What Makes Some Kids Become Bullies
90It was once believed that bullies were insecure, frightened, children who made themselves feel better by intimidating and/or hurting other children. While violent and abusive homes have long been correctly associated with bullies, it was often believed that bullies, made to feel helpless and small at home, need to enjoy being in control outside the home.
Advice given to the victims of bullies was, "It won't stop unless you stand up to him. Bullies are really insecure on the inside, and if you just stand up to him once that's all it will take. (Has anyone seen the episode of The Simpsons, in which Bart was being tormented by a bully? After being given this advice, Bart felt he had no choice but to try to muster up the courage to stand up to his bully. The result: Bart made the bully even angrier and paid the price.
Over recent years experts have been studying the problem of bullies, their characteristics, the characteristics of their victims, and settings in which bullying is more likely to take place. It is now understood that The Simpsons' portrayal of bullying was accurate.
Studies have shown that bullies usually have an average or inflated sense of self-esteem. We've all heard of the conceited, cruel, group of girls who delight in tormenting more awkward classmates.
The November, 2004, issue of American Family Physicians, "Childhood Bullying: Implications for Physicians", James M. Lyznicki, M.S.,M.P.H.; Mary Anne McCaffree, M.D., and Carolyn B. Robinowitz, M.D., associate the following characteristics with bullies:
Bullies often have dominant personalities and may be physically stronger than most children. They often have difficulty following rules. They may be defiant toward adults. A positive attitude toward violence, tendency to get frustrated easily, and belief that others will pick on them, are all characteristic of children who bully.
These are often children who are "hot-headed". They may be unable to understand the emotions of others. Often, bullies come from homes where they witness and/or experience violence and/or abuse. Bullies are often from homes where parental involvement, nurturing, and supervision are lacking. Some bullies may have disorders that contribute to their aggressive behavior. Disorders such as anti-social personality disorder and ADHD are examples. Bullies are said to feel little responsibility for their own actions.
Of course, anyone who has experienced even verbal bullying may have seen that bullies can perceive threat when there is none. When they do, they react. With their often dominant personalities, bullies want to be Number 1. While most of us would think of "Number 1" in terms of "highest achiever in class" or "best soccer player", bullies may have a completely different set of values with regard to the trait or skill in which they want to be Number 1. Depending on what the bully values, s/he may see threat in any number of traits or behaviors of others. The bully who has trouble in school (and many do) may see threat from the child who excels. The muscular girl who sees threat in the daintiness of another girl may select that girl as her victim. At the same time, the muscular, aggressive, girl who detests the femininity of daintier girls may attack out of hatred. Some people may even expect to be Number 1 when it comes to things like being seen as the nicest, the sickest, or the one with the most pressing problem. Commonly, bullies may expect to be Number 1 in the eyes of a mutual friend of the bully and the victim.
There are, of course, bullies who want to be Number 1 in areas such as athletic achievement or other competitions. It isn't always, however, a wish for a trophy. Often, the wish to be Number 1 is just a matter of establishing dominance in day-to-day activities.
Evolutionary psychology, testosterone, and the evolutionary advantage of dominance hierarchy have been associated with the process by which bullies are created.
Belief that bullying behavior is "just kids' stuff" and that boys will boys can contribute to the creation of bullies. A widespread acceptance of toys that encourage violence and violent thinking also has consequences, in terms of violent and aggressive behavior being seen as part of normal childhood, as well as children's not seeing violence as anti-social. Contrary to the belief that bullying behavior is just part of childhood, bullies are more likely to grow up to have criminal records by age 30, beat their wives, and/or abuse their children.
Lack of supervision can contribute to the problem of bullying in two ways: 1) Poorly supervised setting allow more opportunity for bullying, and 2) children who are not properly supervised by parents do not learn proper behavior.
Since their behavior does not win them friends, bullies can become outcasts. The world they see is a world that doesn't like them. Bullies can be more likely to suffer from depression and suicidal tendencies.
During early childhood bullies, unlike most other people, have not developed the normal self-restraint associated with aggressive behavior.
Even if it is now known that bullies are not sheep in wolves' clothing, age-old beliefs that underneath the aggressive behavior lies a damaged and small person are not completely inaccurate. After all, aggressive and cruel as bullies may be, they were, at one time, very small children who never quite learned the meaning and value of kindness; or how it feels to feel part of the world, rather than threatened by it.
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As you said, behavior in little toddlers is a different thing. They get frustrated. They don't have self-control. They're just too little to be awfully "socially polished", and part of being a baby is having a "me, me" and "what I want now" mentality.
I think a kid who is a genuine bully (and of an age when he's old enough to be considered a bully) has the behavior just as much from what he hasn't learned at home, as from what he has seen/learned at home or anywhere else.
Dorothy Law Nolte's, "Children Learn What They Live" poem says it so well. I won't repeat the lines here (copyright issues, I'm guessing), but essentially, when children are treated with and taught respect, loving behavior, caring about others, being cared about themselves, etc., they will have that "inner core" that helps them see others as human beings worthy of being treated with kindness.
It is apparent you know what you're talking about, especially about the psychological aspects of bullying. I love the Simpson's explanation!
What I learned in psychology is that a person's core being is learned and fairly solidified by age 6. That would mean a child learns how to be a bully sometime before this age. So what makes it hard for preventing bully behavior is that how do we know if they're just acting like typical toddlers or it's a predisposition they're begining to develop and eventually become a bully?
This topic really interests me because I have a daughter who will no doubt be big for her age (she already is) because my husband and I are 6 feet tall. I have a friend who says her son (age 4) is a bully because he knows he is bigger than the other kids. That's her reasoning and I hope it's not true but that's the typical profile on TV is that bullies are the big kids. What are your thoughts?
I was always the tallest kid in school and wasn't a bully but my mom stayed at home until I was 10 and I won't be able to do that with my daughter so I wonder how much other kids will influence her to the point of overriding what she learns at home.
izetti, thanks. I do think I have some understanding about how bullying works, but I don't want to pretend to be an expert; because I don't work in the field of Psychology. I have had a lot of experience with a lot of different kinds of kids, besides researching some childhood matters. Then, too, I base some things on my own little Nature/Nurture experience with one adopted son, one biological son and one biological daughter (as well as my own family).
Although I think there's always a tendency for an older kid to kind of bully (or, in the case of some older siblings, REALLY) bully a younger one (even in some of what looks like bullying is more a insensitivity to the younger/smaller child's age/size, or else just immaturity on the part of the bigger child); I don't really believe that larger stature kids are more likely to bully. Bullying if usually about a level of aggressiveness in a child, and I've known a lot of larger kids (just taller or else both taller and heavier) who just don't have an aggressive bone in their body. Some may even be bullied, although their size may sometimes make them less targets to some bullies. I've known kids with small builds that are pretty aggressive.
I was the smallest (freakishly small) kid in my class from Year 1 on through about tenth grade (when there were about four other kids as small as I was). I was never bullied, and I never bullied. My own children (including the adopted one) were always tiny. (5th percentile in height and sometimes 3rd in weight). All three were extremely gentle little kids from the time they were babies. Since one is adopted, I believe they were gentle (not "sissies" and very active) and emotionally mature because they were raised in a very warm, understanding, atmosphere and were treated with respect (as well as being expected to treat other people and belongings with respect).
My oldest son (the adopted one, who had learning problems in school) had more problems with being picked on. The two younger kids were like I had been, although my younger son had a couple of incidents of being bullied. His best friend, however, was a very big boy and about as far from a bully as any child could be. (That boy did grow up to be a football star, so he wasn't a "sissy" either.)
I don't think it's about whether a mother stays home until a child is ten. I think it's more about what goes on at home, and how much parents talk to their children (and back up with the talk by treating them as they want them to treat others). Some of the research I've done mentioned that children who witness violence at home, or who are hit themselves, essentially learn that hitting and being physically bigger go together. They see the helplessness of the hitting "victim", and they would rather be like the person "in charge". My siblings and I, and my own children, were raised where kids were told right from wrong (and why) without being hit.
As far as what looks like aggression in toddlers goes, some toddlers who don't quite have the language skills to express themselves or to understand others can get frustrated (and hit or push or throw a toy) more easily than children with more developed language skills. My own three all went through a smacking-us-across-the-face phase at about nine months old or so. We stopped them when they did it, and they grew out of it in a short time. Other than that, they never showed aggression; but I think that was because they had pretty good language skills by the time they were two (when life can be more frustrating than someone so new at being independent can deal with). Being able to have a two-year-old understand, "'We'll get cookies the next time we shop" helps a lot when it comes to heading of what can seem like aggressiveness. :) For the most part, and from what I've read and seen of young children, children should past any leanings to show aggression once they're three or so.
I think, too, though, it's important parents don't look the other way, or be too tired to deal with it, if an older sibling starts to take advantage of, or be mean to, a younger one. Older siblings "learn" that they can get away with such aggressiveness. Younger ones may model themselves after the older one, only take their bad behavior to the school yard and practice on a smaller victim.
Studies have shown that the youngest children in daycare situations can learn to be a little more aggressive; but I can't help but believe that such "learning" can be unlearned if parents do an effective job of teaching otherwise (and being a role model) at home. Three and four are great ages for this kind of teaching, because language skills help children understand their parents explanations. In other words, I tend to think a two-year-old in daycare may have more reason to to show a little more aggressiveness at times; but I don't think that means he can't learn better once he's three; or certainly, once he's in kindergarten and older.
To me, it would seem that even if a toddler in daycare "loses his cool" with the other toddlers (none of whom are great with social skills), I don't think that's a sign of anything other than the setting; although I would think that parents with children in daycare may need to be particularly tuned in to teaching "niceness" once the child is old enough to understand and have some measure of self-control.
I tend to believe most toddlers could be said to have a "predisposition" to being aggressive in the "right" setting. Some two-year-olds are more mature than others; but I know if I had put my eleven-month olds in with others their age it would have been a real slap fest. :) In the first three or so years of life, though, parents are the ones who can help children learn self control (and build the brain connections that let them have it); so I almost think all children will have a "predisposition" to some degree unless/until parents help them feel secure, treasured, and talked to enough to "nurture it out of them" (and help build those brain connections).
If you go to http://www.zerotothree.org there are articles on developing brain connections (and I think that those account for that "core of the person" you mentioned, which is developed by six years old.
(I loved that Simpsons episode, because the writers had it so right. That old advice about standing up to bullies just isn't. Having gone through a couple of isolated bullying episodes with my sons, I saw that - but that's "a-whole-nother" story. :) )
On the subject of kids modeling what their parents do- my husband and I get in little play fights like slap and tickle wrestling. We stopped doing it because my daughter thought we were hurt. We've always play wrestled but she doesn't yet understand that we're joking even when we are laughing. She did begin modeling it by slapping us on our leg or arm and then laughing loudly so we stopped because we don't want her to get the wrong idea. It's amazing what they pick up so quickly.
It seems like experts are reaching for every possible explanation with how bullies manifest. I have experience in psychology, but not in child psychology so the topic interests me. When you talk about "predisposition and the right setting", I believe you are correct- a combination of nature and nurture I suppose.
I guess I was thinking that as long as I model and teach correct behavior that my daughter, now 1 1/2, would not display any aggression, but I was wrong because I didn't figure on what other kids or other sources might influence her. I had never seen her be aggressive until an older girl pushed her down at a play group, but she is also at the age where she has lack of self-control and one or a few incidents with other kids should not influence her to be a bully when she is much older.
From day one though, my daughter is an intense little girl, intense energy, intense frustration with herself and others. Before she was born, I never believed babies are born with personality traits but I'm a believer now. I just have to focus her intensity for good.
Do you think bulyying behaviors can be learned from watching tv too? Maybe some kids are watching programs too young for them.
I don't like tv for children under two (and neither does the American Academy of Pediatrics). My concerns (and the concerns of others), though, isn't about what they learn from watching that young. It's other stuff not related to aggression.
When my own children were between 2 (more like 3) and kindergarten age, I did let them watch Sesame St, Mr Rogers and (strange as this sounds) This Old House and Julia Child. (Not all in one day, though.) I wanted them to learn how to play constructively, and on their own; because I thought that would teach them "the world of play" (rather than have them running out aimlessly and not being able to do "formal" play). One son is adopted from infancy (so none of my genes there), and his two siblings are the ones I had myself. All three kids were super-gentle (active, no doubt about it), but gentle and lacking in any signs of aggressiveness. Our home was peaceful. Still, with such limited tv watching, I can't offer opinion on the impact of tv on kids that little.
My older son, however, was a child who would copy what he saw on tv (when he was between five and about twelve). He would think something was funny and repeat it. I'd hear it later, because it had struck him as funny. The other two didn't do that at all. What that told me was the SOME kids will be more impressed, and likely to copy tv, than others. Since I didn't have violent tv on in the house, though, what the kids watched didn't include the kind of stuff that would give me a reading on aggressiveness. Based on what I've seen with a lot of kids in general, though, I do think they may see some violent-type of act and then recreate it. I'm not sure, though, that the kid who "acts wild" or is big for tv-inspired "wrestling" isn't just mimicking physical activity (and maybe being kind of rough at play) without having "the heart of a bully". Bullying has its own brand of mean-ness and cruelty (and seeming to enjoy it). It's just different from two eight-year-old boys having a sword fight or doing Jackie Chan moves because they saw it on tv.
I put "predisposition" in quotes because I wasn't really using it in the way it is supposed to be used (as in being born with a tendency). I meant more that some young children (for whatever reason and not necessarily because of genes) are a little more prone to easily hitting someone else than others. I don't think my own kids were like "the average toddler" at that age. They just didn't have "tempers" even that young, but throughout childhood. I don't really know why. Most toddlers have trouble with the frustrations and will just naturally hit or throw things if someone/something frustrates them. (My kids were spaced far apart and not in a setting where there was too much to frustrate them, so that could be it.) Most little folks outgrow that "aggressiveness" thing around three (and then become very cooperative, positive, little people). Still, since some children have a little more "temper" in their personalities than others; by "predisposition" I meant that some children will enter their fourth year a little "fresher" than others. What I tend to think (and it's only from observing kids and nothing else) is that a "fresher" four-year-old may be a little more at risk of "gradually slipping into" bullying behavior later. Kids have a tendency to kind of "boss around" littler ones, and if a child is on the aggressive side it's easy to see how he may cross the line from just being bossy to enjoying the power of bullying.
If your little girl showed "aggression" when some kid pushed her down, that wasn't really "aggression". She didn't initiate it. She was responding to being hurt, shocked, angry, and/or maybe afraid and frustrated. As you say, she is too young to have self-control and "be reasonable" after (in her view) being "assaulted".
When I said, "the right setting", I was referring to a home life where being mean, being hostile, humiliating, and otherwise being cruel were experienced/witnessed. That's what experts say often contributes to bullying behavior. The parent who treats the dog "like a dog" (I hate that term) and acts like he isn't worthy of kindness and respect shows a child that "big people" can be rotten (or kind of rotten) to smaller creatures/people. (You can teach a pet right from wrong without being rotten to it.) Parents who are crummy to people in stores show children they can feel free to be "lousy" to people. Parents who let an older sibling feel free to push around a young one show children that "the law of the jungle" applies, even in their own home. In other words, children don't see that rotten behavior toward others/animals is unacceptable to parents.
Then, of course, there are children who are knocked around by parents; or who witness their mother being knocked around. They're at high risk.
I suppose, if you have a child who is kind of aggressive anyway, and who would be impressed by, say, a cruel criminal on tv; that child could be impressed enough to decide to "borrow" that "impressive" behavior; and try it out on another child. Also, experts do say that watching too much violence sensitizes people to it, to the point where they don't see it as horrible anymore.
Bullies are often narcissists who lack empathy. People who are kind have a lot of empathy for others. It may be over-simplifying things, but I truly behave that when parents treat their children as if they are "separate little human beings" (as opposed to "possessions" or "lesser human beings") children experience being treated with empathy and model that behavior when dealing with others. Also, talking to them all the time about everything helps their brain develop beyond just their language skills. It helps them become better with social skills and relating to people. A two-year-old who understands the word, "hurt" will understand when a parent says, "You don't hit the kitty because you will hurt her." A two-year-old who doesn't know what "hurt" means isn't going to get the message. The parent who won't allow a child to just do whatever he wants with, say, the family cat also shows the child that "we" protect people and creatures who are smaller than we are.
I, personally, don't believe that watching a lot of low quality tv, alone, will turn a child into a bully. He may look like a bully if he copies rough behavior and tries it out on a younger child; but I don't think it will turn him into a "hard core" bully. I could, of course, be wrong.
Based on the "worst" bullies I've known, the worst most often came from troubled homes with "goons" for parents. The "not-as-bad" bullies (kids who are mean but not threatening other kids with broken bottles, for example)often came from parents who either didn't pay much attention the concept of kindness (toward all, including children); or else parents who didn't seem to draw a line between being active and being aggressive, but also who saw aggressiveness as sign that a kid could take care of himself. In fact, they kind of encourage their child to be that way because they don't realize that non-aggressive kids can often take care of themselves when necessary.
Experts say that some babies are a little less patient than others, so if your little lady is "intense" that could be her nature. For what it's worth, though, (and, again, I'm no expert or psychic) I really don't believe even the most "intense" babies are born to become bullies. Babies who are "screamers" or "impatient" often grow up to be very active children - but there's that difference, again, between "active" and "aggressive".
I like a lot about what you said about how people treat their pets, people in public (don't tell me twice about that I was a waitress for 10 years), and the general atmosphere at home. I'm still up in the air about tv. My daughter and I don't watch it at all during day but when dad comes home from work it's often on. He has agreed to not watch anything violent. As a kid I remember my parents allowing me to watch tv but I never really liked it and still don't- reality and life as we know it is so much more interesting than tv. I do have fond memories of being a small child periodically curling up in my mom's lap and falling asleep to some of the classic musical movies. What I would be most concerned about for kids of all ages is their time spent in the real world comparitively to the media world (tv, video games, phones, etc.).
My daughter is intense and easily frustrated and she will raise her hand as if to strike out and hit (when really frustrated), but immediately stops and catches herself before she follows through and on top of that she then hugs me. This when she is extra frustrated, but I am impressed that she has the foresight and self-control to stop her action in the middle of being upset. She is easy to frustrate but quick to stop also.
She hasn't shown any more aggression to other kids since that girl pushed her so that's reassuring. In fact, she gets really sad looking and her body shakes a little bit when other kids are crying or really upset so that tells me she is empathetic. She says "ow" when I hurt myself and runs to me and asks "ok'? to make sure I'm not hurt. I am one of the most empathetic people I know (sounds modest huh?) but my husband is probably typical of many men- not so empathetic and she gets most frustrated with him and has carried throug her hitting him on a couple of of occasions so I don't know what to think of that.
Great advice/well said!!!! """" I really don't believe even the most "intense" babies are born to become bullies. Babies who are "screamers" or "impatient" often grow up to be very active children - but there's that difference, again, between "active" and "aggressive"""".
Great hub, Lisa. I was bullied as a child. I moved from a very affluent neighborhood in Mexico City to a small town in Colorado at the age of 7. Having long hair, different mannerisms, and a bit of an accent made me an instant target. My grades suffered and I remember being very afraid. At age 8 my mother enrolled me in Karate and a few years later I hit a huge growth spurt. I went from being bullied to becoming the bully. It was a matter of perspective, as soon as I started winning the afterschool fights it was very much like being a gunfighter, kids would size me up just to make a name for themselves. Eventually through my Karate teachers mentoring, and my mothers good upbringing, by Junior high I stabilized into a young man who stood up for the weaker kids and never started a fight. My Sensei had a great saying, "I don't want about you getting in fights, but I don't want to hear about you losing them either." In other words, avoid trouble until it's unavoidable and then deal with it. By my senior year in high school, I was teaching karate to the beginner class and learning how to become a mentor and a coach myself. I don't know if the "killer instinct" is inherent in some children, but I know that self control and aggression can be mastered with the right tutelage and counsel.
I'd like to hear your thoughts on my hub if you get a moment:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-martial-arts-class-is-
Cheers,
Coach Albert
Coach Albert, thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts on this.
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izettl says:
9 months ago
Great hub and I would also think there is some lack of empathy and sympathy- an inability to feel remorseful or put themselves in someone else's shoes. It's difficult early on to tell if a child will be a bully because most one, two, and three year olds are just learning good behavior, manners, and proper sharing. I think parents may get confused in early stages of a child's life and think the child is just going through a stage or certain age. The behavior then becomes more noticeable in school years when it's harder to change.
My 1 1/2 year old never showed signs of aggression to other kids but recently I took her to play where a girl age 4 kept taking toys from her and pushed her down when my daughter refused to give up a toy. The next time I took my daughter to play, she did this to another girl. I didn't teach her this behavior and it only took one time of another girl bullying her for my daughter to think this was how she should act if she wanted to keep her toys.
I'd argue that this behavior isn't always learned at home, maybe in daycare, play groups etc.