The Big Sister Program is something in which I've considered participating if I'm ever able to devote the time.

Years ago I knew a widow who signed up to become foster mother to one child because she thought it would make her home less lonely, while giving a good home to the child. With the shortage of foster homes at the time, she began getting calls, asking if she would take one or another child here or there. Because there was no man in the house, her foster children were girls ranging from elementary-school age to teens.

Some of the girls were in foster care because they had been grossly neglected at home. Some had been physically and/or sexually abused. Others, however, had not been abused and had good, loving, parents. For this latter group, the problem was often that they had "fallen in with a bad crowd", begun to "act up", and found themselves in court. In other words, contrary to common assumption, most of these fosters girls were not kids from homes where there was no food and clean clothes. A good number of them came from what would appear to be "nice, normal-looking, middle-class" homes. This foster mother would sometimes express frustration that well meaning people would try to do something charitable by offering the young girls second-hand clothes worn by middle-aged women (or otherwise not something a young girl wouldn't wear). Although some of the younger girls, taken quickly from abusive homes, would arrive with very few belongings in a black trash bag; the teens often arrived with their collection of designer jeans and other fashionable clothing items.

Even so, what most of these girls had in common was that there was a lack of positive environment in their own homes. For the girls who did come from very deprived circumstances there may have been an alcoholic mother with a boyfriend who was worse. One girl came from a so-called "religious" foster family (where her 15-year-old sister had a baby by the "religious" foster father, and where all the other children were grossy neglected, oppressed, and beaten). Some of the girls from the "more middle-class" families had lived with incessant fighting at home. Many of the teens (either because of their own family's values or because they had gotten in with other kids who didn't do well in school) seemed to think about little other than "who's pregnant" and which of their own teen sisters had how many babies. Two girls had mothers who had serious mental illness.

The foster mother did give the girls a good home, and in many ways she was an excellent influence on them. Still, most kids benefit from having "someone special" who will pay special attention to just them. Some of the younger girls she cared for at one time or another were assigned a Big Sister.

What I noticed about a lot of the girls was that they seemed kind of surprised that there can be such a thing a home were there is no fighting over "the big stuff". At times when there was more than one foster girl at a time in this home, there would be the occasional squabbles over missing curling irons or who "always got the bathroom first". Still, in general, it was a happy environment.

Something else I noticed was that, at least for some of the girls, it seemed new to them that people celebrated holidays or had bridal or baby showers that involved dressing up, decorating, and doings things other than just drinking. They sometimes seemed surprised to see how adults obviously valued and respected children, and often put in a little extra effort to make a child's childhood special.

Then, of course, there was the issue of having plans for a future. A lot of the girls came from a world of teens having babies, using drugs, and having immature, delinquent, boyfriends who had babies with other girls. Just by being around people who lived in a "normal" world they began to see that life can hold a lot more promise for young girls than having a baby at 17, going on Welfare, and going through a string of live-in boyfriends (who weren't very skilled at being "male role models"  to children who were or weren't theirs) in a few short years.

This foster mother encouraged the girls to get their education. She made sure they got driver's ed training when they got old enough. She talked to them about planning for a future and for being able to "stand on their own". Still, there were times when, between the girls' own families and their friends, it could seem as if she was the only one attempting to encourage them and offer a positive influence. When it comes to trying to offer positive influence on young kids, however, even the best foster parents can use a little "back-up".

A volunteer Big Sister doesn't have to get involved in some the parenting matters that someone like a parent or foster parent does. Their role is simply to focus on the young person, be a good example, and offer some positive influence and special attention. Girls have a way of looking up to women they admire, particularly if a woman is not much older than they are and seems to "have it all together". This is so much a part of how young girls are that they often admire the wrong kind of woman. More than one of the foster girls I knew fairly well admired people like their pretty older sisters who had babies. They hadn't been exposed to "pretty, or attractive, older sisters" who had college educations and great jobs. Some had preschool nieces or nephews who watched television for hours or who weren't prepared for kindergarten. They hadn't been exposed to too many people who knew how to nurture a child's emotional maturity or academic ability, or who bothered to encourage older kids to see themselves as having more potential than they saw in themselves. All the things that make up positive experiences (trustworthy adults, good relationships, good examples, seeing potential, learning that one can have a good time without engaging in destructive behaviors, etc.) were often things these kids hadn't had.

To some limited extent, I experienced how it feels to know one has had some influence on a young kid, because a few other girls either told me, or their foster mother, that they liked how I did things and wanted to be like me. Those who made comments along those lines mostly just thought I was a nice person. Some did admire either what I did for a living or how I was with my own children. I was extremely honored (and a little shocked and scared) when a 17-year-old expectant mother asked if I'd be with her when she had her baby. She said "just because you make me feel comfortable". (Of course, this same "tough girl" also shocked the not-very-tough me when a bully was bothering my son, and she offered to "go beat him up" for me.)

Over recent years I've either run into or heard from some of these girls I knew years ago. The expectant mother was proud to tell me she is now married, owns her own home, and has a daughter (born quite some time after the son she had at 17). Another, who had built a career in the field of Accounting, recently sent me pictures of her two daughters, both in college. A couple of weeks ago I heard that a third, who had struggled so in school, has a daughter graduating from college this year.

To what extent the foster mother I knew, or any of the women who came to know her foster girls, had any influence over any of the girls, I'll never know. I do know, though, that I saw for myself how "foreign" some of those girls found those things that make up positive influences; and I saw, in the time I knew some of those girls, a gradual change in what they valued.

Every kid benefits from, and deserves, the special attention of at least one adult in his life. Sometimes an adult can make a big difference. Sometimes he may only make a small difference. Always it is a valuable difference.