Let me count the reasons! I can't. There are too many. Like many atheists, I was not born this way. In fact, I was born into a Roman Catholic family. I went to Sunday school, something at the time that was called CCD. I cannot recall what that acronym stands for now. I went to church regularly. I went to private Christian schools all the way until my Sophomore year of high school. Even then, in public school, I still attended church with my family. After graduation, I went less often and eventually, after my younger siblings and I were all over 18, we became the group that attended church on Xmas and Easter. Sometimes, only on Xmas. I think I even phoned in a couple by doing the whole go the night before thing when the younger people go and listen to the guitar. For a Catholic, that was pretty neato! Of course, my parents still attended fairly regularly for a few more years because that was a large part of their social network. You see, where I live, in a mostly white, affluent, republican community, going to church is not so much a spiritual thing for many as it is a social event. Not that there is anything wrong with that of course. There were actually a handful of bible toting do-gooders that probably really got something more out of it. A handful.

Anyway, this network consisted of groups of people that helped each other out in times of need, shared a certain set of values (much of those having to do with $$MOOLA$$), and created a positive environment for the children - supposedly. I can remember growing up with friends I knew from church that I also knew from school, soccer teams, karate class and even from the neighborhood. Then there was the ever present possibility that a family would do what was called a "love drop", some night as was layed out by the latest Catholic family values endeavor - Marriage Encounter. What a concept this was. Get couples enrolled in growing together with the help of the church. Help out couples whose marriages has seen better times. All admirable concepts being given a higher level of power by the church. Ugh! Now that I think about this again, it makes me sick.

So, in a nutshell, I was raised Catholic, or Christian or whatever the two of those together would be called - maybe Christ-lic! As I got older and gained more worldly experience, I began to ask questions that nobody seemed to want to answer. I was told not to question God. I was told that certain things just had to be left up to Jesus. And the series of what I felt were honest questions gained in number as a product of getting zero answers. Still, I believed in God. I would look at a stunning sunset and consider that it just was not possible without God. My friends were all mostly Christian of some sort. Not that any of us really went to church, but we all kind of understood that we all at least believed. And then it happened....

I was 21and living in the mountains with two good friends - exercising my right to be a total bum and ski every day.   Before I had left my little white bubble of a city,  my 39 yr. old mother had a major seizure.  First one ever.  It happened very early in the morning and I did not even know it was going on until I heard the fire dept. breaking down the front door.  I had just moved back home to save a little money.  My father was at work and my brother and sister had heard her struggling.  They had called 911.  It was absolutely the most terrifying thing I had ever seen. 

Cut to a couple weeks later and after various mistaken diagnoses and theories as to why this  happened, we got the answer we did not want to hear - Cancer.  Not just any old cancer, but brain cancer!  Astrocytoma to be precise.  Now, I don't know about you but to me, that was pretty bad.  We were told all sorts of things about  the grade of the tumor, the size, the type, the shape, etc.   I correctly assumed that these were all designed to give us some sort of  prognosis.  At first, it was not bad.  It would be a battle for sure, but not a unwinnable battle.  There was talk of chemo, surgery, radiation, gamma knife and all kinds of things that could be used to treat this tumor.  In any case, when I left for the mountains, she was doing very well.

Six years later, my mother lost her battle.  I had since moved back to the area, found my soulmate and had a child to look after.  We all watched the last couple of years as they wore on my mom.  It was bad.  The drugs and the surgery had taken their toll and yet she still had that spark, that spirit.  But it was painful for her and you could see it.  She died at 46 yrs. old.  it absolutely crushed me because we were very close.  People always said we were very much alike.  But, for my dad, it was much worse.  Eventually, I got to be at peace with it.  Actually, I was oddly at peace with it after about a month.  My thinking was that there was nothing I could do to change this so I may as well accept it and move on.  Maybe that was my way of coping  but it worked for me.  My father suffered horribly and eventually was diagnosed with severe clinical depression.  Apparently, he had it his whole life but it laid there still, like a dormant volcano, waiting for the right time to erupt.  When it finally did, it was awful.  He went into a tailspin that took 10 years to work it's way through him.  Now, thankfully, he is doing much better and I will leave that there.  Enough said about that. 

Now here is the critical point.  I cannot actually pinpoint any one trigger that got me back to the questions that were screaming in my head about the human condition, our reason for being here, God, life, death etc.  It could have been raising a baby, losing my mom, watching my dad fall apart or any other minute experience.  With the advent of the internet search engine, I started searching for answers on my own.  I was frustrated and instead I read the DaVinci Code.  Needless to say, that did not help any.  It did, however, get me thinking about things even deeper.  So I started to research things like the history of the Vatican.  I started researching everything I could find about religion in general - looking, hoping for some answers.  I talked to religious folks.  I watched movies and video clips I found online.  I started paying attention to our government and the Christian power exerted on it.  And then, it happened again...

I was getting dressed for work and we had the television on for some odd reason. Suddenly, my wife called me from the other room and said that a plane had just crashed into the World Trade Center. I ran into the room to see the TV and I was shocked. We watched in horror as the second plane hit and we continued to watch until the towers fell. I don't think we turned to TV off until we went to bed that night and none of us slept very well. Clearly, the game had just changed.

In the aftermath, the excruciating months after September 11th, it became clear that in one way or another, Islam was tied to this mess. So, I added that to my things to research file in my head. I had never really thought much about Islam until then. What I found was truly scary. Not just the religion itself, and it's power over depressed and poor populations with the help of silver tongued spokesmen, but the sheer numbers. Islam is big. Real big.

So we now have two major, life changing events that affected my thought processes. I lost my mom and the world went F-ing nuts. And again, I began to read. I began to consume information about religions, policies, dogmas, politics, theories, and philosophy to the point that it became an obsession. It was as if I was awoken to the realities of the world that had been there all along but I had been idonctrinated at such a young age that I never got the chance to see them. I had a brief glimpse after almost everyone in my logic and critical thinking class in college dropped out. I loved that class and I had a natural aptitude for reasoning. I never dreamed it could be used on God! Yet, here I was doing exactly that. Holding religion up to the same standards of burden of proof as anything else in this life. Stripping away the smokescreens, the slippery slopes and the red herrings and for the first time, viewing religion for what it really is - toxic.

Now, I have read many books on this subject and I continue to educate myself daily on my athiesm. I don't have it all figured out but that is the fun part for me. Now that my life is not compressed into this little box called religion, I am free doubt whatever I choose. Believe me, there is a lot to consider doubting. I am a changed person for the better. I am more involved in politics now that I know who is pulling the strings. I am more aware of hate disguised as family values as was the case here recently with the Prop 8 supporters. What a bunch of pathetic wastes of flesh those people are. Get over yourselves.

My interest is to point you in the right direction if you are having doubts about your faith or you just want to learn more about atheism. I have posted some links and suggestions on things I've read or watched. I'll continue to do so as time marches on.

I hope you enjoy this journey as much as I have. It's truly a liberating experience. Now you just have to figure out how to admit you don't believe to those around you that do. Don't be afraid, once you do it a few times, you will realize it's them that should be embarassed!

Below are some links to a few great books to get you started along with link to the various websites I enjoy on the topic of athiesm.  In my opinion, if you want an intellectual point of view, go with Sam Harris.  He is devastatingly smart and his writing is very clever.  If you are looking for a more scientific approach with some intellectualism mixed in, try Dawkins.  Whip smart and ever searching for that bit of humor to toss in, Dawkins is especially good in bringing forth the scientific power behind atheism. 

For a more in your face type of approach you have to consider Christopher Hitchens.  The sloppy, chain smoking Brit has a way with words that make most of his debate opponents shiver.  He is armed with mountains of facts and probably the most well read of the group.  His is controversial to say the least but you just cannot refute him on the facts.  This man can write.  Always funny to see him debate gas bags like Hannity on Fox News too.  Somehow they manage to keep his ever present glass of scotch out of camera view! 

All in all, this should get you started if you want to learn about being an atheist, losing your faith or simply being curious about the journey many Americans are on.  Atheism is growing and a fair clip.  Don't believe everything the media tells you about how many people are religious.  It's simply not true. 

Peace..