some reason, spend more than their spouse thinks they should even though they're spending may not be irresponsible

3. Completely irresponsible people.

Dealing with the spouse who is generally caring and responsible, but who is irresponsible with money, shouldn't be too difficult. Most of the time, people who are not "good with money" know that about themselves. Sometimes it's necessary for a couple to agree that the person who is most skilled at handling money should be the one to handle it and make the decisions. Precisely because this type of spender is caring and responsible, it is likely he will be willing to acknowledge that both spouses (and any children) would be better off with the most skilled spouses managing the money.

When your spouse is more one to fall into the second category (generally responsible but spends more money than you think he should), it can be a little more challenging. Why would a generally responsible person spend more than you think he should? There are several reasons, and it's important to understand them.

One reason may be lack of communication. If you were the angry spouse in the above paper-towel example, the problem could be that you are the one to usually do the shopping and deal with the "realities" of staying within the budget. Your spouse, on the other hand, may be more than familiar with money-management principles but without the experience of the "nitty-gritty" of day-to-day spending within a budget.

Your paper-towel-hauling spouse may be right that, over the course of a year, you would save a lot of money by buying in bulk. He is not the one, however, who must keep within a shorter term budget. He's going by the rules he learned (and they are correct, for the most part); but he isn't the one who will need to go back to the grocery store in a few days; faced with, perhaps, needing to buy $50 worth of groceries for another x number of days, and having only $20 (because "someone" spent $30 for a giant load of paper towels).

As with most other things in life where "being in the trenches" teaches that "rules from on high" don't always work well, it's important for spouses to really communicate about things like the differences between some rules and some realities. In the paper-towel example, if both people don't communicate sufficiently (and ideally, calmly), one spouse will walk away from the argument believing the other is "penny-wise and pound-foolish". The other may feel misunderstood, under-estimated, and even as if the efforts to stay within the budget have been "sabotaged".

What are other reasons a generally responsible person may over-spend?

Sometimes, when a person generally doesn't over-spend but refused to compromise on one or two spending issues, it comes from the thinking, "I don't spend on anything else, but I'll be darned if I'm going to do without my restaurant lunch on work days." The person who feels a peanut-butter sandwich just won't do may know he needs a hot lunch, or he may enjoy getting that salad out and eating lunch with co-workers. On this type of issues sometimes the spending needs to be accepted, and factored into any budget. If this type of spending is creating a bigger problem than it would for many couples, discussing how it's creating a problem and perhaps reaching a compromise would be the answer.

Sometimes even a couple who generally agree that they "won't spend on anything that isn't absolutely necessary" may disagree about what's "absolutely necessary". In this example, one spouse may not feel that buying lunch is necessary. The other may know he doesn't eat much breakfast, is "starving" by lunch, wants to go with the co-workers the way "everybody else does", etc.

There are times when arguments over spending aren't about the smaller, every-day, expenses. Some very responsible people will go for a very long time without ever spending a penny they shouldn't. After a while, their version of the "I-don-t-spend" thinking is that they haven't bought a thing in months and "just need to spend on this".

The helpful thing about generally responsible people is that they are willing to talk about any differences of opinion on spending. Something as simple as explaining their reasoning can lead to a better understanding and less resentment.

Most people (certainly not all) agree that neither spouse should spend large amounts or make big purchases without discussing them first. Fortunately, the generally responsible spouse would not do that.

A more serious problem is the problem of having a spouse who is a "shop-aholic". How extreme this kind of behavior is can range from "leaning toward wasting money a little too often" (but never to the point of sacrificing things like bill-paying because of it) to problems like buying 200 handbags and a "zillion" other things one doesn't need (to the point of needing psychiatric help). One program on shopaholics featured a woman who had lost her infant child, had a husband with a job requiring lots of travel, and found herself lonely and "trying to fill the void" by shopping.

Obviously, the spouse who spends to the point of needing a psychiatrist needs to seek help; and as with any other addiction, whether or not the other spouse chooses to stay in the marriage depends on that other spouse.

More common, though, is the spouse who spends too much but in a less extreme way. Shopping and spending are sometimes a sign that a person is generally unhappy, or dissatisfied, in life; and he looks to buying things to find "a little happiness". This was demonstrated in a fairly recent news story that pointed out that "the more miserable people are, the more they spend". In other words, sometimes the spouse who does this kind of spending is not "happily and cavalierly shopping for fun", but instead is longing for something that may brighten his otherwise dreary mood or days. It may seem ironic that as something like financial worries could trigger spending; but based on that news story mentioned, it is apparently a common phenomenon. Although extreme than in the shopaholic case above, people who have been through loss can have a tendency to develop a "life-is-short" philosophy. Another version of that philosophy is this one: "Life is miserable enough. Why not just buy that new set of golf clubs and be happy."

Talking and trying to get to the root of the "misery" (even if that requires seeing a counselor) may be the only way a couple can deal with this kind of spending. Since some people may not have even considered what may have contributed to their tendency to over-spend, it's helpful to have someone else ask whether there has been too much loss or sadness. There are times when the "sadness" may be nothing more than feeling deprived for a long time. Some people who feel deprived for a long time respond by wanting to save every penny they've ever earned; while others may be "so sick of feeling deprived" they spend more than they should.

When deciding whether your spouse has a "problem", though, it is important to keep in mind the differences in people when it comes to ideas about spending. Although blanket generalizations about husbands/fathers and wives/mothers is never appropriate, there is one common difference between many husbands and many wives: Husbands often think in terms of "providing food and shelter for the family". They often think in terms of the immediate "roof overhead" and bills, but also in terms of long-term financial stability. Men (certainly not all, but many) can have a tendency, too, to think in terms of what they, personally, value. In other words, if belongings are theirs they see those belongings as "important". If the belongings are not theirs (perhaps their kids' toys, their wife's books, etc.) some men (again, not all) will view the belongings of others as "unnecessary".

Again, cautioning that blanket statements don't apply to everyone: Many women view what is important (in terms of spending) with the whole family's overall well-being (emotional and intellectual, as well as financial) in mind. In other words, while a husband/father may think, "If it's not food or shelter it isn't necessary", a wife/mother may be more aware of some emotional consequences that may result by doing without something. Some mothers, more than some fathers, may be more likely to spend on, for example, activities they believe may help develop children's skills, or that one item that "all the other kids have" (in order not to let their child feel like a "have not").

There are, of course, plenty of couples in which it is the woman who thinks, "If you don't eat it or keep the house warm with it you don't need it," and the man who wants his child to have that nice bike all the other kids have. Either way, this is another situation where open and honest communication is extremely important. Equally important is that both spouses truly respects what the other has to say, and considers the possibility that the other person may actually have some good reasoning. Without that kind of respect communication isn't real communication.

The important thing to realize, when your spouse is a generally responsible person who spends more than you think he should (or than anyone would think he should) there's a good chance his spending is not caused by an "irresponsible attitude". Often, the reasons an otherwise responsible person spends more than his spouse thinks he should involve either differences in "spending values", or else unhappiness. There may even be situations in which one spouse badgers or otherwise attacks the other about spending, in which the badgered spouse may become even more miserable and spend yet more, spend out of a "non-aggressive" form of revenge, or simply feel he is going to "give up" and just do whatever he feels like doing as far as spending goes.

Before allowing your spouses spending habits to lead you to assume he's "just irresponsible", it's really important to talk (and listen), and try to get to the root of the problem.

So what about the spouse who, not matter how you look at it or who looks at it, is clearly just irresponsible to the point of destroying your finances and risking destroying the relationship? You can start by asking your spouse to seek professional help for his behavior, but there's a good chance his "irresponsible self" will not be willing to do that. Beyond requesting your spouse get professional help you have three other choices:

1. Ask yourself if you love this person in spite of his "flaws"; and if you do, arrange to have your own income and keep your money and the management of it to yourself. Have your own checking and savings accounts, investments, credit cards, etc. Live where you can afford the monthly rent/mortgage and other bills. (You may end up paying the bills, but at least they'll paid. You just need to realize that you've chosen to remain with this partner, so you shouldn't resent him for the situation.) Encourage your irresponsible partner to get his own income (if he doesn't have one), and accept that he'll spend it in his irresponsible ways.

2. Ask yourself if you love this person enough to be able to live in chronic financial upheaval and instability. If you do, then accept it and stay.

3. Leave the marriage. Much of the time, one spouse will put up with another's grossly irresponsible spending for a while. After the first few financial disasters and set-backs, however, it can become clear that as long as the marriage lasts there will always one disaster after another; and disasters usually take a serious toll on couples/families after a while. When a spouse's spending is extreme and thrusts the family finances into serious disaster, sometimes the only option is to leave.

Regardless of the kind of over-spending, or the degree of the problem it brings, it's always important to remember that much of the time the real problem is not the spending but not understanding the roots of it. It may be very helpful to do some serious research (with very well established and reputable sources) to learn more about people's different attitudes toward spending, as well as causes of over-spending.

All over-spending is not equal. Some of it is a sign of a more serious problem. Some of it is "in the eye of the beholder" only. Then again, there is even some over-spending that just isn't worth fighting about.

The only way you can figure out how to deal with a spouse's over-spending is to find ways to understand the spending, yourself, your spouse, and the situation better; and asking your spouse to work with you on addressing all the issues.