When to forgive Infidelity
83When to forgive Infidelity
The pain of infidelity goes deep. Infidelity is a betrayal of trust, and a rejection of who you are and the role you are in. In many ways it feels like a total rejection. The hopes that you and your spouse shared have been shattered. With the shattering of those hopes comes massive disappointment. With infidelity, one looses not only their spouse, their friend but also their future.
In overcoming the infidelity one of the issues that needs to be dealt with is forgiveness and when it needs to be applied.
First, forgiveness is a process. It is not a one-time event. Since it is a process, it is something that is on-going. This on-going process requires the forgiver to let go. They will need to let go of the pain, the desire for revenge, and resentments. The letting go involves releasing the emotional and spiritual baggage that the forgiver has. The letting go may likely involve issues they have towards their spouse, themselves and their God. In some cases, it may require letting go of feelings toward friends or family members that were involved in the whole affair mess.
As to when forgiveness needs to occur, there is no one size fits all answer. Since everyone deals with pain differently the answer regarding when to forgive varies greatly as well. The simple answer is when the person is ready to stop hurting. My own experience is that before forgiveness can occur the person considering forgiveness needs to have a clear idea of what they are forgiving. It is easier to let go of something if you have a clear idea of what you are letting go of.
Some questions to consider in this matter are:
- What is it that you are forgiving? Is it a behavior? Is it an attitude?
- What was done to you?
- Are you tired of hurting?
- Are you ready to let go?
- Is holding on to your grudges helping or hurting you?
Many people stumble on forgiveness since they do not understand what it is and how it works. It is not making excuses for the person. It is not condoning what happened. Forgiveness is not pardoning. A pardon is a legal action. Criminals can be pardoned or released from their sentence. Forgiveness involves emotional and spiritual concerns. You can forgive, yet still hold the other party accountable in a legal sense for their betrayal.
Another stumbling block concerns grudges. Oddly enough, some people have magical thinking regarding holding onto their grudges. It is as if they are holding onto a mental voodoo doll and use the memories of what occurred to wish ill on the offender. They somehow believe that holding the grudge gives them power or control over the other person. They do not want to forgive now since it would involve surrendering the magic power they think they have over the offending spouse. Grudges do not work that way. Instead, grudges do just the opposite, controlling those holding onto the grudge.
Another common mistake is forgiving too soon. When forgiveness is given before there is a clear idea of what is being forgiven, then there are often episodes of free-floating resentments. Forgiveness can occur withouth knowing all the minute details of the affair. Many times people have to forgive before they can grasp what happened from all the perspectives involved.
Forgiving too soon does not allow for the other spouse to be held accountable. When a person fogives prematurely, the guilt, which often serves as a motivation to bring about changes is suddenly dissapated. The forgiven person then no longer feels a sense of remorse. The adulterer often wrongly assumes that once they have been forgiven the whole affair episode is concluded.
When they are forgiven too soon, the issues leading to the infidelity are not dealt with. THe forgiveness reduces the pain level, but does not repair the relationship. Before the relationship is healed, the damage will need to be repaired and the intimacy restored. Premature forgiveness often keeps a façade of intimacy, when the reality is that the couple does not feel close to each other, they are just terrified of being abandoned, and take steps to avoid those sensations.
Choosing when to forgive is often a painful question
10 Common excuses for not forgiving
- If I forgive them they will only do it again.
- They were not truly sorry
- They never asked for forgiveness
- I don't like them
- They did it on purpose
- If I forgive, I'll have to be nice to them
- Someone has to punish them for what they did
- They aren't sorry for what they did
- They are just going to do it again
- I was hurt too much to forgive
Links to resources by the author
- The Affair Recovery System
Is your marriage worth saving? If you want to save your marriage but are not sure how to do it, the Affair Recovery System will provide you with proven powerful tools to change your marriage. - Marriage Counseling
The author has a limited number of openings available for couples wanting to restore their marriage. Contact him for times and availability. - Survive Your Partner's Affair @ Facebook
More resources to help you in restoring your marriage
Survive Your Partners Affair Blog Feed
- Can my marriage be saved?
The emotion filled question “Can my marriage be saved?” is often asked by hurting spouses. My response to their question ranges from heartbroken pain to being appalled. The question is one that seeks for validation and hope regarding their relationship. It is as if those hurting couples are wanting the counselor to give them permission [...] - 23 hours ago
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Not all Mother-in-Laws are evil. Some are very wonderful people who are filled with love, hope and encouragement. Although not all are evil, some are. I have to address the topic since a Mother-in-Law is in a unique position to encourage or devastate a marriage. I have encountered some MIL who keep photos of their [...] - 2 days ago
- Held hostage by secrets
Cassie was excitedly getting ready for a days outing with her sister Tammy. They often did things together. When Cassie arrived for the swim party, she was shocked. Tammy was there with another man, who was not her husband. Tammy quickly approached her sister and swore her to secrecy concerning this little ‘get together’ and [...] - 2 weeks ago
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Comments
Errata : Read `various person to person' as `varies from person to person' in Answer 5.
easegiri,
Thank you for your comments. Holding grudges definitely alters the flow and keeps forgiveness from occurring.
Jeff Murrah
i love the pivotal point you are making, that untill such time that a person betrayed actually makes his or her mind about what is the "crime" and WHAT TO FORGIVE - one is just running around in circles chasing one's own emotional tail. it is indeed probably the first point of healing - to narrow down and bring to the earthly level the entire crisis. Thank you for the insights and the serious way in which you offered your judgement about this problem
Bozyslawa,
You posed a fascinating question that began the hub. I appreciate you enjoying it.I hope that it helps many people.
I am looking for answers to the question of forgiveness because I would like to understand the emotions involved in forgiving - in the clear knowledge that it is essential for healing. I want to find out what are the basic ingredients, the "structural" elements of forgiveness as power that "uncorks" being stuck on pain.
Forgiving is healthy - which is easy to see when we observe emotional and physiological devastation of unreleased negative emotions. What is the medicine, however bitter, that we have to swallow to effect healing?
Bozyslawa,
Forgiveness is healthy. I find that many people use the word forgiveness without grasping what is actually involved. To illustrate, let me use your comment.
In your statement , "I would like to UNDERSTAND the emotions involved in forgiveness". You combined 'understading' which is a cognitive process to an emotion. Emotions along with emotional processes operate differently than do cognitve/logical processes. Each functions according to a seperate set of ground rules. Applying one set of ground rules to the other turns into a proverbial combinging of 'apples and oranges'.
In response to your question of "What is the medicine, however bitter, that we have to swallow to effect healing?" The answer, when dealing with affairs is often taking an honest look at how oneself contributed to the situation either directly or indirectly. Many people either do not want to look or cannot honestly look at the role they played in the situation. Anxiety and guilt often keep people from taking that honest look at themselves. When in pain, it is easier to focus on others and assume a position of self-pity rather than to take that honest look.
Your wisdom is great - i hope you have oportunities to influence the lives of a lot of people around you - you can play a role of a mentor and "tribal elder" to the benefit of many. Thanks for your help.
In many ways, it would be nice to say it is "my wisdom" or that I origianally came up with these ideas. These are just ideas I have picked up from other writers and people I have met along the way. They made sense to me, so they stuck and I share them with others. Thank you for the encouraging words.
Thanks for the insights on forgiveness. I like your statement, "forgiveness is a process." In my work with those facing infidelity the concept of forgiveness is a tough one to grasp, or maybe, more difficult to follow through on. It' doesn't need to happen all at once, a common misconception. The best...
Robert,
I agree that forgiveness is a challenging concept for people to come to grips with. People understand denial, letting go, and giving permission but they do not fully grasp forgiveness. It is oneof the major stumbling blocks in dealing with the affair issue.
Thanks for stopping by, I know I often find your material very insightful.
Regards,
Jeff
wonderful wonderful hub, very thought provoking and clarity on a subject I understood little about and how to handle. Your 10 common reasons why people wont forgive is exactly what I thought. Your wisdom and insight can be applied to many areas including forgiveness of oneself i feel. I had the painful process of doing just that when recovering from my addictions and mistakes I had made. I agree, its not about condoning behaviour, forgiving oneself is nesassary for personal spiritual growth and to be able to finally move forward with life. Thx so much for sharing such an important topic. :)
epifanny,
Thank you for your encouraging comments. Forgiveness is a topic that definitly cuts across the specturm of human experiences. You have some tremendous insights. I will be looking forward to reading through your hubs. If people understood what forgiveness is and what it is not, it would save them a great deal of pain.
I can not understand how you can forgive someone that has turned your life upside down. I accept what they did and do not what it to happen again. I feel I am the fool because he did behind my back involving friends and family. So how do you forgive I feel he and she deserves the same they did to me.
Deena,
Since understanding is largely a cognitive function of comprehending and forgiveness is a function that deals more with 'letting go'. The two functions are often at cross purposes. When people try to 'understand' and 'forgive' at the same time they find that they either can't do it or it requires great effort.
Since forgiveness deals with letting go, it is possible to let go of the pain without having a full cognitive understanding of the who, what, when, where, how associated with an affair. Some people find that they have to forgive before they are ready to fully understand what happened. (By fully understand, I am refering to being able to understand the affair from all perspectives. Not forgiving often makes it difficult to see the situation from other perspectives).
Forgiveness does not mean that you condone or approve of what occurred. It only means you are choosing to let go of the pain. The pain you let go of is your pain, NOT the adulterers pain. It does not mean that you forget what happened either.
To put it simply when a person is ready to stop hurting and stop blaming themselves then they are ready to forgive. When they need to hold onto the pain, blame, shame then they are not ready to forgive. Pain, shame and blame can often be very powerful. The power they provide often leads the resolute spouse to belive they have some 'control' over the situation. That percieved control is often a form of manipulative guilt. Mistaking control for manipulative guilt can lead to erroneous actions.
The biggest problem I'm dealing with right now is being able to forgive myself. Check out my hub
Rob,
Thanks for the comment. I will check out your hub and see what you are working through. I will then follow up with a hub on the issue. I often do not see all the blind spots, this will help me. Thank You
Hi, You have a great hub here leaving a lot to think about, a lot of useful information and I admire your work.
I started hubbing late last year and I'm unsure of my work! I was wandering if you would not mind taking a moment and becoming a critic for my hub??
With your expertise and quality content, your help would be much appreciated!
Kind Regards
Stacey Reece =o)
Stacey,
I would be glad to critic your hub. How I usually do it is to look at the hub and send you feedback in a personal e-mail. People do not like their laundry done in public, even with hubs. I am glad that you stopped by. Your comment that it 'leaves you with a lot to think about' made my day.
I look forward to reading your hub.
Jeff
I am not ready to forgive my husband yet, but your hub was insightful and has given me a lot to consider. Thank you for writing!
farrah,
Thank you for your kind comments. Although forgiveness is important, an important part of forgiveness is the timing. It often does more damage for people to claim to forgive their spouse or forgiving them prematurely. When that occurs, there are many resentments and hurts that are swept under the rug prior to them having been resolved or dealt with.
I often try to encourage couples to wait regarding forgiveness. When one forgives, they need to have a clear idea of what they are forgiving. When it is done too early, they often do not know what they are forgiving, which leads to confusion in the relationship.
Best Regards!
hi Sir JD Murrah,
i was grateful to have find this hub page, it lightens what i feel. i would like to seek advice, well i have been out of a very devastating break-up six months ago. I know in my heart that I no longer love my ex-boyfriend. However, I find it quite hard to get over with him (and the girl he cheated me with). Actually, I always tell to myself and my friends that we can still be friends but nit while "they" are still together. On the other hand, i don't think there is still a reason for us to be "friends' for inthe first place he no longer qualify as a friend, because a friend is someone who truly cares for you and will not betray you....So, my problem is how to get rid of thinking about them, 'cause though I really wanted to forgiv them, I don't like the idea that they are still together... sigh.
Cayenne,
Thank you for writing. Breakups are often painful. It hurts loosing the relationship you once had. It also hurts loosing the hopes and dreams that go with relationships. Deciding whether or not to stay in a relationship with the person is often a difficult choice especially after there has been a betrayal. Just because you choose to forgive them does not mean that you have to trust them or be friends with them.
You can forgive, set your boundaries and keep your distance. Forgiving them does not mean you approve of what they did or that you will make yourself vulnerable to be hurt by them again through betrayal. Since they have betrayed you and kept secrets, he has through his actions shown you the value the relationship means to him. It would be helpful to consider that.
You shared a lot of insight on the subject. I think that you are very intelligent and understanding of the hurt and pain.
Nan,
Thank you for your kind comments. You are very perceptive. My life has had some hurts and pains which taught me about such issues from a first hand perspective. Thank you for coming by.
Hubpages on Infidelity
- When to forgive Infidelity
- The language of infidelity
- Checking Up on Internet Infidelity: Web Browsers
- THE ADULTEROUS ACT OF INFIDELITY
- Infidelity: Rebuilding Trust
- Signs of Infidelity
- Infidelity: Divorce and Custody-Concerns
- Checking Up on Internet Infidelity: Instant Messengers
- When can infidelity in a relationship, especially marriage, be forgiven?
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easegiri says:
2 years ago
I would have greatly missed such a thought provoking deeply analysed hammering of events and occurences that passess in the mind of the one who was betrayed.
The emotional feeling of the person betrayed and his various thoughts have been rightly analysed.
Only a strong will-powered God fearing and meditative person could be able to withstand such betrayal and forgive his spouse.
Answer for questions
1. Behaviour and attitude, I feel are same which are forgiven.
2. What was done was the result of one's own karmic deeds.
3. You hurt the other and if it could be resisted then you are hurt more. It leads losses after loss within the family.
4, Majority of them brude on their fate. No one is ready to let go of that betrayal. It is only the consequences of hitting back prohibits them to take any drastic action. Some take to spiritual life, some suicide, some murder etc.
5. Holding on to grudges various person to person. It results in mental shambles or it may lead to some crime one time or the other.