Whose Body Is This?

When I went to bed last night I was 32. When I awoke I was 55. What the hell happened?

I want the mind, body, and energy of that 32 year old person I remember back. You know the one. The one that thinks they will never grow old and the one that says “that will never happen to me”. Guess what? IT DOES!

Now granted for some this process is more graceful than for others. I think I have fallen into the “others” category. The one where everything heads south but you’re still living in the north. Even my eye lids have gone south into retirement.

I remember reading a greeting card years ago that said you know your old when you reach down to tie your shoes and look around to see what else you can do while you’re down there. I laughed so hard that I almost wet my pants. Well, I’M NOT LAUGHING NOW! It’s true. As I’m putting food down for my cat Abbey, I look around the kitchen floor to see if my husband has spilled any coffee that I can wipe up while I’m down there. Ya know what I mean????

Another very annoying thing that has happened is lip hair. What is the meaning of that? I don’t get this joke at all. Why is it that the older you get as a woman the more unnecessary hair you start to develop? I have nose hair’s I have to pluck. I thought only men developed this! I have three hairs that I have to pluck regularly at the corner of my mouth. Why? I have a friend that is 10 year’s older than I am and she said that when she was 54 her leg hair had stopped growing so fast and when she was 55 she didn’t have to shave her legs anymore. H-e-l-l-o! That is something that has not changed! This is one of the wonders of old age that I am actually looking forward to. It can come tomorrow and I won’t be the least upset.

Now let’s talk about the feet. I personally think feet in general are probably the most unattractive part of the human body. As women we have the luxury of pedicures to make our feet look more attractive. I guess men can do that as well, but I don’t know any that do. I use to look forward to my monthly pedicure. How refreshing it was to have your feet pampered. Now I am embarrassed to go. Oh my God! How on earth did they get so dry and scaly?? I use lotion every day, I shower every day, and in between pedicures, I am good to my feet. Why have they deserted me? I now have to use an industrial strength sander. I have thrown away the toe nail clippers for a pair of pruning shears.

Belly fat. That is a book in itself. I am not an obese person, but why the weight gain and the majority of it on my belly? I always weighed the same until I turned 48. I am 5’4” and weighed around 120-130 all my life. I didn’t change my eating habits. Why did I slowly start gaining weight? I have been told that menopause doesn’t cause weight gain. Bull Pucky! That’s all I have to say on that matter.

Now for HOT FLASHES, or as I like to refer to them, TROPICAL MOMENTS. Why? I certainly don’t understand the purpose for tropical moments. When you over heat and are sweating to death what possible health benefit occurs. Your not losing any of that weight you gained, you don’t have any more energy when it’s over, and you certainly don’t look any younger. Ladies, when I see you fanning yourselves and it’s 20 below please know, I FEEL YOUR SWEAT!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I have a wonderful husband whom I adore and who knows when I need him to agree with everything I am saying and doing. He does this because it’s usually only a momentary thing and he loves me anyway. I have the greatest daughter in the world, even though I have no grandchildren yet. I just had the need to get this off my shoulder, actually out of my body. So I will end here. But during the next TROPICAL MOMENT who knows what I will have to rant about.

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