In the past two years, I’ve been in two fairly serious car accidents. Neither was fatal, which I hope is obvious. It made me evaluate my driving skills. It’s been a sobering experience. Even if the only thing you’ve ever driven is your spouse to drink, you can still drive better than me. Unfortunately, there are a couple of reasons for my need to read The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Driving.

My Car is One Huge Magnet

That may not be literally true. There could be several thousand small magnets on every millimeter of my car. I have not done the necessary analysis. I also don’t know who put them there—the Japanese who designed and made the parts for my Toyota? The Americans who assembled it, allowing the Japanese to receive a Made in the USA label, which is not quite accurate but still a lucrative tax break? Or both, in some sort of international conspiracy that James Bond, Jason Bourne, or Hillary Clinton would investigate, if any of them were real?

My car has such high-powered magnetic energy that it feels alive. I know this because whenever I pass someone, their car automatically veers toward me. Sometimes, their car stays in its lane but gets close to mine, and sometimes their car comes into my lane. What lane I’m in (right, middle, left, shoulder, or lawn if traffic is really slow and I’m impatient) doesn’t matter—my car pulls the car I’m passing closer.

You would think this powerful magnetic field would affect the cell phones of the other drivers, but these drivers keep on talking just the same.

You would think this powerful magnetic field would be noticed by parents yelling at their kids in the backseat, and if you're going to yell at kids, you must make eye contact; dudes applying makeup; or women shaving. I may've got a couple of those mixed up. These magnets are making me crazy.

I even saw one guy pour coffee while driving and the magnets on my car nearly pulled him into an accident with me. No driver has ever acknowledged any accident that nearly happened. I think they're trying to ignore me and my magnets.

The magnets seem to be the most powerful on the sides of my car, which I notice when I pass other cars. The magnets on the front of my car suck. By that I mean they don’t work well, not that they are a powerful vacuum, which is kind of like a magnet when you think about it. Anyway, I never get close to cars with my front end.

The magnets on the rear of my car are short-circuited—sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. It’s odd. When I’m just driving around, no cars come close, so the magnets don’t work. But when I’m on the highway in the far left lane, going exactly the speed limit (gas prices are high and every little bit helps, you know) and jamming to my mix of 1970s superfunk (all the masters—Bread, Helen Reddy, Gordon Lightfoot), other cars are drawn to my car’s butt like, well, a magnet. That’s when I know the magnets in the rear (or MTR, as I call them) are fully functioning.

Speaking of fully functioning, that's what Commander Data said he was in that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where he has out-of-wedlock relations with the head security chick that is killed by the black pond of goo at the end of the first season. If they had waited until they got married, do you think she'd still be alive? I've always thought that the black pond of goo had a strict moral code, somehow he found out about the android-on-human sex, and that was it. You don't get second chances with some people, especially when those people are black goo with anger issues about premarital sex between machines and humans.

I Can’t Make a Proper Right-Hand Turn

This is a skill I used to have. I know I did. At some point in my driving career, I lost this ability. Perhaps someone could help me. This is what I do: About 100 feet before the intersection, I activate my right turn signal, slow down, and quickly check traffic even if the light is green. Sometimes it’s a green arrow. Some day, I'll write a hub about how the Green Arrow is the worst super hero ever. Stupid Green Arrow.

Well, that used to be the proper procedure when I took driver’s ed. Now, the laws have changed. Turn signals and checking traffic are optional I guess. It’s better to increase speed as you approach the intersection, especially if the light is yellow or red. At least that's what I've seen.

The weirdest change, though, is that drivers don’t just turn right. You aren’t allowed to do that anymore. The approved way is to lurch slightly left and then turn right, especially if you're eating with one hand. Sometimes, the driver goes so far left that he gets into the other car’s lane. I know that’s happened to me when I’m beside a car that’s turning...Hey! Wait just a Minnesota minute! It’s those magnets again. GOSH DARN YOU EVIL MAGNETS TO H-E- DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!

Ok, ok. I need to take a moment.

All those hours of driving with magnets must be changing the chemical make-up of my brain. I can't focus. It’s starting to freak me out. I’m not very handy with cars like one of those car mechanic guys who can pop the hood and check the oil. I mean, who has time to go to Vo-Tech school?

If anyone out there in Hubberville has any ideas about how to locate, remove and destroy the magnets in my car, as well as coat it with some type of demagnetizing spray so that they won't return, I’d really appreciate it. You guys are the best. Hubbers Rock!