When is it good not to tell the truth?
71I have often heard Christians talk about brutal honesty, open frankness, and always speaking the truth (though they occasionally add the "with love" clause). Personally, I have seen way too much damage come out of situations where Christians felt it was their "duty" to speak the truth regardless of how it would affect the situation, other people, and relationships. And then, as I was talking with my Dad one night, he proposed to me that perhaps there are times when it is not only good, but right to not tell the truth. My mind has grasped this concept and held on tightly, and I seem unable to shake this idea from my thoughts.
Don't get me wrong, there is a time for absolute honesty, a time when people need to hear the truth "in love", but I think that when it comes to confrontation we need to be rather more cautious on the whole about how often we decide that confrontation is the right road to take. In direct relationships (with friends, siblings, or parents) we do need to be honest when we are hurt, but in less direct relationships confrontation should, for a Christian, only come after much prayer (and confirmation from God that that is indeed the path we are to walk down). Confrontation is, after all, God's office and we ought to leave it to God unless we know for certain that He wants to speak through us.
Of course, it is much easier to say this than to live this. There are times I just want people to get it, to understand what they're doing to themselves or others. But then, there also are times when it is hard to speak the truth rather than remain silent; doing right, not just good, is often not the easiest thing to do.
But our communities would be less thorny and painful if we could learn to sometimes bite back the cutting words of truth that threaten to overspill onto our relationships. Because there is something that God cares about more than truth, and so we, too, ought to care about this more than truth: relationship. Real, genuine, love-filled relationship is worth more than any amount of hard-hitting truth that can be amassed by all of Christianity. And that is the truth.
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I think if people went back to "The Ten Commandments" there wouldn't be a reason for trouble...Simply 'do unto other's as you would have them do unto you'...of course not everyone believe's that anymore...We are so mixed up....G-Ma :o) hugs
Before even reading your hub I know that I’m one who has been brutally honest at times, and not always in love. I know that Christians may be notorious for this, but…
we are not the only ones. We do have a higher standard to attain.
Thank God that He is not finished with me yet.
I must say (the truth :), there is nothing that God cares more about than truth – “the truth shall set you free” I do not see where God puts anything that is important to Him above something else that is important to Him.
Bottom line, I agree with your premise, but not all details, by this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
No, the bottom line is that it doesn’t matter what I think but what God says:
And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 NKJV
Thank you for a thought provoking hub. ~ eddie
P.S. I guess you know this wil be another hornets nest and I'm leaving before I get stung. ~ ed
Sometimes what I consider The Truth isn't, so it turns out that I have expressed my opinion as if it is The Truth. I guess it's important to be very clear and honest with myself about why I think it's my right to share what I consider to be The Truth and to make certain it is The Truth before I lay the burden on my victim. I don't always know what is best... only God knows and God doesn't always share this information with me!
Brutal Honesty Or Tempered Opinion? The truth of the matter can only be found when RAW emotion is swept away....A true friend will give me their opinion...not because they want to see me hurt but because they want to see me heal. The whole truth has its place. If it injures the person you are being honest with or others just so the slate is clean that is selfish and harmful. If it is a matter of fault finding then leave that to those best qualified to throw stones. It really isn't a matter of religion...confession which is practiced by many religions not just Christianity is a way for a person to meet their reality face to face.
The problem with most dishonesty is that it undermines the foundations of trust and thus relationships need as much honest and pure emotion as possible. Understanding is more valuable than being brutally honest. If someone lends empathathetic listening to their list of character traits then it is incredible how honest and open relationships become.
The brutal honesty approach seldom works.....someone has to get on a pedestal to use it. Truth is certainly a gateway to freedom and it is not opened with judgemental points of view.
Interesting hub, Patience. It's difficult to make an "honest" comment as you've tangled Truth and Christianity up to occupy the same road. I've never seen any one thing which discourages Truth more than Christianity.
If you are genuinely interested in Truth, look for it within yourself.
Nice debate going on here. Great hub for looking at core values. I believe telling the truth is all about honesty. You can't have a better life without being honest; too many people lie to themselves. But you can be honest without brutally hurting somebody. Please see how I try to help others in new ways. Sincerely: Gary Eby, author and therapist.
Whatever one thinks, truth is the best policy If a person is not completly honest, conscience will gnaw at her soul, and eventually truth will emerge.
God bless.
I'm with Constant :o) You might find this resource of assistance... http://www.eckharttolle.com
Wow. I don't think I expected quite this much feedback. Well...umm...y'all had a lot of really interesting things to say. Let me just say from a recent experience that basically what I believe is this: it's not about telling hard truth as much as it is about why you are telling hard truths to someone. Nine times out of ten I do it to change the person, and if I really look at my heart it's about how much I want the rules to be enforced because it makes me feel better. I think that when that is my motivation I should absolutely not say anything to the person because I am not speaking out of love, but out of self-righteousness.
But when I speak in love, my words are in line with God's heart (at least most of the time). And that's when it's okay to speak hard truths.
Great comments, y'all. Really made me think!
Great Conclusion! I agree that "Real, genuine, love-filled relationship is worth more than any amount of hard-hitting truth that can be amassed by all of Christianity." I was just wondering but you and your Dad said you thought of times when it is ok not to tell the truth, can you give me an example? I think there are times when to keep silent but that is different than telling a lie. Jesus told the truth his entire life, and we are to follow his example. About what you said in love-filled relationships... I just finished another hub but need an edit for it, I would really like for you to read it when I publish it!
Personally, I would say that it's never good to not tell the truth. I wrote a hub called http://hubpages.com/hub/The-beautiful-face-of-evil and I've gotten some responses that do question the necessity of a lie. The people who protected Jews during the Holocaust and blacks that were on the underground railroad during slavery. Another response mentioned good kids who lied to bad parents. I do believe that all situations are different, but in the end, whether we do good or we do wrong, we are held accountable for all our actions.
Tyhill: well, for one thing, there are things like what talented ink mentioned about protecting Jews during Holocaust or fleeing slaves on the underground railroad, but there might be other times. I am rather hesitant to say things like, "it's okay in this, this, and this situation, but not in this, this, or this." What needs to be said is more about individuals and individual situations. How about the steroetypical, "does this make me look fat?" I'm sure that to a creative and clever mind there are many, many situations in which it may be acceptable (or even commendable) to lie, but that's is not the point. The point is not, "can I get away with lying," or, "can I get away with brutal honesty," but rather, "what is the most loving thing I can say for this person right now that will show them how much I love them and how much they are worth to me and to God?"
Thought provoking! C.S.
Does the truth always set us free? Hmmm... I believe so. And then if we have to speak our truth, I guess it must be done quietly and gently. You are right, not the cutting, hurtful way.
Ha ha! This sounds like another "healing call" for you, ripplemaker! I could envision seminars about "Truth!"
I've gone round and round on this one all my life and I'm over 60 now. Our spoken language, especially English, is tricky. Truth is tricky. So called Christians don't even know the truth about Jesus, let alone practice his words. I grew up reading the quotes of Jesus and it's what has led me away from Christianity, but I still follow his words. What I mean by the word "truth" may not mean the same as what you mean. The "truth" ends up being a word game and a mind game. How about a "heart game?" And many people have "beliefs about the truth" and try to impose it on others without being willing to be "truly" honest with themselves. That, of course, is spreading denial, no matter how sincere, in the name of truth.
Each of us has to find our own truth. I don't think any of us is capable of understanding "The Truth." The best we can do is look within and find our "place of authenticity" and share it.
When you are truly honest with yourself, you spread "ripples" whether you ever say it in words or not. The truth is a quality. I don't know that it can even be frozen into "words." Blurting something out just to relieve our own guilt is certainly not "living in truth." The truth is not just a head trip or so many words. The truth lives in our hearts and in our bone marrow. The truth is recorded in our DNA. What Jesus said about the truth setting us free is basically true. But it is not about defending a belief or getting stuck in our heads. It's about testing our own core beliefs to see if they are truth or not. It's about searching "within." Jesus said, "The kingdom of God is within." He also said that all "the Law" is contained in love.
Sometimes the truth has to be spoken very gently. Sometimes it has to be spoken with "tough love." And sometimes speaking it has no good effect at all because the other can not "hear it." My teacher taught me to always speak in the language of the audience. But mostly the truth has to be lived. If we seek our "own truth" and live by it, we send out the ripples of truth that go beyond words that we can write here on your hub.
The best I can do is to keep seeking my own truth and live it. I can speak from my heart and my place of authenticity when I need to speak and only hope that other's can hear it. And I have to be patient and tolerant in a world that is diseased and has trouble hearing it. Sometimes people are uncomfortable just with my silent presence.
I can ask myself if what I am speaking is sharing what is authentic and if it's being spoken to bring enlightenment and understanding, or to defend my denial or a false belief, or to alleviate my own guilt.
Ripplemaker is a wonderful name and thank you for a wonderful write! Keep on spreading ripples of healing! Maybe the freedom Jesus spoke of has to do with us being honest about what kind of ripples we are spreading? How many people realize that we all spread ripples and to take responsibility for them?
I can feel your ripples beyond your words. And I very much appreciate the words you have written in this fascinating subject. Thank you so much! And thank you for being who you are!
Honesty is a better word than truth, perhaps, and living it is better than speaking it, as you already stated. And even speaking honestly has to be examined if it's true intent is to facilitate healing or for some other purpose. Jesus was always aware "of how it would affect the situation, other people, and relationships." Sometimes Jesus was soft and gentle and sometimes brutally honest. It was always tailored to the person and situation and the unique truth of that moment. It was always given in love and for healing. But who wants to hear that?
I think it is right to always tell your truth. Sometimes this is difficult not because of a wish to lie but because you only have memories or what you have been told is true to go on. As long as what you say is the truth as you know it then it is true for you and there is nothing better you can do!
I am not a Christian but I do believe in the Biblical idea that this world is run by lies and that the Devil (or the evil force) is the Father of Lies. The only answer I can therefore see is for people to speak their truths. Not only that but God (I do believe in God) see all truths and lies and you yourself know whether what you have said is true or false.
I also believe that it is possible and often happens that people convince themselves that something is true when it really isn't. It has become a truth by virtue of the belief in it and nothing more.
Often it is impossible to know or speak the truth because the subject matter is up to debate and so again it is a matter of who do you believe?
What about when all it does is hurt the person you tell?
A very simple example, Person A invites you to a dinner and asks that you do not mention it to Person B the reason they tell you is that they do not get along with Person B, a surprise to you, but you accept the invite say its a shame Person A won't be there and think nothing more of it.
You are then in a conversation with Person B and they say they have heard there is a dinner on at Person A's place and all mutual friends are going except Person B, they ask you to confirm that it is true. You tell your FIRST TRUTH - Yes. Person B asks you why they are not invited, You tell your SECOND TRUTH - Because they do not like you. Person B is shattered and cannot understand why, furthermore cannot understand why her close friends would let this happen, and whilst it is true people do not always get along, it hurts to know that someone does not like you.
By telling the truth in this situation, everyone gets hurt, a white lie would have suffised. For example the answer to why am I not invited, should be "I don't know". Whilst it is a lie it is sufficient. This gives Person B the opportunity to make up their own reason and come to their own conclusions in time, it hurts to be told someone does not like you. It's a very hard truth to digest when told to you, its better if you come to the conclusion on your own.
This can be viewed as an immature example, perhaps the first truth for Person B is that not everyone will like you, but sometimes the truth causes more problems then a white lie. I can think of hundreds of examples, where telling someone something just hurts them. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, if you think you are beautiful and everyone thinks you are ugly, will it help you to know the truth?? If someone asks you if they are truly a waste of space and you say yes, do you think that will help them improve?
I am not sure if I am making sense but in short, telling the truth is not always the best thing to do.
Wow! Y'all's comments are really making me think here! So...what if truth isn't words, but about a heart of love? What if anything other than love isn't truth? Probably pretty far out there and not totally accurate, but what if love is more true than "brutal honesty"?
Brilliant discussion going on here!
sometimes its right to lie, eg when an undercover police officer is trying to get into a villains world, they can't blow their cover, so have to lie. truth is the guidance but the more important allegiance should be to quality of life.....just a thought....
Interesting how you use the word villian; a lot of people that get involved with stuff like drugs, and other "illegal stuff" have been or are victims of things like abuse, neglect, hate, ostracism, poverty, and other really bad things. Not that that excuses poor life choices, but it seems a little harsh to judge broken, damaged, hurt people as "villians"; they've usually been through a lot more crap than any of us will ever have to deal with.
Off my soapbox now...yeah, allegiance to the principle of a life of integrity and honesty that is behind the concept of truth is the ideal.
I like this one :)
Thanks.
Concerning G-Ma's quote, I love the brutal, honest truth... but I don't think anyone else does anymore :(
I think there is almost always something that we are not willing or not ready to hear, at least not with such brutal frankness. Sometimes we have to respect where people are at in their journeys and what they are or are not ready to hear. It would be so much simpler if we could all handle the truth, but I don't think any of us can really handle the whole truth about ourselves yet. It has to dawn on us a little at a time.
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Britt Azlin says:
16 months ago
Great Hub,
Right now I'm struggling with not saying what everyone else is ignoring. There is a HUGE elephant in the room that needs to be addressed but in the safety of not causing a riff everyone is silent. It's aweful, it's funny that Christians are taught so many things: above all else love, so they don't tell the girl quit being selfish and go back to your God fearing wonderful husband. No, instead they take her in and treat her like she's always been single and isn't throwing away her vows made to God 7 years ago. Sorry I'm using your Hub as a place to vent.
So in contrary to not telling the truth b/c it hurts, are we also called to tell the truth when it's needed? The divide is in place, how could it hurt the situation more?