Why I Hate Dora
74
|
Petunia Picklebottom Valet Stroller Clips
Price: $18.49
List Price: $20.00 |
|
Petunia Pickle Bottom Tutu Roll Toddler Tote
Price: $119.95
|
|
Fawn: Bedding Crib Sheet - Coco Roll - Cerulean Blue/brown
Price: $595.00
|
|
Petunia Picklebottom Diaper Toddler Tote Dynamite Roll
Price: $119.95
|
Soulja Dora
|
G reuseable diapers
Current Bid: $26.00
|
|
Attends P&G Vintage Plastic Adult Briefs Diapers Medium
Current Bid: $38.99
|
|
G-Diaper Snap-in Liners - Set of 2
Current Bid: $4.75
|
|
G Diaper size Cloth Insert (6) White Flannel ML Gdiaper
Current Bid: $13.75
|
|
10 mixed Cloth Inserts Liners for Pocket and G Diapers
Current Bid: $12.49
|
From the moment I met her, I knew we wouldn't be friends. Her weird butt-cut hair-style. Her disproportionately sized head. Her boring choice of clothing. The way she talks down to everyone around her and constantly repeats herself. Her horrible Spanglish. I am talking, of course, about Dora, the self-proclaimed "Explorer."
Before my daughter, I didn't fully understand how much the day-to-day household operations would be dependant upon this annoyingly animated dwarf. She practically runs the household. I can feel her presence, even though I know she isn't really there. Or is she?
I woke up this morning, in need of a kick start. Another day, another "opportunity" to be a perfect mom. Or try to. Okay, another day, another attempt to not lose my mind. As I am thinking this, I swear I hear someone snicker at me. I notice a little movement coming from my daughter's upside-downPlaytex sippy cup, drying on the counter along with the rest of the previous day's dishes.
I stumble toward the coffee maker, bleary eyed and sore, with half-a Cheerio embedded between my toes. As I pass by the sink, I hear a familiar, high-pitched, painfully cheerful voice.
"Hola, Mami! Buenos dias! Como estas?"
Friggen Dora.
I ignore her, and pour out a cup of coffe, my back turned.
"I know you hear me, Mami! I said 'BUENOS DIAS!'"
I ignore her again, add Splenda, and a little splash of Bailey's. What the hell.
"Okay, Mami. I see how it is. You'll get yours, pendeja."
That's it.
I walk over to the sink, grab the sippy cup, and throw it into the trash can, where it lands with a thud, as no one put a replacement liner in the can, thus possibly exposing Dora to some strain of foodborne Ebola. I smile, sipping my coffee in peace. The clock on the stove reads 6:03 a.m.
"Ma maaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
It's the 2 1/2 year old party girl. She never sleeps. She is beautiful, and demanding. One time she threw up on herself at Disneyland, at the end of a long day. She shrugged, wiped off the "choke up" and wanted to "keep on going." We have nicknamed her "Sammy Lohan" for her ability to endure self-punishment, then defy the odds by pushing through childhood completely on her own terms.
And her terms often include Dora.
"Ma maaaaaa! Watch Doo-ruh. Drink chock-o-miwlk!"
Crap. I grab the remote and pull up the blue heaven that is my trusty Tivo menu. I blip down to the "Dora: The Explorer" file folder. Episode after episode is listed, like names on the Vietnam Memorial. They seem to go on forever, and each one depresses me a little more than the one that came before it.
"Dora and Boots Save Stony Mountain!"
"Dora the Snow Princess!"
"Backpack's Adventure!"
I blindly select an episode, and get back to my coffee.
(Que steel drums and castanets)
"Doo doo doo doo doo Dora! Doo doo doo doo doo Dora! Dora, Dora, Dora the Explor-uhhhhh! something, something, something, Extraordinorahhhhhh! Grab your backpack! Let's Go! Jump in! VAMANOS! You can lead the waaaaayy! Doo doo, Dora! Doo doo Dora! Swiper, no Swiping! Swiper, no Swiping! (oh, maaaaaaaan!) Dora theeee Explor-uhhh!"
I have several issues with this show:
1. Swiper
I would have put a cap in Swiper's ass long ago. What's a masked fox doing in the jungle, anyway? And why is he always taking shit that isn't his? Sorry, PETA moms. He would be a nice set of ear muffs. It's not like he wasn't warned. How many times does she have to say it. . .SWIPER, NO SWIPING!Damn.
2. I'm A Map, I'm A Map, I'm A Map, I'm a Map I'm a MAP!
Why is the map an annoying old Jewish guy? I've known plenty of annoying old Jewish guys, and believe me, they can't usually get you anywhere. Dora needs a ghetto-ass chop-shop GPS system. It could freestyle all of her directions. Big improvement, right?
3. Bridge, Rainforest, Stony Mountain!!!
Every damn pot of gold or abuela's house or pinata filled with choco-lott-ay cannot be found by going over the bridge, through the rainforest, and underneath stony mountain. Enough. Every time with those same directions. Go OVER THE BRIDGE, THROUGH THE RAINFOREST, and UNDERNEATH STONY MOUNTAIN. You know whats going to be waiting there next time? Me, with a big old gatt.
4. Boots and Diego
WTF? This big-headed little girl spends waaaaaaay too much time playing with her cousin, and that monkey. You give it a few years, and you KNOW she's going to be playing WITH her cousin's monkey. Time for some friends your own species and gender, Big Head.
5. Backpack, Backpack!
I have taken the liberty of writing a new theme song for Dora's backpack. You can sing along if you know the melody. Here it is:
"Backpack, Backpack! Backpack, Backpack! I'm a Backpack loaded up, with speed and cheap crack, too! Anything that you might need, I've got inside for you!"
I have drained my first cup of coffee, and I notice that it is silent, except for the Spanglish Dora is imparting on my kid. Fine. It's the closest she's getting to a language immersion program, because I am not dropping several hundred dollars on "Mooshy" or whatever that kids language program is that they constantly advertise on Nickelodeon.
Sammy Lohan is now rolling around on the tile floor, singing along, and whining for her "Doooo ruh!" cup. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the trash can rattle just a little bit, as though someone is tring to escape.
I step on the pedal, and the top springs open. A filthy Dora is hanging on to the rim of the can, a blank sippy cup tucked under her arm. Her trademark brown bob is all askew.
I place her and the cup onto the counter, and she promptly gives me a big, animated middle finger. S climbs back onto the cup, and resumes her regular position alongside Boots and Swiper, a fake smile plastered on her face.
I rinse out the cup, and fill it with chock-oh-lott-ay. Sammy Lohan reaches out for her drink, and gives me a big smile.
"Dink you, Mama!"
I shrug and turn to begin folding a mountain of towels. Perched right on top of the most threadbare beach towel is a wild-eyed, maniacal looking Sponge Bob, a fatty spliff dangling between his lips. I slowly grin, as I hatch an evil plan. Dora will never know what hit her, and all of the evidence will simply be wiped away - with a sponge.
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Love it! One more item to add... why does Dora have to scream? I swear she never speaks using her indoor voice. I'll grab my gatt and stand side by side as we whack that bitch :)
My son was crazy about Pokemon and my youngest daughter, although nearly 14, still loves Sponge Bob
LMAO! I knew it would be good as soon as I saw the name Dora. Self-righteous little swab. Why in the hell does she have to pause so long while waiting for our kids to robotically repeat her mangled spangle to the screen? By the time she says it, my kid is like "SHIT! I ALREADY TOLD YOU!" wtf.
I want to throw the clicker through the tv, but she'd get her little way again, wouldn't she? If spongebob needs any ammo, or a tranquilizer dart, let me know. Her days are numbered..
swiper no swipey, swiper no swipey....ah man.
OMG TYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYTY!!!!!! I thought I was the only one who hated that little snobby wanna be bilingual brat! Her, and Hannah Montanna are sooooo done for! I got the AK, I'm right there in the damned jungle with you waiting on that little biatch!!!
Dora is actually not the most terrible one, the one that really got my nerve is that "map" thing-- I am the map I am the map I am the map I am the map I am the map I am the map....and HE IS THE MAP!!!!!!!!!
This one goes directly to my daughter who has managed to keep Suzi Dora-free. (Did you see John Stewart with Dora? The monkey was willing to throw feces on any target for John.) But what was REALLY scary was the other day when Suzi inadvertently caught a snip of Barney. Yes he's just as big and obnoxious as ever with his macabre, maniacal shit-eating choppers. Suzi wanted to see it! Aaarg. As if Mickey Mouse Clubhouse isn't enough of an annoyance.
C.C. - Thanks for reading, and commiserating. Good to know that it's possible to come out on the other side of inane cartoon immersion reasonably unscathed, as you have!
e3mama - She DOES shout! I forgot to mention that. I don't get it. Good to know you'd stand by me as we cap her ass in a dark alley. Thank you for being a fan :-)
Cindy, we love Spongebob in our house! He's twisted, and that's what we look for in a cartoon hero. Plus, those Krabby Patties look delish! Thanks for reading my Dora hub!
Amy, I knew you would get me on this. So agree about the prolongued pause. Why? E3Mama and I welcome you to join our aggro anti-Dora posse. We meet after the sun goes down in the park behind my house. Thank you for reading and writing.
Goldentoad, I will put those Swiper ear muffs in the mail for you as soon as I skin his hide and set it out to dry. I think they will make the perfect gift for the Hubber who has everything, no? Thanks for reading.
Rainbow, welcome to the Aggro Posse. Now it's me, E3, Amy, and you with the AK. She doesn't stand a chance. Thank you for reading and commenting.
YX, your assignment, should you choose to accept it, it to take a lighted match to the corner of "Map." I think you're up to the task. Thanks for reading.
Druneric, beware of Barney. I thought he had gone into retirement? Evil purple bastard. He's also half-retarded. Why does he talk like that? And don't get me started on Mickey Mouse Club House. Hot Diggity Dog! Thanks for reading, and good luck helping Suzi to avoid Dora in the years to come. It's no small task. . .:-)
dora also has a cousin named alicia, she's diego' sister. just wanted to provide more knowledge into this complex creature named dora.
The things we endure as moms, right? Watching her is right up there with scooping the piles of poop in the backyard so no one tracks it in the house or thinks it's a fresh mud pie and has a snack.
Spongebob takes up my DVR like Dora does yours. But I'm beginning to wonder about even HIM.......
And WHY can't whoever took the trash out ever refill the liner?!?!!!??!!
Dora's exciting bid to make grown-ups barf more than they do at Barney is inspirational to me. I mean, for a while there I thought the Teletubbies were going to make a dash for top billing, and then of course Curious George tries to be annoying, but no: Dora is ahead by more than a nose. (I guess she's ahead by a head.)
I thought I had locked away the horrid memories of Teletubbies. Teresa!!! WHY????!!!!!!! :-)
lala, po, come on PM, name the other two, and the little vacuum cleaner thing that picked up after them. the horror.
MH - I am still laughing!! Thanks for understanding my pain!! And if you wait a few months more Dora is coming out with a "sexier" look. WTF?!? A sexier Dora? I have heard it all now.
OMG!! I thought I was the only one who wanted to throw that little chick out off the top of a really tall buidling and watch her fall. Okay, maybe that is a litte drastic. I'll just throw the people who created the show off the building.
Tootles!!
Oh, that's too easy, GT. Tinkywinky, Dipsy and the vacuum--well, he just sucks.
Tinkywinky is the one who carried a purse!! Great, now I'll be cowering behind the couch all afternoon!
tinkywinky. don't get me started.
Hey! You brought him up!
I'm glad my kid only liked those little freaks for about a month, then he realized they were just some acid trip gone wrong.
I started my son off on Beavis andButthead, graduated to South Park and adult swim...at fourteen he is fine. AND No crap cartoons.
Who writes the stuff for the preschoolers anyway? Dora, The Teletubbies. Diago... all those shows suck! My kids love music so I have been spared a little. We watch the Backyardigans and the Doodlebops. They are not that great either, but at least some of the music on those shows are catchy.
Tootles!!
I want sexier Dora :P
Backyardigans, they are the bomb.
Backyardigans, yes 15 times over. Doodlebops? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
It's "Howdy Doody Time"...G-Ma :O) Hugs
doodlebops are another bad acid trip, they freak me out and I will not allow them in the house, I'd rather the kids watch the savagery of Tom and Jerry then the doo-doo bops
yeah kids tv is just getting more and more disturbing by the day. But wait, there's more - I work in the Mall of America, and I can very clearly see and hear the amusement park, depending on which job I'm at. We have Jimmy Neutron on some kind of round and round thing which the kids apparantly adore, and if I hear one more child scream, "But mommy, I wannna ride the bus!" I'm gonna scream. Apparently either dora or diego have some kind of bus ride that is all the rage for kids five and under. Nevermind the fact that we have a for real for true aquarium complete with real live sharks, no that's not cool enough, we gotta go ride the damned bus! Like, wtf?
We're old school, I guess. My kids dig spongebob, but the real love comes in when scooby, tom and jerry, and thundercats comes on....
The baby does seem to LOVE Zoboomafoo. This is fine with me, if I can manage to ignore the Crack Brothers (Kratt, really - but I like to piss the kids off). Especially when they're "coming from the closet, and they're headed out the door." Hmmm...
THUNDERCATS, HOOOOO! I haven't heard of Zoboomafoo in years, I had no idea it was still around! Not a bad show, me an my lil bro used to pick on the Crack Brothers too, and throw things at them (mom never cared much for the throwing part, cant figure out why...)
Man it sounds like I'm lucky to be 'old'. haha toad hahahaha
Go watch 60 minutes CC!
Okay, you all crack me up! I feel like I am starting to "find my peeps" on HubPages. I am so glad there are others out there like me, who have violent feelings about imaginary characters. I was beginning to think I should talk to a professional, but I am not alone. We could form our own support group.
Also, so glad I wasn't a parent when Teletubbies were the rage. They are just freaky. Same goes for the tranny-esque DoodleBops. Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot??? Terrrible.
I miss kickin' it old school. I can't get my kids into Sesame Street or Mister Rogers to save my life. Times they are a changin.
G-ma Johnson, I loved your comment best of all. "It's Howdy Doody Time."
Amen.
Thank you all for reading and enjoying my Hub. :-) So glad to be of service.
I've always hated that Saturday morning cartoon crap. Now it's on 24-7... But as the Mom of this MotherHubber..... You are forgetting your love of "The Smurfs"... Smurf...smurf.... I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Pay back is a bitch!!!!
Haha! mother ha spoken truth. LOL hahaha Oh so true roflmao hahahaha
OH HELL YEAH!!! Her and that primo of hers Diego too! I am happy to read something from someone who thinks exactly the same as I do about it! My little neices were obsessed with DORA for years. She is lame!!!!
My kids ( being that they are boys) like Old School Scooby doo and Tom and Jerry. Stuff I grew up on. They also like a show called CHOWDER which I have found on occassion is actually kinda funny.....
I love the part you said you would have " put a cap in Swipers ass"..... My sentiments exactly!!!
Keep it gangsta sista! J/k
You nailed it on the big, ugly Dora head! I'm also extremely happy to (first of all) read this. And second of all I'm so happy (as most of you are) that I'm not the only cartoon-bitch hating mom out there.
And to the person who commented about it taking so long for Dora to wait for a "reply" from the children watching, AMEN! I just thought that same thing the other day. I hadn't changed the channel from the Backyardigans yet, and I heard "HER" ask a question, then I didn't hear anything for what seemed like a minute...then she said "RIGHT" in her booming, annoying voice.
Stupid!
Thanks for sharing:)
Mom, if you can find me a tee shirt with Smurfette on it, you know to pick it up, right? LOL. I guess what goes around. . .
JJ, I am with you about liking the old cartoons over the new ones. M5 5 y/o son likes Tom & Jerry and the Jetsons, which is a real relief. I can't take Scooby's speech impediment, so I have not steered him in that direction :-)
Jamie, the pause is the worst! My kids think Dora can't hear them answering her, so they will answer like 3 times, each time getting louder until the pause is over. "Through the forest. THROUGH the FOREST. THROUGH THE FOREST!!!!!!"
(end pause)
It's maddening.
ugly Dora head
This is funny:) I love Hubs like this! Again, I can't emphasize enough how ridiculous television for children is, nowdays. And we wonder why kids are more screwed up now than ever......granted, television is not the only reason, God knows, but a big one.
I read through the whole thing hoping you too had the same beef with Dora- but it turns out we dislike her for different reasons. My beef with Dora is that she never talks...she SHOUTS! Every word is loud and forced. I can't stand it.
You are one selfless mamma to let your kids watch Dora.
Me? My speed is Mr. Rogers.
This was a fun read MHubber
First off.....great read...excellent work. Next. I freaking HATE Dora. That voice.....the miles of merchandise....the spinoff....AAHHHH Make it stop. I've seen lots of love for the Backyardigans and would like to also proclaim my love for that show.
Tomato, thanks for the props. A very good friend of mine has the same issue with Dora's loudness. :-) I guess I'm just numb to it because my house is loud anyway, but you raise a good point. As for being selfless, I can't say that I am. Actually, I think that I am beat-down! I'm happy that this hub put a smile on your face.
RealTruth, thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it,l since I am still a newbie. I'm with you on the Backyardigans. I like that they have one named LaCresha or whatever her name is. I wish my kids would get into it, but they haven't. Oh well. That's what I get for raising them to be free thinkers.
I have never seen this show and now thanks to you I will never have the urge. The line that killed me was the episode titles on the Tivo, "Like the Vietnam Memorial" you slay me! What more is there to say???
come on! why all this trouble just for a cartoon, you know kids are kids and what seems the dumbest and ridicoulus thing for us they dont have any problem,as i said kids are kids and if they have fun with dora please just let them alone!
my advice for motherhubber is "not to make a sea in a glass of water" if you know what i mean. i dont thing this educational toons are really bad,at least kids are learning something.
also about the spanglish, yo soy un latino guy and this is part of our cultura, this may not be a legitim lenguage,but we dont apreciate you talking like that about it.
**Jepkins**
If you read my hub "Apology to Dora" I think you'll feel better. I stand firm on the whole teaching pre-schoolers Spanglish thing, though. :)
~mh
LOL! I can remember yelling "Backpack, Backpack!" and "Swiper, no Swiping!" (always hearing, yell louder!) with my son and he is twelve now. Seems Dora is getting a little old for this game! Good Luck surviving Dora...I survived Barney, when my daughter was young. We Moms can do anything! :D
"I ignore her again, add Splenda, and a little splash of Bailey's. What the hell"
Besides, who can drink straight coffee in the morning? ;)
I recently spent a week or so back in Ohio with my family, got to get to know my niece and see my nephews who had grown up so much. They loved to watch shows like this...
...and I can't help but wonder who exactly is laughing to the bank by creating popular children's television that is often devoid of anything useful.
G|M
hahahaha, but if you think watching Dora in English is bad, you should try watching it in French! It is terrible, terrible, terrible! Cute post by the way. I have 3 kids myself and though my 2 girls are finished with Dora, I have a 1 year old boy and years of Diego (Dora's annoying cousin-as if you don't know) to look forward to. take care
My son is also in love with dora, so can understand what u r going through
Oh my I can relate.. My son used to be into Diego. His voice would fluctuate up and down and just get on my nerves. I thought to my self what other cartoon character could be as annoying as Diego.. Then my son fell in love with Spongebob.. Barnacles!
I tried to shelter my daughter from this garbage and it worked untl she stayed over her cousins house for a night. Now she HAS to see Dora ad Diago... OH how I hate them and I hate map and backpack worst of all I HATE THEM WITH THE WHITE HOT PASSION OF A THOUSAND BURNING SUNS!!!!!!!!! I have to leave the room or quickly cover my ears when there stupid songs come on
I"M the MAP OVER AND OVER AND OVER who the #$%& writes this crap????
any way I am glad I am not the only one
My daughter didn't know Spanish was a language. She thought Dora was making up her own words. So now my daughter makes up her own words. Yeaterday she says she wants a quinciniera. She's white and she's 5.
I laughed all the way through this. My 7 year old son was never into Dora, but someone is rght--she needs to be taught the "inside" voice.
I think your next article should be about the most annoying kids show--The Wiggles. Toot toot chugga chugga big red car..grrrrr.
Love it, Love it, Love it! I'm a fan forever.
my daughter used to love dora ; until she heards that dora is now a little BIATCH to boots and all . oh c'mon dora ; shut down all your tv series on nickelodeon .we will never love u BITCH again
Illegal immigrant apologetics FTL.
I am fed up with screaming Spanish in my house.
C. C. Riter says:
9 months ago
Good job. I'm glad those days are over for me. annoying little brats, the toons that is.