NOTE: Please read the hubs titled "Whine, Women And Song" and "Whine, Women And Song Too" before reading this one. It is not a requirement but it just makes more sense that way--thanks!

In the first two "Whine, Women And Song" segments I made mention of an Oprah episode to which I was subjected. Well, it happened again. While I was busy working--writing--someone changed the channel to Oprah. I have to admit I have nothing against Oprah as a person I just still don't get why she is so popular.

It isn't a racial thing. After my divorce--worthy of an entirely separate piece--I got crazy and dated as many diffferent kinds of nonny-nonny as possible. I was like Captain Kirk. (Okay, there was no green "down-there" but every other color. There was this one black girl who worked as a peepshow stripper and a phone fanatsy booth girl . . .but I digress. . .)

The Oprah episode I was most recently subjected to was all about booty. Sure, it sounds cool but remember this is Oprah we're talking about here. The question of the day was: How Do You Hide A Big Booty?

I was immediately lost! Why would an attractive woman with a big butt want to hide it? I have to agree with the mother of my one son. EMBRACE your ample ass! If it works for Kim Kardashian why not try to make it work for YOU?

I mean if your butt is still tight and smooth and a lot less hairier than MY butt there are men out there who can handle that. Besides, when you big girls wear a thong it can be sexy. When that piece of floss is sucked between your cheeks it looks like you're naked. Unless you are one of those huge women you see in those

weird tabloids--naked is good.

Please note, ladies, we are not talking about obese women with multiple belly rolls that you see sometimes in those weird e-mails. We are not talking FAT. We are talking PHAT as the kids used to say. We are talking about women who just happen to have some junk in the trunk. . .the J-Lo thing, okay?

Here is something that confused me. Oprah said she has her blue jeans tailored. Oh please! Oprah! You're a black woman who is certainly not

unattractive, with an ample ass and lots of money! Any man--(stereotypically black especially)--would jump on that combination! Save the money you spend on tailoring your jeans and give it to my favorite charity: ME AND MINE!

After announcing that waste of money she made a proclamation: "This is a free butt country!" Really, Oprah, really?  You mean I don't even have to pay for coffee at Starbucks!?  Damn!  I know of men here in America who pay for steak and lobster dinners for their share. I don't think that constitutes

FREE. "A free butt country?" Maybe I missed something.

Then I think I overheard something about "no butt discrimination".  Again, I am confused here, ladies. "No butt discrimination"?

If we DO discriminate then you will complain that we men are judging a book by the cover. . .the back cover, at any rate. If we do not discriminate then we men are "dogs" or man-sluts. Which way do y'all want it?

Let me stop and think.

Wait. Maybe y'all just want us to discriminate in favor of just your butt. You want us to love and worship just your butt and your butt alone. . .no matter how big and fat it gets; Is that it? I am confused.

This whole episode annoyed me, too. I'm sorry "butt" if a man hosted an hour-long television show on the ASSES of a bunch of women you just know that some of you less open-minded, secure women would (note my word choice) BITCH about it. It just does not seem fair to me. Then again, I heard a long time ago that the FCC doesn't go after Oprah no matter what is said on that show. Maybe she gave them all free cars? I don't know.

I noticed they spent a significant amount of time showcasing jeans that "suck in the fat" and make butts APPEAR "smaller". I didn't see any segment on physical exercises to

actually reduce the fat in your butt or to make your butt tighter.

I hope that if Oprah ever does a show on false advertising that she remembers to include something about the jeans that make your butt APPEAR smaller. That sure seems like false advertising or fraud to me.

Personally, If a woman drops her drawers for me I am not gonna purposely measure her hiney and make any kind of fuss. Still, there are limits, ladies, and we live in a mighty litigious society these days. What would that be anyway? Flab-free fraud? Someone get Larry H. Parker or some other lawyer on the phone.

I also have a clue for one of the guests that episode: CELLULITE is one word . . . and not a very pretty one at that. You have all seen what it does to celebrity butts in the National Enquirer, ladies. Imagine how it makes your butt look when you aren't younger or rich and famous. Please be careful!

Last but not least, I heard that women pay up to $250.00 for pants to make their butts look smaller? Sure, thongs look sexier on smaller butts but I have a radical suggestion here, ladies. If you took that 250 bucks out of your Ben & Jerrys and Potato Chip budget you could more easily afford those expensive pants. In fact, if you cut down on the snacks to begin with you wouldn't need those pants at all.

I think it's kind of sexy to see a woman cooking my meals and washing my dishes in just her panties!

Sometimes i just don't get it. . .especially after my lady readsthiskind of hub!

My name is Phoenix and . . that's the bottom line.