Disclaimer, this piece is meant as satire, if you are easily offended please don’t read this.

Not talking of the second coming, but the first.

If Jesus did not come 2000 years ago, but into our age and time what would have happened?

After all, besides the ago old joke of not being able to find a virgin and three wise men, there would be huge problems facing the gentle gentile if he would be here now.

The three wise men (the magi) would be called Melchior-dogg, P-Caspari and Bal-t-hasar, and probably get lost following the ISS. Their gifts would be bad bank bonds, some bling and a car with hubcaps that keep spinning when you stop…. Those are cool

The virgin birth would be regarded a medical non issue, probably would be attributed to some obscure medical condition and disappear in the dockets, however Josef would be quoted on Jerry Springer as saying: “Immaculate conception my ass”, and promptly take off his shirt in an angry gesture, wave his fist in the air calling “ come down here you (censored) son of a (censored) ! “

Although the original story skips a few decades, JC would probably have been what we would call a “troubled youngster”. His claims to divinity are overshadowed by graffiti stating “I rule more than you”, and his early miracles paled compared to the jocks being able to drink 5 liters of beer in a single gulp.

After reprimanding the bullies on their mal treatment of the nerds in with the wisdom “do unto others…” he was found hours later hanging by his underwear in a locker. His wrath would be great, but somehow not taken too seriously after the janitor sprayed his plague of hornets with Raid. He then sent a choir of angels to talk to them but their timing was off, they came after the bong had been passed and were thus dismissed as a cute but harmless hallucination… bummer.

The meek would seek him out and try to become part of his posse, only a select few would be allowed in the inner circle though, where he would turn kool aid into a delicious beverage by simply adding water. He would get into trouble for claiming this to be a miracle, but would eventually forgive his accusers for they knew not what they were doing.

In an attempt to gain more popularity, at the homecoming he tried to feed the masses with 2 breads and 5 fishes, but somehow the hot dog stand turned out to be much more popular, so a lot of his followers defected, he was quoted as  calling them foolish and proclaimed that they would be eternally punished. In a later interview he admitted that he may have overreacted just a bit, but since his word is sacred the defectors would end up burning in hell anyway, too bad.

Prom night saw Jesus’ reputation become even worse, parting the dancing couples and explaining to the hormonally charged teenagers the error of their ways, he urged the girls being groped not to “turn the other cheek”. His popularity reached an all time low when he miraculously de-spiked the punch.

Rumor has it that this weird behavior was because Mary Magdalene was spotted making out with the football captain.

The final exams were not without controversy, since JC get every single question right, the school board had him suspended for cheating… in his defense, he said the voice of god told him the answers, then they  confiscated his iPod as well.  

To Be continued