How to Understand an Unfaithful Relationship
84An Unfaithful Spouse
"An Unfaithful Spouse" is not gender oriented because the situation can affect both husbands and wives. No one is immune to being in a relationship where either the husband or wife is unfaithful. What does it mean to be unfaithful? Unfaithful is when you trust someone to be there just for you and for all times and then you find that the person is sharing the marriage bed with someone else. Being unfaithful is a matter of trust.
When such a hurtful event occur, the wife or the husband blames themselves never thinking that the fault could be in the character of the betrayer all the long. Temptation is difficult to master and will power is nonexistent in the real world. When a person goes on a weight loss program, the nutritionist always tells them that will power does not exist. The nutritionist will tell the person trying to lose weight not to bring item of temptation around them at all. It is best not to have the food around and then give into temptation.
In the case of being tempted by a man or a woman, the logistics is much more complicated. You can not encase yourself in an office cubicle and not venture out because of the handsome co-worker who you know is interested in you. You will have to be strong enough in your relationship with your spouse to ward off any advances no matter how difficult it is.
The amazing thing about temptation is that temptation can not exist if you reduce it to an unneeded desire. If the desire is unneeded then it would be easy to say no to temptation. This formula of warding off temptation does not always work, however. You can be the most giving person in a relationship and still your spouse may be unfaithful. You probably did not realize that you were lacking a desirable trait and that missing desirable trait may not be the reason for the unfaithfulness.
Sometimes the character of the person mandates that he or she should have what ever they desire and they may think as long as the other person is kept unknowledgeable. A person of a stronger character would realize that if he or she is unfaithful, then the act of unfaithfulness is not toward the other person but to themselves. If a person pride themselves on being in a relationship that is loving and trusting, then why would they bring anybody else in the equation. Why would there be a reason to wander if everything that makes he or she happy is always at home waiting for them.
The answer for why is a spouse unfaithful is the fact that the character of the person is the driver. Character is difficult to describe and it is a personality trait that is instilled through life experiences of trust and knowledge of self worth. A person that is worthy to be in a relationship with you should be worthy of your trust. Trust is not earned by keeping the house immaculate or even paying the bills on time. Trust is earned by the showing of love irregardless of the temptations or of the circumstances.
You may be married to an untrustful person and do not know it yet because the moment of temptation has not presented itself. You may be married to someone who you think can be trusted and who may have already been unfaithful to you. Each individual is different and each relationship is different. The best advice in a situation where you are unsure of whether your spouse would be unfaithful if temptation presents itself is to believe in your self worth. If you believe that you are being the best person that you can be in the relationship, then you have made the first step in being able to handle an unfaithful spouse.
If it is discovered that your husband or wife has been unfaithful, do not fault yourself, especially if you have been doing your part to hold the relationship together. You must borrow the armour of the many military wives that see their husbands off to war or deployment overseas. These military wives are self assured with the knowledge that as long as they take care of home, everything will be just fine. Sometimes these men receive Dear John letters from wives who have been unfaithful to them but seldom do the military men bring home other women to his military wife.
An unfaithful spouse in wartime and in peace time has the common denominator and knowledge of having selected a good man or woman of character who can ward off temptation if it tries to destroy a relationship or a marriage. Being unfaithful is just another word for being a liar and you should know whether or not you married a liar. Only you know if you have married a man or a woman of a good and strong character who holds you in such high regards to say no if the opportunity presents itself to be an unfaithful spouse.
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Comments
Frogyfish, thank you for your comment. Character can be good or bad in a relationship. If the character is bad, that person may cheat in the relationship.
Hi Linda,
You are right in what you have said this is a great post, we can all learn from each other as we write posts with meaning, And if we take on Christs Character then we will want to follow what He tells us to do.
Also we must put on the whole Armour of God as it tells us in Ephessians. chapter 6.10--18.
I have found in my life since I was taught at Sunday School, putting on my Armour as I get dressed every morning, I litterally speak each part out as I get dressed, its helped me in my whole life it was 9 years old when learnt it i'm now 65, and been happily Married, and Serving the Lord along side my beautiful wife for 35 years on January, 3rd next year.So it can be done. Thank you Linda
The_Good_Newq, Thank you for your comment.
Congratulations on your marriage of 35 years. I hope that you and your wife are blessed with plenty more years of happily being married. Your attitude is optimal to keeping a relationship by putting on your armour each morning. Your consistency in how you tackle life's problems has a lot to do with the longevity of your marriage.
Your wife should be alright in getting along with a person who abides by the armour each and every morning since a very young age. God Bless You both.
If temptation is strong enough for you to act on then you aren't with the right person. I think it's as simple as that.
I've been trying to figure out the relationship thing recently, as I've only just got over my sleeping with anything that moves phase about a year ago.
With my first relationship, my friends all told me that the temptation is normal etc etc. Then I decided the temptation was too strong and broke it off. The girl I am seeing at the moment, there is practically ZERO temptation, or at least none that is worth acting on. This is what has led me to believe that high temptation means you're with the wrong person.
jimmyred, thank you for your comment. I totally agree with you that the temptation presence means that you are with the wrong person.
jimmyred, thank you for your comment. I totally agree with you that the temptation presence means that you are with the wrong person.
I never looked at temptation like that but sadly I have to agree. In my case I also have to believe that God did not make a mistake by putting my husband and I together. He cheats on me constantly and I am praying and having faith that God will turn him around. You all are great.
Nina Precious, be precious in the eyes of God and build up your self esteem. The good book tells us that nothing will be put upon us that we cannot bear, but it also tells you that you have a God-given right to be happy. Your comment is much appreciated but I would recommend counseling to help get you through the unfaithfulness of your husband.
Hi there
Some are vulnerable and some are strong, resisting the Devil is always at the door.If the marriage is based on Godliness then even if the one partner cheats, there should still be forgiveness from both sides. God will never hold either to their infidelity because he forgives, and so he requires the couples to be open and loving in all areas never holding back.
Rather learn from a mistake and improve than make it worse and deteriorate.
Hoowantstono, thank you for your comment and from a Christian point of view. Your recourse is to repair the broken unfaithful relationship with forgiveness. Your comment is much appreciated.
After 6 days of marriage, I found out that my husband had been sleeping with his ex-wife of and on while we were dating. I had asked him repeatedly if he was still involved with her (prior to us getting married) and he said that it had been years since they had any type of physical relationship. She did call on numerous occassions while we were dating and I asked him why. His reply was, that she drank a lot and would call when she was drunk or had a problem. I never had any reason not to believe him. I occassionally spoke with my ex and there was definatly nothing ever going to happen with that. Like I said, on the 6th day of our marriage, she called early in the morning and he repeatedly hung up on her. I then said, let me answer it and talk to her. He refused and continued to answer and tell her to stop calling. I got very upset and insisted on talking to her. Ofcourse he said, she is a liar and don't believe anything she says. After talking to her and hearing her side of the story, he started telling me that he was so sorry. I later went through his cell phone records and found that he talked to her a good bit while dating me. I was in shock! Why he hell would he marry me, I thought. Well, we got through that and I still bare the deep scares from that. Now I have found that he has been getting on porn sights on my computer.I am sure it has been the entire time he has been with me. I found it because he forgot to empty the recycle bin and erase the history on my computer. In my eyes, I feel like he has cheated on me AGAIN! WTF! If this man was not satisfied by me and needs to look at other naked women, why is he with me? The first time I found this kind of sight on the computer, he claimed it was his 15 year old son going to those sights. I told him how strongly I felt about that and that in my eyes, that it cheating (if it was infact him). That was after I moved in with him (prior to marriage). I have also told him how I could not handle lies in a relationship. That was something I handle worse then most people. I really don't know what to do at this point. Do I just wait for the next lie, then leave for good? Or do I give him on more chance? All I know is I am living with a man whom I have no (or very little) respect. I do not believe him nor do I feel anywhere near secure in this marriage. I can't seem to get past this. Sexually, I have to think of other men, to try to get aroused. The thought of him just makes me not want not has sex at all. My life seems so out of control. I am trying to be a "good wife" but it is so damn hard! Somebody give me some advice please. I don't want to feel like this forever. I think I dererve better.
mdigi, thank you for your comment.
The length and depth of your response seem as though you both need to seek professional counseling. Your revelation of the calls to his ex was a sign that his intentions was not to be faithful and true. It seems also that he is playing with your emotions, first to continue seeing his ex and then to watch porn that he is probably sure that you do not approve of.
You have strong feelings about him viewing porn but that is not as difficult to accept as him still seeing his ex while in a relationship with you. If he was aware of your strong feelings against porn, then he should have abstained and he should not have lied to you and placed the blame on someone else.
The fact that you have to think of other men while engaging in sex indicates that there are mixed feeling towards him from you but to keep the relationship together, you consent. Many men would say that imagining other men while having sex is a form of not being faithful even though the thoughts while engaged in the sexual act was only imaginary.
As you have been married before, it is in your best interest to see a professional marriage counselor. There must be some reason that you did not bolt and have the marriage annulled on the seventh day of your marriage.
If your husband was to read your post, he may not appreciate your admission of thinking of other men while having sex. Since you did not annul the marriage, maybe you want to save it and just maybe you are in love with this guy to keep taking his mischief.
Only a professional marriage counselor can help you with this matter. However, cheating and telling untruths is not a good basis for a marriage. This is an important decision for you and this is only my opinion from my life's experiences.
You may use the information but do not treat it as gospel. The two of you should see a marriage counselor and right away.
In your honest opinion, do you think our relationship is even worth trying to save? Or do you think he will never stop lying?
mdigi, I think that honestly the two of you need to talk to a professional marriage counselor.
Relationships can be strange and one partner may like playing the role of catching the other one in a lie and then compensate in the relationship in other areas, especially sexually.
I am not, by the way, partnering in the conversation of saying that your husband is lying as only one side of the story is being told here.
The problem is not just about him lying. Because of your inaction with the untrust being an impetus to leave, it has more or less become a conversational piece.
I will say this, mdigi, if this behavior on the part of both of you continues on in this early part of the marriage, unless this is one of those strange relationship, one of you will eventually take action and leave.
To mend the relationship in its early stages, the both of you need to have an honest talk with a marriage counselor.
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frogyfish says:
3 months ago
Yes, character is what you are, WHEN NO ONE WILL FIND OUT!