Why Men Flirt
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It happened all innocently enough. I was going to log in on Facebook when I saw my boyfriend's login come up. Well since he did not log out what is the harm in taking a sneak peek? Looking around I found a few disturbing things. Number one, he listed his interests as women, number two he has mostly women as his Facebook friends. is he trying to start a harem here? Number three he was flirting with these women! He was leaving messages for women say that they looked really good. Blah! I nearly choked on my drink. This is my honey? My sweetie who was saying complimentary things to other women? Gnawing at the bit I confronted him. Summoning all my powers of PMS I calmly and rationally explained to him why this is not good. and how it made me feel and why it is hurtful to our relationship. OK so explained the last few things to the wall because he left the room mumbling something like "This is what you get for snooping around."..true... but it doesn't answer my question. What does he get out of it? What is he after? Why do men flirt?
Signs He is Flirting
- Fiddle with a tie, play with buttons, collars or sleeves;
- Smooth their hair;
- Stick their fingers inside a belt;
- Rub or pull on an earlobe.
I realize I am not the first to ask this question. Many women before me have asked and asked. My most educated guess in the reason that men flirts is because they have a need for attention from women. Is his ego that big? I had not thought, but maybe I need to take a closer look. After reviewing his facebook profile it would seem he invited other women to be his friends. How do I ascertain this? 1) He put women down as an interest, and 2) he took off his shirt when he posed for the picture so every one could see his his tattoo. Well he said everyone but now I know that the Women can see his tattoo. He initiated a lot of the contacts too of course. Most of the contacts were light hearted just asking to play those silly time wasting games. But a couple were out and out flirtatious comments. They didn't really answer back. Maybe just a thank you.. What was he hoping for?
Theories on Why Men Flirt
There are two types of flirting, Intentional and unintentional. An Unintentional flirt is when you might inadvertently catch a glimpse of someone's eye and give a quick smile. an intentional flirt is usually verbal. Flirting to some can be a game and an acceptable social outlet. Flirting also can open a door to maybes. Flirting can make suggestions and one thing then can lead to another. Does a man know when to not cross the line? Does my man know? Has he crossed the line? Would he act on his flirtation?
Maybe he likes the idea of someone else being attracted to him. Maybe he just keeps it friendly so he can still feed his "manly" self esteem. Is flirting a part of him that he would be miserable with if he were asked to suppress the urge? can I live with him flirting with other women in cyberspace or in life?
Is her flirting because he is unhappy in his relationship with me? Am I not fulfilling some obvious need?
Or does he feel the need to get one over on his lady? What she doesn't know won't hurt her? Until he's caught at least. I can relate to the "get one over theory" as I write this hub about his actions unbeknown-st to him. Most likely he will never know because he is too involved in his facebook life.
My final theory on why men flirt is that they want what they can't have. Men just put it all out there with little regard to how it looks to others. They make an obvious attempt to gain the attention of an attractive lady. Sometimes it works, Sometimes it doesn't.
Flirting Facts
There are studies that support flirting is healthy for you. Studies have found people who flirt have a higher white blood count that boost immunity and your health. There are as many as 52 flirting signals you can give each other. It is not longer just a bat of the eye. If you were to place two people of a different culture in the same room who were attracted to each other both would use the same signals including arching the eyes, and smiling. The hair flip is the number one flirtation signal. Some people have noted while flirting you have nearly 30 seconds to make some kind of connection. Technology has advanced our methods of flirting.. 40 % of people who say they are looking for love on line flirt with people via email or IM. Interestingly enough this is most successful for the man as it gives him time to think before he acts. He has to actively think about what he is writing. Many people send suggestive text messages or picture mail via their cell phone. Despite our advances, Flirting is illegal in Little Rock Arkansas One can be locked up for thirty days. In New York a man can be fined 25.00 for looking suggestively at a female.
Flirting while intentional or unintentional does not have to be the end of a relationship. It is somewhat human nature to flirt with someone you are attracted to and who you have interaction with. Men will flirt that is a fact.What about my boyfriend? Well, time will truley tell. Only the good ones will know where to draw the line.
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Comments
interesting hub..... a word of caution there too........
Dohn121,Maybe it's the reaction part that my guy's after..I really don't know.. But be rest assured I have a plan to find out! That will be another hub :) And Yes we are still together. and How did you know I was the best woman on the face of the Earth? hehehehehee
Brenda, Yep..flirting is dangerous territory It's all about the intent I think
I just accidently found out that my husband of 21 years was flirting with 12 women on the internet. Sadly, my 16 year old daughter found it on the computer! We printed the e-mail trails and it burns me as I read him lusting all these women. I thought he loved me and I thought we were in a loving relationship. This was flirting but he was LUSTING all of these women. He's 53 years old. Is this a common thing? I kept asking myself - what is wrong with me? I think I am above average in looks and have maintained my weight. Why does he desire these 12 women over me?! Our marriage is in serious dire now. Any feedback is appreciated.
Marina,
I am kind of in the same boat after finding some emails about my boyfriend wanting to meet another woman. I confrotned him about it, but he could just not recall sending that email.
Flirting is all about the intent I think.. is the intent to create an opportunity for a fling or is the intent to to feed the voracious all consuming male ego? If these woman are in the geographical area then watch out! His reaction when you confront him will tell all. best of luck to you ( and to me too for that matter!)
Ms. Chievous,
Sorry to hear about your boyfriend. I discovered that printing the incriminating evidence is the best. They can't say they can't recall sending that e-mail message. Nevertheless, the hurt is there and it's hard to trust again.
My husband e-mailed all these women in his work place and all over the world. He wanted to have lunch with them and told them how gorgeous they look and their bodies. It broke my heart to read this. We had a loving relationship. He just couldn't handle the stress of every day life and a mentally challenged son --- so he decided to reach out to these women for cheap thrills? He said he would stop but how do I know that? It has been going on for FOUR YEARS. OMG... I love him so much and my kids that I am willing to see a marriage counselor to work it out. *sigh* I am always crying, hurt or angry for the past three weeks. I keep telling myself.. THis will pass... How does one regain trust in their spouse or boyfriend? I always felt that if the trust is gone, so is the relationship. Maybe I am wrong. It's so easy to give up on relationships instead of working on them nowadays. I really want to work on my relationship because I love my husband.
Good for you for working it out and trying hard. I am still in the relationship just waiting for the other shoe to drop I guess. I figure it won't long until he lets his guard down again and I find he is doing the same thing. He protests his love to me yet sometimes his actions don't match his words. It sucks... because it just breaks my heart.. Oh well I am the fool that lets it go on...
Just having undergone a very painful breakup with a very immature 47-year-old man (I'm 44) who flirted nonstop whether I was present or not, I can say that it is NOT the sign of a big ego, but rather the sign of a lack of self-esteem on his part. This is much, much worse, and should be a danger signal to you. I say run from this man, he will hurt you by dropping you just when you need him the most, because he feels inadequate.
Men and women are mostly flirtatious by nature. He already knows you're into him, so he doesn't need to flirt with you. He's seeking ego boosts! Even better, he can make himself anything he wants to if he's meeting strangers. And the person who left a comment about lacking self-esteem is very much correct in everything she said to you. You do realize that on Facebook, what you're interested in has choices of Men or Women, right? So, since he's straight, he chose Women. If he put his reason for Facebook as looking for "Relationship," then you should be upset. It may be harmless flirting, but it definitely can escalate into cheating. I have to say that another commenter, Marina, is not the only one to deal with her kind of situation. It is common and it can be dangerous and emotionally brutal if he flirts or cheats with the wrong woman.
I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, in a long-distance relationship might I add. He is an intelligent,charming,handsome guy who has been a ladies man most of his life I'm sure. Girls don't care if he is taken. They probably think, "well I've known him longer" or "we would be better together". They must wonder why we he is still with me rather than them. But my boyfriend is out of this world flirtatious. Most of the time, he probably doesn't even realize because he is such a innate charmer. He is kind(when he wants to be) and has a smile that will brighten any room. But then other times, he is sending girls anonymous messages on facebook or can't stand the fact of not having everyone's friendship(mainly women). I know that insecurity and needing the ego boost are the primary factors, but I'm having a hard time accepting it. To be honest, I think this(along with some other long-term relationship issues) will be the beginning of the end of our relationship. I have never been in love before and it hurts me to know that he is befriending girls who are superficial, nasty, homewreckers, fake, etc. Sometimes I feel he doesn't know his worth, but his arrogance makes me feel otherwise. He knows women adore him and he knows they are messy, but he keeps on flirting and accepting friendships. I have never been a flirt. Of course, once you begin dating the person there's some flirtatious activity. But I have never been the one to bat my eyes, and smile at guys, or even be open to them flirting with me. So it is very difficult when you are in love with someone who is the opposite of you in many ways. He knows he is special, and sexy, and capable of being a wonderful man. Why jeapordize your future with a sincere woman to make your ego feel better for the moment? It is really sad when people take advantage. And it is too bad that we all have our own weaknesses that are difficult to shake. But priority is always better than "living in that moment". So ladies, I wish you luck with your man. If you love them like I love mine, I hope you can work it out without belittling yourselves and justifying his every selfish/egotistical action. A man may be alot of things, and he should make sure he protects his woman, their relationship, and their love(if he calls himself being in love). And when men flirt with women(which ultimately leads to cheating bc men are WEAK regardless of how big their muscles may be), they open a can of worms that screams "It is okay for me to disrespect my woman/family and it is okay for you to do the same homewrecking H**". Excuse my language, but it just angers me and none of you sincere, loyal, beautiful, intelligent women deserve it. And neither do your children. Because they will grow up thinking it is okay to hurt their girlffriend's feelings because she will take it and they will think its okay for their boyfriend's to hurt their feelings because if mommy took it, why shouldn't I??? Goodluck and God Bless!
WOW Itsnot.. looks like this hub hit home with you. And yes I agree that men are weak when it comes to the area of women, flirting and crossing the line. Hmm I feel another hub coming on..
I agree with all the posts that ultimately flirting and cheating is about low self esteem, or wanting attention. And also immaturity.
In my mind, why be married if you want to cheat, or flirt a lot. What is the point? be free so that you can dine at the whole buffet, if thats what you want. I've been both-totally into flirting and being "available" but once I'm committed to a man, I just can't DO it anymore, because I value our relationship and his feelings. But I think if men have insecurities, they will tell themselves their wife/girlfriend is not "meeting their needs" and so justify flirting/borderline or overt cheating, but in reality, their needs must be met from WITHIN, and only they can do that for themselves. If they aren't willing to own that, it could be hard to be in relationship with that person for long. I know, my fiance is a borderline over the top flirt...its an issue...this hub is making me think....
Ensure your Boyfriend's Facebook 'Relationship Status' on his profile says 'In a relationship with..YOUR NAME HERE' it can stop some of the women he flirts with from getting the wrong impression. If I were you I'd also put up a photo of the two of you on your own Facebook Profile, and 'tag' him in it, this way the photo will also appear on his profile...So other women will see it when they are checking out the shirtless photo he's put up!
If you love something let it go . . .
I couldn't help but respond to this hub with one of my own. Thanks ahead of time for being a good sport!
dohn121 says:
3 months ago
For some guys (and girls) somethings are just not enough. You could be the best woman on the face of this earth and still, the guy you're with will flirt with other women just to get a reaction that he is wanted. Some of us will never be content as that is a part of human nature. Some of us will also argue that all of us, "can look but can't touch." And believe me, I'm justifying his actions, but I understand. By the way, are you guys still together :D