When You Really Don't Like Your In-Laws
83Ouch.
This can either be a huge problem, because your spouse is very, very close to his or her family and you just can't stand them, or a really huge problem because your in-laws are genuinely awful people and both of you would rather have root canal without anesthesia than sit in the same room with them for more than five minutes.
I'm going to assume, for the sake of this hub, that you've given yourself enough time to honestly get to know your in-laws, and that you've given them enough real chances to prove to you that they really aren't the jerks you originally took them for - and you still don't like them.
First of all, even if you have the only grandchildren, there's no law that says you have to like the people your husband and wife also call "family." Lucky for you. However, for the sake of your relationship with your spouse, you do at least need to be polite to them. This may be hard if they live nearby and seem to want the two of you over every weekend for some reason or other. However, there are strategies you can employ. You can try very hard to always have a "project" to help them with when you visit. Offer to clean the gutters, or mow the lawn, or weed the garden. Chances are, they'll not only leave you alone with your onerous task, because God forbid you ask them to pitch in, they'll even think better of you for your labors on their behalf.
If chores are out of the question, find a family activity to distract them. My mother visited recently, and since neither my husband Alex nor I like her very much, mostly due to her constant stream of advice and/or cutting comments, I offered to go see the movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with her. She is a Harry Potter fan, I am a Harry Potter fan. My father is not, and Alex isn't particularly either, so this was the only way either of us was going to get to see the film in the theater. Three hours of together time with my mother that prohibited talking! It doesn't get any more win-win than that!
If your spouse is really close to his or her family, and you just can't stand them, you might want to seriously consider keeping the bulk of your opinion to yourself, for the sake of your relationship. Make sure your partner knows how you feel, then drop it. If your in-laws live nearby and you can't always manage to fill the visit with chores or distracting family activities, stay nice. In fact, if your in-laws know how you feel about them - and they probably do - it will really piss them off if you're acting more civilized and more polite than they are! Plus, your spouse will love you for it. Take what they dish out during the visit, but wait to vent until you get home - or until they go home. And your venting doesn't need to be verbal. In fact, it's probably more effective if it's not. Make a loaf of bread and pretend the dough you're vigorously kneading is your brother-in-law's head. Get out the weed whacker and project your mother-in-law's face onto every weed you cut down.
Unfortunately, when you marry your husband or wife, on some level you marry their entire family - for better or for worse. This little bit of knowledge alone is what kept me from acting on my true feelings for Alex for years. The thought of being his mother's daughter-in-law was more than a little romantically prohibitive! She is a formidable, opinionated woman, born and raised in Germany during World War II, and she does not suffer idiots gracefully. But, over time I learned that the fact that I really love her son (the last of her seven children to marry), earned me a lot of esteem in her eyes.
And when I produced a daughter that is the spitting image of her Oma and then started asking my mother-in-law for parenting advice from time to time, well, let's just say that at this point I am on her list of "favored in-laws". I may not like the woman much, but I sure like being on her good side!
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My gosh, I've been going out of my mind because I was beginning to think I was strange for not liking my in-laws. My husband is totally tied to his "family" and they try to manipulate his every move. I am pulling one way and they are pulling the other. There are a lot more of them so it's a losing battle for me. Right now I am in such a deep depression and feeling like just moving on myself. Not sure if divorce is the right answer in this instance but after 22 years of marriage and putting up with this, I can't find any other solution. I really enjoyed some of your comments especially about the weedwhacker - but I'm afraid if I start thinking that way it would only make me more depressed or angrier than I am.
Izzy, my advise would be to avoid them completely...i sometimes feel like moving out too on my own, but that would only make his family happy and they will feel like they won. My father always said ignorance is the best weapon to use for arrogant people. The more you ignore them, the more they will go insane. If a situation comes up where you need to defend yourself, just go for it. Once and for all, let them know how you feel and how you see them. Then just build your wall and ignore them. Trust me you will feel better about yourself too. No need to go into depression. I learned when i stood up for my self, the more i was proud of myself. Good Luck and take it easy.
I find it interesting that the in laws are the bad peoplel who need to be ignored. Ever consider the fact that the DIL is just as much a part of the problem and a contributing factor to the demise of the relationship? I have lost count over how many times I have left my son's house enraged at the lacadazical actions of his wife. We were wonderful to be around when we were lending money and watching their kids every weekend for years but the moment we put our foot down and said no more... well, we had served our purpose and now, we are the outcast and no longer welcome. This is fine, we have a life and we stand by our decision to no longer be used. Also, no one can be manipulated unless they want to be manipulated. Those of you who complain that your inlaws are manipulating your spouses need to remember that nine times out of ten, your spouse RAN to his or her family with their problems to that very important second opinion. The opinion mind you that they could not get from you, their loving spouse. So keep in mind that the pendulum swings both ways... we would love to avoid you completely too and right now, that is exactly what we are doing! This is not a contest by the way, no one is looking to win and if there are grandchildren involved then everyone loses.
wow.. I am in the same boat. I've known my wife for 17 years and been married for 7. There have always been problems between me and her family, but the problems seemed to get worse after we were married. I simply do not get along with any of her sisters or her brother. I too feel they are very manipulative and she is constantly going over to their houses. I have had shouting matches with her sisters and when I come to thanksgiving or christmas or whatever the event is .. I always feel like the 3rd wheel, and my wife just leaves me by myself while she talks with her sisters. (When we bought a house 50 miles away they all followed). I am at the point where I am ready to walk away, but I have 2 little girls and do not want to lose them. We are going to move again .. this time about 40 miles away. I pray to god they do not follow or visit too much. If they do I'm going to get a divorce. No one should have to live like this.
I can't stand my husband's family. They are very cold and stern. They are the Classic Baptist Very Conservative and Very Oppinionated. I am more of a liberal and christian. I knew when we were dating that I did not like them but know I have to live with it and their family keeps growing with new additions and wives, ahhhhh.
I'm sure that there are many who can sing the same song as I am. It just disturbs me that my wife is trying to forge/force a family union here, but she knows how her family is. It doesn't help that her mom runs the daycare that my children attend, so 5 days out of the week, they're apart of our interactions. But my wife has a problem letting go and growing up. So much so to the point that for the first few years of our marriage, we would go over to her parents house 7 days a week. How crazy is that?! How crazy was I to agree to that foolishness. But I was trying to be supportive. It turned out to be a way of life for a while. I try my hardest not to go over to there house now. To me, they are pretentious (smile in your face/talk behind your back kind of people). They're nosey (especially the mom). They talk too much/gossip a lot. They should be of age, and mentoring, but instead, they're trying to keep up with the Jones' and trying to act like they're young. The whole family are like a pack of wolves (when they get mad at each other, they turn on each other). They always want somebody to do for them, but if you ask them to do something for you, it becomes this big ordeal. That's why I made sure that I NEVER borrowed money from them. (But they've asked to borrow money from me though -- imagine that). They say that they're a close knit family, but they don't have a clue as to what that even means. If they were so close knit, they would not talk about each other or turn on each other when they get mad. And here's the kicker, now that the holidays are approaching, everybody wants to get together and play house/family. ENOUGH WITH THE HYPOCRISY ALREADY!!! Not that I am perfect or expect them to be perfect. But how can someone imperfect, have the nerve to talk about someone else's imperfections? Hence them being pretensious. They'll talk about somebody else who's struggling in there marriage, as if they have a good marriage (they don't, they just don't talk about it...they'd rather live in denial). They'll talk about somebody who's struggling financially, as if their money is and has always been in order. They manipulate and even lie to get their way. I mean, come on!! I don't like my in-laws. I hope & pray that I never immulate any part of them if/when I become the in-law. And I wish my wife would grow up and wean herself from her mother's nipple. Heaven knows her mom won't and hasn't told her to grow up and take care of your home. Stop spending so much of your time, attention & focus over here, and go take care of your family. God knows she won't do that. She'll just keep holding on and manipulating her. And she's too blind to see. The father-in-law doesn't have the cajones to speak up and put his wife in check. Lord knows she's made many messes and he won't say 2 words. Maybe if he knew half the stuff that his wife puts out there about him and his personal business, he'd grow a pair and put her in check.I don't like my in-laws.
Ron I have the same issues the exact story just that it's my husband and my MIL and SIL are not married. Imagine that... I rather a person like me because of who I am and not because it has anything to do with their son. Genuine not being FAKE...
Here is my story: My husband is from Eastern Europe and I am from America. Point is we met, fell in love and then came the question of where the wedding would be. In America, the wedding is usually int he girls hometown. Apparantely in his country its the opposite. Bottom line, trying to be accomodating I suggested the idea of a 'destination wedding' where it would be in non ones hometown. Wedding was in Riviera Maya, Mexico. My parents live overseas as do his, and the flight for the wedding would be 8 hrs for them an a whopping 18 hrs for my parents....The only complaining I heard was from his about having to fly and not wanting too etc.
Let me continue. My husband and I agreed on a small (30 people) but classy wedding and required black-tie attire for the guests. Again, NO ONE seemed to have a problem with it, except his parents. His father and brother refused to wear a tuxedo, and his mother/aunt/sister in law showed up in clothing that was FAR from black tie, ruining the pictures where the rest of the guests were in tuxedos a floor legnth gowns. I thought it might be a cost thing so I offered to even PURCHASE (Not RENT) the tuxedos for them. They STILL refused.
So his parents flew to the USA a few days before the wedding to 'hang out' (their idea not mine) meet me and so we could all fly together to Mexico (though it would have ben far cheaper as well as more convenient for them to fly Europe-Mexico rather than scale int he US.
So we flew to MExico. The hotels were as follows-5 interconneted hotels ranging from luxury adults only (our hotel) to intermediate to economy. All the guests stayed at the intermediate hotel and could not access our hotel though we could go to theirs. Point is when we got there, we checked them in, gave them a map of the facility, that is served my trollys and outlined breakfast locations/times/etc. I communicated to my fiance tha tI did not want to be bothered as we were preparing for our wedding and subsequent honeymoon. So much for that. At 7 AM his mother started calling saying she couldn't find the breakfast room. The next day she called at the same time to insist that my husband rent a car, drive 2 hrs and go meet his 40 year old brother/aunt/sister in law/nephew at the airport, though there was a hotel bus that would pick them up and bring them. Needles to say I put my foot down.
Wedding was set in an 'Adults Only' Resort and this was clearly communicated ont he invitations, as there were no children in our party for the most part and those that had them either left them at home or hired the hotel nanny to watch them. Having said this, and KNOWING far in advance, My husbands brother showed up with his 12 year old kid. The 'adults only' policy was a hotel policy not mine, so needless to say this was a problem. They even said that he could attend the ceremony but not the party at night. When this was communicated to my in-laws (who knew about it before-hand) at the rehersal dinner, they stood up, threw down their napkins and walked out of the dinner without a word to myself, my family etc. Then, his brother/aunt/sister-in law didn't show up for the party though we had already paid for their dinner etc.
Bottom line, they made the day preceeding my wedding a nightmare. My husband and I fought non-stop because apparently in his culture he can't put his parents in their place and tell them not to call at the crack of dawn. It got so bad that when his family walke dout of the rehersal dinner and my family started asking what was going on, I took my husband aside to find out. we started fighting and it got to the point where we broke up the night before our wedding. We talked it out and reconciled and got married.
But there is another part to the story! The in-laws decided that it was a great idea to stay on for our honeymoon though everyone else left. Fortunately it was peak season so they couldn't extend their stay. Unfortunately, they changed their flight and had no hotel. So They had to spend the night on the pool chairs and bitched and moaned about it to my hsuband during the first day of our honeymoon.
Fast forward 5 months. My husband and I are very much in love, thinking of having a baby and FAR away from his family. But this in itself creates a problem. He wants to visit. While I understand that, MY parents also live extremely far away (double the distanc eof his) and I would like to see them as well. So to be flexible I suggested that we meet in Europe (3 hr flight for his parents and 6 hr flight for mine) and we could all see each other. My parents even offered to pick up the hotel/house rental tab. His family refused and said they didn't want to have to travel and we should go visit them. My husband says they are too old to travel (early 60's) though my dad is the same age. Point is, if we only have 2 weeks vacation, it should either a) be spent equally with both side or b) lets go enjoy married life, see sights travel, and the families can come see us or meet us somehwere. Funny how my family doesn't seem to have a problem with that but his does...
Anyways, suggestions? The trip thing is always going to come up, and even if I did go see them I clearly communciated tha tI would like to stay in a hotel when we go visit them rather then with his parents. It would be more comfotable that way and everyone would have their privacy..
HELP!
For the past 3 years i have been dating my soon to be wife, and for the life of me i cant stand going to their house. I try and try but as i told my commonlaw, i would rather eat a sandwich in a library, its closer to home but the same atmosphere. Her parents put in no effort to talk or be friendly other then *Come over for dinner* which involves my commonlaw to head out with her mom, me with all the kids and her dad in another room. I try to be talkative but i get short answers and grunts.
Am i in the wrong for not going this time, honestly ?
I love my husband very much but i cant stand my in laws,everything was perfect in the beginning then when i got pregnant with my 2yrs old son everything went downhill, first they want to tell me how to be a mother they are always in our business, when his mom is depress is wakes my husband up sometimes around 2am to talk and she has other children living with her and the hard part is we live next door. the thing is now she does not speak to me at all, when i say hello she does not answer it drive me crazy she totally ignores me. when my husband speaks to her about it all she said was she does not feel like talking to me.but i still try to be respectful.and first thing people will say is there are two sides to a story but what if you tried to be nice from the beginning and all they ever do is use you when they need something.
I love my husband very much but i cant stand my in laws,everything was perfect in the beginning then when i got pregnant with my 2yrs old son everything went downhill, first they want to tell me how to be a mother they are always in our business, when his mom is depress is wakes my husband up sometimes around 2am to talk and she has other children living with her and the hard part is we live next door. the thing is now she does not speak to me at all, when i say hello she does not answer it drive me crazy she totally ignores me. when my husband speaks to her about it all she said was she does not feel like talking to me.but i still try to be respectful.and first thing people will say is there are two sides to a story but what if you tried to be nice from the beginning and all they ever do is use you when they need something.
I love my husband very much but i cant stand my in laws,everything was perfect in the beginning then when i got pregnant with my 2yrs old son everything went downhill, first they want to tell me how to be a mother they are always in our business, when his mom is depress is wakes my husband up sometimes around 2am to talk and she has other children living with her and the hard part is we live next door. the thing is now she does not speak to me at all, when i say hello she does not answer it drive me crazy she totally ignores me. when my husband speaks to her about it all she said was she does not feel like talking to me.but i still try to be respectful.and first thing people will say is there are two sides to a story but what if you tried to be nice from the beginning and all they ever do is use you when they need something.
HELP!!! I cannot deal with my in laws. I lost my apt because of unemployment and my husband I and our 3 kids had to move in with them. His dad is an alcoholic, his mom is oh man.... difficult. now they are getting a divorce and we have to take his mom with us. She constantly tells me what I do wrong. How I treat her son. She should think of how she treats her husband. I cant live with them another minute. now my husband tells me we cant move and we are staying there. But I have to register our son in scool so we have to know where we will be for the school yr. My husband is not HELPFUL!!! He sides with them so much. I actually like my father in law more than my mother in law.
my mother in law disrespects me.!!!!!!!!!
Help. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and the MIL situation is at its worst. His mother is an uneducated women who thinks she and her son are better than anyone else. She has said many things that are offensive (when i got sick and had to go to the ER two times, she told my mom on the phone that my being sick is causing my husband to work a lot around the house! As if my suffering is not significant!) Also, she insulted my family. The are currently overseas, but they will be visiting us for 6 months straight. Yes, that means living with us for 6 months. Help!
Unfortunately my husband and I live only a few minutes from his parents and they pop in at our house at random times. I realize they deserve to see their grandchildren, but I can no longer handle the stress. Every time we see them they bring up things to piss me off, FIL wants to tell me how to be a parent, when I am a stay at home mom and my 16 month old daughter is very smart. Also, he wants to tell me the car seat is in wrong when I installed the type of seat the pediatrician recommended and follow their instructions. How much more precise can I be. MIL- decides to open facebook account to read my comments. Recently, I wrote a comment that said I m sick and tired of know it all's constantly running their mouth. His mom, sister, and niece all see the comment and call him to ask who I was talking about. I could seriously have been talking about anyone. Due to a rough year of finances my father gave us a place to completely renovate with his help. First off this angers his parents an they started throwing in objections, bringing issues of building code, anything and everything. I don't remember the last time we had a pleasant meal with them. They throw in their negative comments in front of the entire family. How embarassing? Now I am pregnant with 8 weeks to go and the stress is bad, my blood pressure is shooting up and causing all day headaches, about the time the headache goes away the process starts all over again. Now I am worried about the baby.
My case is the same, but I live in a middle eastern society, where religion plays a certain role and where people are still afraid of what the other might say about them. I am christian and my girlsfriend is muslim (mostly conservative people). I met her 3 years ago, and we've been in this relation although I was in Europe for my studies, and came some month ago to experiece this nightmare.
My girlfriends parents are overprotective, their daughter is 31, and still living in their house like a child, she has to take their opinion about everything, has to assure them that their son in law (me) will not get her away from them, that she will stay their daughter and that she loves them. I am pissed off because my girlfriend has been living in routine for long years because of them, I am discovering how much our life might be boring because she doesn't come up with anything new. This is how they raised her, to do nothing, but work, nothing else. On the other side, she's a very good person, very lovaBLE, very creative, an artist, she loves me, but has limits to do what I ask her to do ,I don't ask that much, just what an average girl might do in a relationship, like going to the theatre without their permission, or going for a trip without being bothered by her sister calling and asking where we are, or asking her to come home because she needs her! Imagine that she has never slept outside her house except when she went to Holland with her mother! She is always anxious about her parent's feelings and she says they are sensitive and they care about her, but at the same time she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, while I can't stand them! The mother is like a monster for me, I don't like her!!! From the first date, the girl invited me to her house,, and the mother started to talk and did not shut her mouth up until today, she speaks in a certain tone that you can't stand for more than 2 minutes. My grandmother was right when she said that they are not for me. She thinks that as if nobody raised children but her, she talks about herself in a way, where everybody's a piece of shit. She's the right one, and the tone of her voive! OH MY GOD!!!!!! She's a nightmare. This relation is a prison for me, I don't think I will continue, although my gf thinks that things will change after marriage, but I cannot believe this. She has to do something to get out of this shit!
SORRY to hear this from all of you!!!! but after you hear my histoy you guys are going to cry , let make the it short it my in laws are from eastern europe no offens to anyone here but for me are he most ingnorant and unhappy people they from a village call kosovo-albania something like that. they have try to break my married so many times but the love that my and my husbands have is keeping us alive we have 2 beautiful boys 1 and 3 years old. i been with my husband for the past 7 years 4 married and 3 dating ( i meet my in laws when i was 6 month pregnant of my first child) MIL have call me Bitch, have said that my kids are not my husbands kids just for the fact that i am spanish she have asking me that why i dont cook and speak her lenguage becasue she doesnt want my kids to speak my lenguage ,(thanks God she doesnt really know how to speak english imagine!!!if she would !!!!) and many other things that is not even worth it but anyway this is life when i take my kids over my IL house i dont even said hi o r anything else i have no respect what so ever for them i trully believe that in order for you to be respect you need to respect and this people dont know whats respect so i dont respect them they havent earn i treat them like they dont exist and many many times i have ask my self if a really want to deal with this my entire life but unfortunately i have to I JUST CAN STAND THEM
SORRY to hear this from all of you!!!! but after you hear my histoy you guys are going to cry , let make the it short it my in laws are from eastern europe no offens to anyone here but for me are he most ingnorant and unhappy people they from a village call kosovo-albania something like that. they have try to break my married so many times but the love that my and my husbands have is keeping us alive we have 2 beautiful boys 1 and 3 years old. i been with my husband for the past 7 years 4 married and 3 dating ( i meet my in laws when i was 6 month pregnant of my first child) MIL have call me Bitch, have said that my kids are not my husbands kids just for the fact that i am spanish she have asking me that why i dont cook and speak her lenguage becasue she doesnt want my kids to speak my lenguage ,(thanks God she doesnt really know how to speak english imagine!!!if she would !!!!) and many other things that is not even worth it but anyway this is life when i take my kids over my IL house i dont even said hi o r anything else i have no respect what so ever for them i trully believe that in order for you to be respect you need to respect and this people dont know whats respect so i dont respect them they havent earn i treat them like they dont exist and many many times i have ask my self if a really want to deal with this my entire life but unfortunately i have to I JUST CAN STAND THEM
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Glen says:
2 years ago
Another solution is to move. Once in-law issues had gone downhill enough, my father decided it would be better to take a new job and move -- from Boston to Atlanta. 1000 miles made things much better.