Why I Am So Warped Part III

We covered birth, near death, and the need for some law and order.

From the age of 2 I have worn what I want to wear in regards to clothing. I was warped by the selection of clothing but you must remember that the 1970's were an entirely embarrassing time for fashion. Among the many different looks that I had to choose from I had my collection of favorites. I wore anything so long as it was green for a number of years. I had a strange belief that red rubber boots matched everything even my underwear. I had the most awesome Captain Kangaroo sport coat it was red and had some very cool buttons. My favorite outfit of all time is any plastic suit resembling a comic book character. The halloween costume was my favorite. I am Batman. The best part of these costumes was the mask that resembled nothing of the comic book hero. The functionality of these masks were designed I would imagine by someone who did not have children. You could barely see through the eye holes and to hell with peripheral vision. The mouth slit was barely enough to breath through and you had to take off the mask to eat the candy so you had to do a lot of collecting before you could even think about having a wonderful snack. The thin piece of elastic that was stapled with the worlds most unreliable staples was most certain to lash across the ears if you weren't very careful with the mask. The lack of ventilation inside the mask along with the fear of removing the mask and the cool autumn air resulted in one huge pool of snot within the mask at the end of the evening. I remember the greatest disappointment was the year that we left the plastic costumes behind and moved on to our very low budget home made costumes. The end of the innocence so to speak.

There was never a year in my youth that we weren't forced to visit The St.Louis Zoo. We lived in close proximity, it was free, and Mom hated us that I believe was the formula for our "favorite" activities. I am a true believer that young children and parents enjoy the zoo. 15 year old boys should not be subject to such fun. Every year it was the same thing. We would pile into whatever vehicle we had at the time and take the short trip across the Mississippi River bypassing the Gateway Arch and head to the zoo. When we arrived we would spring from the car and make a dash toward the front gate with Mom and Dad yelling all the way for us to slow down or stop. The fun at the zoo wasn't to look at all the animals in amazement it was to see how fast you could seperate yourself from the group and see how long it took for them to find you. After many visits to the zoo I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to see and all the rest could be damned. My Mother however liked to take her time and explore the things that she may not have had the chance to see the last time we were there. I had to make certain at all times that my family was at least somewhere nearby so that I did not miss out on annoying my parents for a ride on that wonderful little train. The train traveled around the perimeter of the zoo so you could see parking lots and hear about what you were missing just on the other side of the wooded area you were looking at. I loved the train though there was nothing like riding it. Among the many souveniers that we bought everytime we went my favorite had to be the little plastic figures of the animals. It was almost as if I were taking one of the marvelous beasts home with me in my pocket so that I could perform my own little experiments on them. The exposure to heat was the devastating weakness for these animals. I had this strange obsession with making sure that I did the test everytime I acquired a new species. One of the most incredible sections of the zoo and still is to this day is The Children's Zoo. This is were you could get molested by goats and have involuntary bowel movements when the keeper of the snakes came by with her trusty boa. There were slides and other things of wonder there as well. The drinking fountain that looked like you were putting your head in a lions mouth is almost sure to make what goes in come out quickly. I must go back to the slide for a moment because I would most assuredly not want to leave you with the impression that it was fun. Among many other losses of skin and third degree burns one could attain at the zoo the slide was the most certain of all. One trip down was about all it took. The trip though generally self propelled was rather treacherous. I would start by kicking my feet to make my descent and almost always end that way. The whole way down sticking to the blazing hot metal surface and listening to the screech of my skin being pulled from my body was a thrill. It is funny how that was entertaining to me then, but does not appeal to me in any way now. I am almost certain at these times that my parents were enjoying themselves as I was handing out my own punishments rather than them having to discipline me.

The ultimate vacation destination for the family was my great grandmother's house which was a three hour drive through fields of corn. We would make the journey there several times a year. If you get the chance visit Pittsfield, Illinois on a map and then try to find something for your children to do outside of farming. My great-grandmother was a remarkable woman. She always had the best sugar cookies on the face of the earth when we would visit. She rented out rooms in her house to some of the strangest characters you would ever want to meet. It was not uncommon for them to appear at odd times of the day. There was only one bathroom which was shared among all. I usually forgot to unlock doors when I went in resulting in frequent knocks to gain access. There was a man named Maynard that was a constant tenant at the house. He was a rather obese man with only one tooth in his head which he seemed to suck on all the time. He would sit in the yard in an old metal chair and watch the days pass him by. My brothers and I enjoyed him just for the humor of making fun of him and the target that he made for our pea shooters.There was a huge gravel parking lot out behind the house which made a great wiffle ball field excepting that you should have to make sudden starts or stops. We would depart from our trips full of scrapes and scratches and generally at least one gaping wound among us. The evenings were full of conversation and of course poker. My great-grandmother was a Christian woman but you could not tell when the cards came out. We would all turn to Dad for our allowance and promptly lose it in the poker game. I do believe to this day that she allowed us to win just so that we could continue the game into the later hours of the evening. I learned how to lose not so gracefully at first , but over time I learned to suffer the humiliation with dignity. I will never forget the trips that we made or the many strange occurrences that took place while there. The flying cat, the unmanned vehicle, the rides across town, the fishing holes, and the family reunions will have to remain lore for now, but all contributing factors to my warping.