When Do You Tell Your Sweetie You're a Virgin?

The main answer seems to be: it depends on what you want to do about it, and what you want him or her to do about it.

I have a good male friend who was a virgin well into his mid-twenties. When he finally decided not to be one any more, he chose not to tell the girl until after the, uh, condition had been reversed. I asked him why. "Because," he said, looking at me like I was an idiot, "I didn't want her to know."

I didn't feel qualified to answer this question alone. I was fifteen at a time and place where fifteen-year-old virgins were the norm, not the exception. Since then, I have dated one virgin - a 42-year-old Scientologist. He was still a virgin when I broke up with him after a couple of weeks. No, the virginity wasn't an issue. The Scientology, however, was.

So, not having a whole lot of experience in this area, I asked around. Some of my friends had the following to say:

Glen said: If you are still a virgin, it is a serious social pig who might be interested in or pleased by such a fact.

Sadie's comments: I've dated virgins in the past, but I certainly don't fetishize them. If I was dating someone who was a virgin, I'd like to know right away, as well as knowing what that meant to them. It could represent a deep difference in values between us, and I'd need to know that up front. I am not a virgin. I desire and expect a sexual relationship from my primary romantic relationship (I can flirt with good friends forever with no consummation). I do not and will not "save myself" for marriage. Waiting until a person is comfortable and knows me is another factor. Going slow can be erotic.

Vicki: Well, it has been a few years, but I didn't have to tell him, it was a bloody mess, he figured it out. My virginity loss was planned and calculated, and he was attractive...but not my sweetie. Unfortunately, the result of his discovery was to promptly show up the next day with an engagement ring. I tried to be gentle as I told him..."uh...no, I am 15."

Lars: When I lost my virginity...no, I didn't tell first, I admitted it when asked during [sex] and, um, we should have talked more first. The first few were all learning experiences. Yes, I was 18 to 19 for the process but I'm a late bloomer.

What I'm getting from all this, dear reader, and I hope you are, too, is that you need to decide whether or not you want to stay a virgin until some specific time - wedding night, engagement, etc. - and then act accordingly. There is no 100% right answer for every virgin, and there's no 100% wrong answer either.

But your sweetie deserves honesty, and not just about your hypothetical future sex life. At some point (especially if you're a guy) you're going to have to ‘fess up. Whether you do so before or after is totally up to you.

Whatever you decide, remember one thing: virginity loss is not a reversible condition. Not physically, not emotionally.

And yes, I do think I was too young at fifteen. In retrospect, I wish I'd waited a couple of years. I found out a little too late that not only were fifteen-year-old virgins the norm in my town in the late 1970s, but fifteen-year-old non-virgins were instant pariahs.