Whose Fault Is My Life Anyway?
66
Thoughts on Destiny, Predetermination, Spirituality and Other Stuff That Makes My Head Ache
I believe that we are in charge of determining our own destiny. I believe that we signed up for the job, agreed to the terms, got our ticket and here we are. What we choose to do with our life is up to us.
Some people believe in predetermination, the theory that our destinies are planned out for us and no matter what we do, we cannot change it. I prefer to believe that I have choices. I also prefer to believe that there is a very big difference between religion and spirituality. Religion, to me says that you sign on the dotted line and agree to do what we say. Spirituality says, "I know what is right." I don't need an establishment to tell me what to believe in. I know right from wrong in my heart, something I'm not sure all religions understand.
In choosing to take control of my own spirituality, I choose to be responsible for my own soul. I'm responsible for what I say and do to other people. I'm responsible for the way I react to situations. I'm responsible when I really screw up. I am responsible for me. I take that responsibility very seriously. It's not about guilt or about telling other people how to live their lives; it is solely about me, the one thing over which I have absolute control.
When someone asks me, "can you change your own destiny?" I have to respond that I was in charge of my own destiny to begin with; of course I can change it. It's all part of the bigger plan. The other people in your life have their own choices and their own destiny to live out. We have no control over their choices. We do have control over how we react to their choices and over what we choose to do with those choices.
Sometimes I'm not happy with what life dishes out. But when I think of it as an obstacle that I planned for myself, a little something to make me learn a new lesson, it seems that the challenge is there for me to deal with for a reason, opposed to, "what are you doing to me, I believe it's all about "what can I learn from this?" Life is a sequence of challenges. Some days I think I have the perfect life. Some days I don't want to get out of bed at all. Sometimes the lessons are pretty hard to take.
My life has been pretty easy. Up until March of this year, I thought that the path that I chose for myself worked out to be an easy assignment. Then, on March first of this year, my thirty-year-old daughter died. She was beautiful, bright, funny, and the mother of a five-year-old son.
Suddenly my world was upside down and half of my family had been torn away from me.
The relationship between a mother and child is always special. The relationship between a mother and a daughter is unique. She is the she-soul with whom a mother shares the very essence of being a woman. She was the child that I brought up to be different than me, as well. This, in hope that she would show me things I never experienced. That she would fly higher, go farther. Above all, that she could find happiness. When she died, I was stunned. I was unprepared for my child to leave here before me.
If I gave myself this challenge before I came here, then I'd like to go back and kick my own ass. But what if it was her choice that she needed to come here and complete her tasks in only thirty short years? Who am I to question that? I only have control of what I do. I try to be the best parent I can be. My family means the world to me. The loss of my little blond angel hurts to the center of my core. But in the end, I couldn't control her destiny. I only have control over what I choose to do with her loss.
In this way, I control my own destiny. I choose to go on. I choose to make people aware of the circumstances that caused my daughter's death. I choose to be here, for as long as I can, for her child, for my other grandchildren and the others that I love. I choose to live in the moment. I choose to enjoy this moment, to savor it, to be aware that it is special. I choose not to let ignorance and grief destroy me. I have so much more to do here, and it is miles before I sleep.
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Comments
'The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.'
I think that Robert Frost poem is just about my favourite, and it's a fitting end to your hub. I completely identify with what you say here. Whilst I was brought up in the Christian faith, and I believe that there is a power for good in the universe, I cannot follow a book of rules which tells me how to live my life, or worse, follow someone else's interpretation of those rules. As far as my conscience and good sense allow, I have to do what's right for myeslf and those around me.
I admire your courage in writing about the loss of your daughter. I too believe we make choices before coming in to this world, and maybe this was indeed her chosen path. We can only go forward and trust that there is a plan, and that time and understanding will reveal all to us in time.
Pam,
Thank you being so open about your own life. There is such sadness that accompanies stories, such as yours, of children who have to endure violent situations when that part of their life should be a magical time. It is a tribute to your character that you found the strength to move through the pain to become who you are today.
If we don't have challenges in our life, we don't learn anything. But sometimes those lessons are hard to take and we wonder "what was I thinking if I signed up for this?"
Writing has been a means of survival for me. Somehow when I put things on paper, it is a way to "get it out" so that I can deal with it. Now, of course, I'm on a mission to try to reach out to others who have been through this. Again, I find this therapeutic as I take the focus off of me and onto others.
I thought this hub was sort of "all over the place" and I wasn't sure that many people would get it. I'm glad that both of you did!
Amanda, Hi. I have a really blessed life in so many ways. I have a wonderful family, three amazing grandchildren, my son & his wife and my husband who all count on me to be here with them. So, I do "have promises to keep," and for that, I am SO grateful.
I do feel very much a Christian. I believe that Jesus was the most amazing man who ever walked here, sent to teach us lessons we couldn't have learned without his wisdom and courage. I believe in a kind and loving God who created us, and our world in his image and gave us free will.
What I don't buy into is the concept that God gave us free will and then could send us to hell for eating meat on Friday! How goofy is that ? I think that if we ever could find an original copy of the bible before it was tainted by men, we would be quite surprised in how alike we are to many other religions.
During the Ecumenical Councils, (SP?) much of the bible was changed, pieces removed and rewritten. It is widely believed that the concept of reincarnation, for example, was taken out of the Bible completely...well, almost. They missed a couple of passages. There is so much evidence that we come here to better our soul, and we, and our "guides" who advise us, help us choose what it is we will work through each lifetime.
And No, I don't believe we come back as a rat or a cockroach if we screw up in this life. And who goes to hell? I don't see "hell" as a place where we burn, but as a dark place for those who have rejected God and who do not want to live in his love and light.
What I believe is not so far from what you see as the Christian philosophy. I accept Jesus and God and life everlasting. I think world religions are fascinating and in many cases, not so different from one another.
Sorry, I didn't mean to get off on a wild tangent!
Thank you both for your supportive words.
MP
My deepest respect and condolences, Madison. This is a very personal and beautifully written hub. I wish you the strength and wisdom to deal with this terrible loss. http://hubpages.com/hub/A-few-words-on-Karma (Not for promotion, but reading your hub I feel that you might relate to that line of thought).
Ananta65,
I never realized how many people out there are so wonderful and supportive. I love it when people put links on my hubs; I see it as a way to further the conversation on whatever we are writing about. Thank you for your comments. It means a lot to me that someone is reading and thinking about this!
MP
I look forward to reading your work.
Likewise, Madison. I admire the courage you put in this hub and the courage you show in dealing with this.
To a certain extent we can control our destiny actively. I say this because based on our karma (past/present) our destiny evolves.
I had a close friend whose husband died in a bomb blast and she was such a nice person. But then she got a job and is now trying to focus her energies in a positive way. We can only control our lives to a certain extent beyond which our personal circumstances like personal loss leading to depression or others around us (bomb blasts/other terrorist activities, and also natural disasters like hurricanes\earthquakes we can't do anything.
You are so right, country, we only have absolute control over me and how I react; what others do, especially like your friend, we cannot control. Sometimes their actions affect us as your friend's husband who was an innocent bystander. Her story is so very sad and beyond her control, but she is showing such strength in moving on and taking control of her own life.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Madison
My friend she is only 25 with a two year old son and I encouraged her to be open to another relationship. But again in India it's difficult to get a good guy who would accept a widow with a two year old son. On top of it their marriage was a love marriage with little parental support from either sides that makes things all the more difficult. I feel the pain for her but can't do anything for her.
When I discussed this with another friend of mine she says it's her karma but then she isn't the one who is suffering. I know my friend who never even in words ever used to hurt anyone. I just hope and pray she finds a good person to get married again. Life is really unpredictable (I used to hear terrorist bomb attacks in India but it was always some where else to somebody else but never up close to anyone I knew) I don't know I feel this isn't fair maybe I am boring you with my sob story I will stop. Thanks for writing this article.
Country,
You are not boring me at all. I have felt so sad for your friend since you told me how her husband died. It's horrible, and I suppose, correct me please if I'm wrong, the bombing is either religious rooted or politically rooted?
I've never thought of India as having religious conflict problems. I always thought that the lovely, Hindu Religion was predominiant there? I know that moving up socially is important there, but it is important everywhere; here, however, we tend, as parents, to accept our childrens' choices and try to support them. I'm talking middle class, now, not sure about the very upper class because, unless the parents are quite liberal, a child who picks a mate below them could find themselves ostrasized (sp) by the family.
There was a time here in the US, when, if you were Italian, your grandparents would never forgive you if you didn't marry an Italian man! (Italian-American man.) My husband told me that his Grandmother would have had a fit if she had known me because I AM Italian and was brought up Catholic; in her White, Anglo-Saxon Prodestant world, Italians and Catholics were unacceptible. She would really have a fit now if she knew that my husband's sister married a black man, (whom we all love,) and they have 3 beautiful 30-plus year old daughters together,) My Son married a beautiful Nicaraguan-Italian girl, and we all love her completely, Hell, we even have a red-head in our family!
I digress, but I assume that your friend's parents didn't like that their daughter chose outside of her class or outside of her religion or both? I hate to say it, but in old-world cultures, if you are a brave woman and you choose to marry against your parents' wishes, your path will be difficult, baring a miracle!
It is, however, 2008, and India is in the process of developing a middle-class; PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong, you know best what is happening in your own country. By choosing to work and make a career for herself, she will pull herself up. Also, if her family has pushed her away, what about a move to another country? I know there are many lovely Indian people in Hong Kong, for example, one of my favorite cities but VERY expensive to live in.
I will say a prayer for your friend. She sounds like a strong woman and I hope she pulls through this awful time. Keep me informed on how she is doing.
Madison
Country,
You are not boring me at all. I have felt so sad for your friend since you told me how her husband died. It's horrible, and I suppose, correct me please if I'm wrong, the bombing is either religious rooted or politically rooted?
I've never thought of India as having religious conflict problems. I always thought that the lovely, Hindu Religion was predominiant there? I know that moving up socially is important there, but it is important everywhere; here, however, we tend, as parents, to accept our childrens' choices and try to support them. I'm talking middle class, now, not sure about the very upper class because, unless the parents are quite liberal, a child who picks a mate below them could find themselves ostrasized (sp) by the family.
There was a time here in the US, when, if you were Italian, your grandparents would never forgive you if you didn't marry an Italian man! (Italian-American man.) My husband told me that his Grandmother would have had a fit if she had known me because I AM Italian and was brought up Catholic; in her White, Anglo-Saxon Prodestant world, Italians and Catholics were unacceptible. She would really have a fit now if she knew that my husband's sister married a black man, (whom we all love,) and they have 3 beautiful 30-plus year old daughters together,) My Son married a beautiful Nicaraguan-Italian girl, and we all love her completely, Hell, we even have a red-head in our family!
I digress, but I assume that your friend's parents didn't like that their daughter chose outside of her class or outside of her religion or both? I hate to say it, but in old-world cultures, if you are a brave woman and you choose to marry against your parents' wishes, your path will be difficult, baring a miracle!
It is, however, 2008, and India is in the process of developing a middle-class; PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong, you know best what is happening in your own country. By choosing to work and make a career for herself, she will pull herself up. Also, if her family has pushed her away, what about a move to another country? I know there are many lovely Indian people in Hong Kong, for example, one of my favorite cities but VERY expensive to live in.
I will say a prayer for your friend. She sounds like a strong woman and I hope she pulls through this awful time. Keep me informed on how she is doing.
Madison
Madison,
India is a secular country and most of these terrorist acts are committed by terrorists based out of pakistan. Those bombs were set by a Islamic militant organization. India is plagued by them since last two decades. I don't know what rewards those militants expect in their after life when they kill innocent people.
Anyway coming to my friend she married someone who was below her family in "status" and wealth. Her deceased husband(who was her classmate in college) just has a old mother who herself doesn't keep good health. She is too independant to go and ask for help from anyone. She has stopped meeting her classmates or associating with friends. I met her this year in Feb and she was totally devoid of emotions. Although she is educated with a graduate degree but she never worked earlier. At 25 its not fair to lead the whole life solitarily. I hope a good man would like them and make them happy again. Her son hardly remembers his dad.
In India its very difficult for widows to get married again esp if one has a kid. The society is changing but still the rules for men are different then for women. For guys who have lost their wife they still manage to get married again but for a woman it's not so easy. Thanks for your prayers and hope this madness (of commiting terrorist acts) ends soon. Many innocent people have lost their lives just as in 911.
CW,
I thought that what you said was what happened with her marriage; parents are not a lot different here, at least most. We all have hopes for our daughters but I always supported my daughter in her own choices.
I wondered if the bombings there came from outside of India's borders. The Islamic militants are not making themselves loved the world over. It doesn't seem fair that they cross in and out of India and across your border to commit mass murder. As far as "their reward in heaven," I doubt the Islamic holy book, The Kohran, (sorry about the spelling) tells them that murder of innocent people is OK in the name of Allah. They get this stuff from fringe groups who use brainwashing and rhetoric in order to exploit poor men from the countryside who have little hope of any future and who are easy to pursuade with comradery and a decent meal.
I think Mao did much the same thing. History does repeat itself.
Keep in touch. I'm interested to hear more.
Madison
Madison,
Sorry for taking the liberty to post this message. Since I know you are a kind hearted soul I request you to please pray for michael. Once again apologize for this unsolicited message.
http://hubpages.com/hub/To-all-the-Hubbers-and-Fri
Thanks,
CW
Countrywomen,
Not ever a problem for you to post a message. I will pray for him; such a waste of a young life. I hope your friend is doing OK?
Madison
Madison, I am so very glad that I came upon your hub. I have much of the same beliefs as you do, that we choose our own path in life. I believe in God, I don't however believe in religion. I also think the bible has been changed throughout time and is probably nowhere near what it used to be. I believe that hell is the hell that we make for ourselves, by that I mean how we treat people and even animals. When we cause pain to peope and animals we will feel the pain that we caused them, and that is the hell that we create. This is also the way I believe heaven to be, the good that we cause in our own life and to that of others is the joy of heaven.
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can never imagine the pain you are feeling, nor would I ever want to. The tought of it makes me cry. I have lost many peole in my life that I loved very dearly but never a child, and those losses were very hard. I don't know what else to say except for sorry.
Gwendymom,
Thank you for your thoughts and I just want to say that I write about it for 2 reasons; I hope to get other people to open up and talk about loss because it helps, and writing about losing her is good therapy for me.
I do have so many of those same beliefs. I think that we have eternal life and that God gave us life and we are here, and in heaven, to try to perfect our soul.
I wish humans would quit messing with the "word of God!" Somewhere, probably in the Vatican archives, is the REAL Bible. I would give my eye teeth to see it! I'm fascinated with Bible history and the history of the world's religions.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I love hearing from you and from everyone.
Madison, what a compelling essay. I believe I am of your mind when you say, *When someone asks me, "can you change your own destiny?" I have to respond that I was in charge of my own destiny to begin with; of course I can change it. It's all part of the bigger plan.* For me, the "bigger" plan represents what I can't change. This is not to say that I can somehow escape from or be immune to the bigger plan, only that the bigger plan really is big, and I would be arrogant and without a shred of humility if I thought I could control it or avoid it.
I admire you for putting your feelings into words and sharing. You said that it helps you cope with the pain, and I see it as a generous act as well. If only one person finds your words and gains strength from them, then that is a gift in the most karmic way.
I am glad that you are back, and I am looking forward to getting to know you.
Best regards,
Sally
Sally,
Looking forward to getting to know you, too! Thank you for your words. It still amazes me that we have this outlet to speak about things we care about or just things on our mind and that people actually READ the articles and comment with intelligent in put! How cool is that?!!
Thank you again,
Madison
You are an amazing person! I cannot know how it feels to lose a child, only that there is a hole in my heart reading of your loss. I agree that we make our destiny through how we choose to live. We can only control our own and not another's. Hugs to you!
Hi, Kari
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond; I've been spending more time on a grief page that I started not long ago. (My real name is Shay)
Spending time listening to other parents of loss and relating to them has been really healing for me. It's been over two years for me; at first, the loss was overwhelming, with time I realize that everyone' s journey is different, and as you say, we can only control own own destiny. Thank you for your kind words. Sorrry again for responding so late!
I came across your hub by accident following a link from another page, what you have shared concerning your daughter has affected me deeply, I am lost for words. Thank you for sharing and I am glad that you have decided to make your life a positive force that touches many others. I read and became a fan
Maggs,
During the year after Jodi died, I wrote and wrote and wrote. I think it helped save my sanity and helped me to make sense of it all. I do spend a lot of time now on my grief page in support of others who have lost children, although, all are welcome there. We support each other and look out for each other and, when someone has been missing for a bit, we go after them to be sure they are okay. By go after, I mean, ask their closest friends on the site if they have heard from the missing person. Also, if someone leaves a note that conveys pain or depression, we try very hard to gather 'round them and support them through it. It has been very rewarding for me. Thank you for your kind words.
Here is the link in case you would like to drop by!
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pgrundy says:
15 months ago
Thank you for writing this excellent hub. I have not suffered the kind of loss you have, and I respect your courage and candor in facing your pain and sharing it so openly with others. That is very brave and strong, and you do a great service this way.
My challenges have been different and of earlier onset. Between the ages of 10 and about 30 my life was incredibly violent and painful, due to circumstances I was born into. it took me literally decades to extract myself from a painful mess that went back generations. The way I got through this was by relying on the spiritual certainty that I had volunteered for this kind of suffering in advance, which I know to many people sounds nuts. But it is essentially the same argument you are making here, and it feels right to me, it resonates with my own life and experience.
In Hindu mythology we are all God, and God has many masks. This life is God dreaming, so all parts of it--you, me, George Bush--we are all parts of God's dream. So there's that precedent in religious lore. And strangely, this is echoed in Christianity in St. Pauls Epistle to the Phillipians which states:
"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who being in the form of God, did not think identity with God a thing to be clung to, but humbled himself and made himself of no reputation, and was found in fashion as a man and became obedient to death, even the death of the cross."
Identity it seems to me is fluid, like a suit of clothes God puts on and off, and in sending Jesus to die in that life God tried to show that it was alright, everything was alright. Of course, since then those ideas have gotten rather boogered up by fanatics, but that's how I understand the true meaning.
I think of it like this: Some lives are about suffering because God wants to heal suffering, and what better way than to experience it firsthand and be there for others. Whether it's true or not that we volunteer for our own suffering actually doesn't matter---If we adopt that view and grow in compassion and courage as a result we all benefit anyway. That's the beauty of it.
Great hub Madison. Thank you.