I conducted a little visual experiment to find out which side of my face is better looking. I had read something at some time about how symmetry of facial characteristics is tied to beauty. I thought I might change my profile picture to only the better side, not allowing the ugly side to bring down the handsome side. I know that this would trick everyone, but it backfired on me anyway. Read on.

When I looked at my picture, at first I noticed little things: one eye has a dark circle under it, one ear sticks out a little more, one side's hairline is more receded, one eyebrow is higher, and one jaw line is thicker. I wasn't sure which side would end up being better; they both seemed pretty messed up. According to symmetry, I am a pretty messed up dude.

By making a mirror image of my face, I was able to create perfect symmetry. Thus I had created the perfect face, right? Wrong! What I didn't catch before is that one side of my face is skinny and the other side is fat. And it isn't just some kind of photoshop trick either. If you look closely, the skinny side even has a bobble head neck and shoulders, and my fat side has a linebacker neck and shoulders. Then I got to thinking and it all makes sense. The reason my left side is so skinny is because I don't eat or work out with it much. I usually eat with my right hand and do most activities with my right hand, thus leaving my left side weak and feable. It's a wonder I don't have more back problems from the disparity. I am calling this the fat-feeble-phenomenon.

I knew that I needed to take this discovery and quickly explain it into a scientific theory. Like everything we humans fully know and understand, I knew that my theory had to support the only provable, great great great great grandfather of all scientific theories, evolutionary theory. Plus I want to get published in high-school science textbooks and couldn't think of a better way.

The best I can figure, in cave man times people had to adapt to the cruel world very quickly. In order to do so, humans had two specialized sides of their bodies for different roles. This was back when women were physically equal to men, and gender roles hadn't become established. So both men and women needed these skills at crucial times for survival, enabling them to pass on their asymmetrical genes. For example, if I needed to kill a Woolly Mammoth, I wouldn't use my computer nerd looking left side to do the job. He would just get crushed at his first attempt. If I wanted to invent the wheel so that in the future I could save a lot of money on my car insurance with Geico, I would use the left, bobble-head side.

Even though I would like to claim that I have discovered this idea of opposing sides of people, literary characters have symbolically depicted this phenomenon for centuries. Jekyll and Hide and Harvey Two-Face from Batman are a couple of the most credible and noteworthy. This is proof that writers have long known about it even before photoshop was around.

More research needs to be done in this field. I am inviting anyone to cautiously continue my efforts here to find out more in the field of what I call the fat-feeble-phenomenon.

• Longitudinal studies need to be done to establish whether these characteristics develop due to environment, or if we are just born with these traits.
• More studies should be done on women in order to find out if they in fact have the same fat-feeble characteristics as men.
• Studies should be conducted on whether the fat-feeble-phenomenon helps with multitasking, or if it causes us to be less efficient.
• An organization should be started right away to help fight the spread of fat-feeble-phenomenon and help find cures. As I am the only known case so far, you can make checks out to me.

I don't recommend self diagnosing, but since it is a newly discovered condition you may have to at your own risk. Please note, I will not be held liable for any damages, and will not pay for treatment including but not limited to plastic surgery, weight loss treatment, etc.

The real question is: If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which eye are we talking about?