Why Sex is Important to Men
80I have a surprise for you, gentlemen: Your wife probably doesn't know how important sex is to you.
Now sure, she knows that it's important. She knows that you (very likely) want more of it than she does. She knows that you sometimes take an attitude when she is less than forthcoming. She also knows that she can use sex as a weapon, denying what she feels is a physical desire of yours.
But she probably doesn't know that it is an emotional need.
Most of my marriage articles here on hubpages are for men. Why? Because I run a forum for women about the subject of marriage. I prefer not to cross-post content and Google likes it that way, too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
In this case, however, I understand that this topic is so crucial to men that I wanted to give this article the most exposure possible. Guys, women just don't understand!
Now I know, I know... Women are so mysterious. There are so many things about us that you just don't "get" that it might be shocking to you that women don't understand you much better than you understand them! But it is very, very true that each gender sees the world very differently, and if we're going to be able to truly communicate, we're going to need to "get on the same page."
It isn't Physical, Ladies!
Sure, men like sex. Most men I know love sex, even. It is a physical pleasure that is incomparable, really. But the physical element of sex is a desire, not a need to be met. Men can live their entire lives without the physical pleasure of sex.
What is more important to your husband or significant other is the emotional need that sex meets.
I understand you, ladies! You don't necessarily think that men are emotional creatures! They don't (usually) cry like we do, and they don't talk it out. They don't discuss their emotions and they don't bawl into a tub of ice cream like us. But that doesn't mean that they are not equally emotional creatures.
Like women, men want affection from their mate. Affection is equally important to members of both genders. But your husband or significant other might not be a cuddler. If he doesn't seem interested in snuggling up on the sofa to watch tearjerker films with you, it is because his need for affection simply isn't met in the same way that yours is: His need for affection is met through... You guessed it! Sex.
What He Hears when You Say You Have a Headache
"I have a headache" has become a common joke. Women are exhausted at the end of a day of taking care of household chores and children and don't feel that they can fit sex into their night. They might be angry with something that their significant other did during the day (or week, or month) and feel that denying him sex is appropriate revenge for his insensitivity to their needs. Or they might genuinely have a headache.
But when you tell your husband that you don't want to have sex... Or if you make up an excuse not to have sex with him, he hears your rejection, and he might become resentful. He hears you say that you don't want him, that he isn't good enough, not big enough, not fit enough.
Men are insecure creatures.
It's not a Weapon, Girls!
Sex is a genuine, emotional need for your husband or significant other. Please, please do not use this gift as a way to manipulate him or to punish him for some perceived flaw. The key is to forgive him and to give him the respect that he needs as a man. Claiming to have a headache or to be too exhausted to meet his needs is humiliating to him and makes him feel like less of a man. It undermines his self-esteem and can make him feel incredibly unappreciated. Appreciation is very important to a man!
Your husband probably feels that sex is invigorating and energizing. After a long day at work, he probably wants to relax with you: and this is his way of relaxing.
I know, I know. The modern woman is asking herself (and me) "what does it do for me?" I get you, and I get your point. We tend to be a very self-motivated society. Let's address that issue!
Recommended Reading
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Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
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For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
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The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
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What does "Giving in" Get Me, the Woman?
First things first, you shouldn't be thinking about sex as "giving in" to his desires. When you married your husband, you promised to love him until death. We are meant to sacrifice for our spouse and for our children. Sometimes sex might be a sacrifice. Some nights you might just feel too tired to engage in sexual activity. And it's okay to say no. Once in a very great while.
But meeting your husband's emotional need for sex can reap great rewards for you, as well! When you give of yourself to your man, you open a part of him that you might not have seen previously. You help him to feel refreshed and appreciated. You make him feel desired and desirable. You fulfill him in a way that we as women cannot begin to imagine.
Things start to happen. He becomes more apt to ask you how your day has been, or to offer to cook dinner. He becomes more inclined to romance you a bit more (in your way, rather than his, which is unsurprisingly probably sexual). You might stop having to ask four or five times for him to take out the trash (he might do it on the first request now!).
Great things happen when you begin to meet your husband's needs. Bearing in mind that your husband has an emotional need for sex, this area of your relationship should not be neglected!
Women, do you withhold sex from your man? Men, does your woman withhold sex from you?
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Hi girls! I want to share something with you that can improve your relationship. Something I noticed that a lot of girls are getting wrong (in my opinion), and it's preventing them from having the relationship that they want: A loving, caring and bal
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What can I say to this hub, please Marry ME xx
Thank you both!
I honestly don't think that most women "get" it and it's really unfortunate. I have been studying (and studying, and studying) marriage, both from the male and the female perspective, and it's amazing to me how many ways we get it wrong with one another. Women, in particular, make very bad faulty assumptions and then blame the poor outcome on their flummoxed husband!
Will meeting a husband's needs open his wallet to me? Hmmmm, I wonder lol
Well, it works for me!
Actually, in all seriousness, I do agree with you, and think it's really wrong when women withold sex like a mother witholds candy from a toddler when they've been naughty
I had a "friend" once tell me that I needed to withold sex from my husband because if I didn't then I allowed him to walk all over me. She extolled the virtues of manipulating one's husband into doing what you want him to do, and how women should always have men under their thumbs.
It would never have worked for me because I consider myself a submissive wife, the heart of my home while he is the head of the household. I would never want to hurt him that way because it would have felt as though I was cutting off my right arm to cut him off from something that is so important to him!
Some women can be very manipulative, and then they wonder why their husbands cheat?
Yes! Exactly! More often than not, men cheat because they don't feel respected by their wives, so they go where they feel good!
Whoa! I love this hub!... this does not only help married couples undertand each other better but it can also be a salvation for their marriage. I'm instantly your fan! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you DjBryle. I'm glad that you liked the article and I sincerely hope that it helps some people. When I first unlocked this information I was stunned that the topic isn't discussed more often in marriage books and articles!
Yes,
You write on right topic. What is the important of sex for men. But this must be on some mutual understanding of both the partners then it is enjoyable. I am agry on this point 'But meeting your husband's emotional need for sex can reap great rewards' . Women should think .
Nice information.
Thank you for this hub. I love my wife very much, but she has a actual chemical imbalance that 'allows" her to be mean and unsexual. I love her and we have 3 beautiful children, but my needs cry out for an acknowlgement that even though I'm the "strong" one, I just might not make it.
even with all this said, I still don't "get it" but I have never argued it. Much like you, I am very submissive - but can't that hurt sometimes too? Do men ever feel like it's too easy? I don't know, wonder it myself sometimes though...
I like the article very much. Every woman must read it.
Kmadhav,
I can't speak for all women, but I have personally been "informed" that I should manipulate my husband in order to get what I want. Women often aren't taught that meeting their husband's needs will meet their own needs in the long run. Men aren't stupid and they aren't brutes. You guys *want* to do for us. The problem arises when we react to the way that we treat one another. Please see my hub "Showing Your Man Some Love" for more information!
tltconsulting,
I'm sorry that you're experiencing that. It sounds like your wife might have borderline personality disorder (or something similar). I cannot imagine how difficult it would be for you.
I take the standpoint that we, as women, expect our husbands to love us unconditionally. We don't feel that we should have to earn your love. So why should you gentlemen have to earn our respect and the right to have us meet your needs?
Please keep hope in your situation. I understand how you feel (I'm not getting any at the moment) in as much as possible (being female), and I hope for the best in your situation!
belief713, I am currently working on a series of articles for women about improving their marriages. The deeper I get into it the longer I realize it's going to be. I might be contacting the staff for guidance on how to accomplish everything I'm trying to do with the series. It might interest you, especially given some of our recent discussions :)
I was looking for a topic to write about today (since I try to publish a hub a day to keep myself going) and you just gave it to me. I will link it from this hub when I'm done, but please watch my profile for it. An article about my personal experience with sex and emotions.
Taram, I appreciate your comments and am inclined to agree with you. Initially I had planned on not writing a great many hubs for women but using my "women's" hubs to promote my own site. I have changed my mind and as I said above, plan on writing an entire series for women on how to improve and save their marriages!
If badcompany99 looked like Johnny Depp, he wouldn't have to be asking any women to marry him :-) Just an observation....
Excellent hub! I agree--Men do need that "connection" with their partners--marriages need that to keep them strong and vital, otherwise they grow as stale as a two-week old gallon of milk left in the refrigerator--smelly, sour and nasty!
LOL Dink96, good analogy there! Yuck!
Good hub this! I really want more women to read this. It wouldn't change anything or the way they might feel but we can surely hope that it does.
flamingoes, discovering this information really opened my eyes. It didn't change my behavior because I have a very high drive, but it changed the way that I perceived men in general. My husband argues that sex isn't important to him (I believe him) but generally speaking I know this information is true and valuable. I wish more women came armed with it!
To *any* men who are reading this! *Seriously* consider purchasing "For Women Only" for your wives! I have it above for you to purchase from Amazon. This book is amazing and very readable! Not in the least bit offensive to women, particularly if you also purchase "For Men Only" and read it. In the end, I really believe most women will thank their husbands for this!
EM,
I'm already a fan so I'll get notice of it when you publish it (your new hub). I've been studying different things about marriage and relationships myself also. I've been wanting to do Hubs on them for a while now but can't find the time to complete them. I think I'm working on too many things at once right now and need to find a system to better manage it all. Maybe we can collaborate and swap ideas so as not to step on each other toes. Let me know in an email - then we can interlink Hubs and help each other out!
great article you know I did make my husband feel at times that I didn't want him. but after reading your article he will get plenty of hot lovin tonight you go girl
When a mans sexual desire wains in the older years, (50's) The average female is disarmed and the man is free! He is no longer a "slave" to his desire and cannot be controlled or manipulated by sex!
It isn't just older men, uncle motard -- young men who have a lower sex drive are the same. Regardless, I believe that this is something that far too few women understand!
very good hub and i will keep this in mind when i get married...thanks :)
I have a whole series in the works on marriage, ratcliffe07! I just need to finish the current Wordpress project first and then I should start publishing some more hubs on the subject.
I really do highly recommend reading "For Women Only" and "For Men Only." The latter let me know that I wasn't alone as a woman and the former helped me to understand men just that much better!
Very nice hub about a crucial marriage topic. It's a biggie for husbands and wives. Good advice!
Your articles are excellent.Best wishes...
Hi you surprise me admitting to being submissive, most woman do not like that word any more
Great hub. This is an interesting point of view from a woman! Keep up the good work.
I am new to Hubpages, but reading this hub makes me want to stay. The only thing I would add is that marriage is an evolving thing, and what may be so about one period of the evolution may not be for the next. Marriage partners who can flow with the changes in their lives and relationship survive the hard times.
great piece BUT,i need HELP.what about when the tables are turned?my women won't even give me a chance to recover!excusses don't work and fighting just makes her want to even more!ive taken to hiding in the bathroom while she hunts me in her garfield T shirt saying things like"want some candy little boy?".shes killing me!...what a great way to die lol...peace..
Great article on the importance of men's sexual needs. However, you say that men do not need sex and are compassionate then you tell women that men needs sex and that a lack of may not make them happy. You are putting an emotional side to men that is not as prevalent as women. Some women has withheld sex not as a weapon but because maybe the love is not there to accompany the sex that a lot of them need. I think the article was a little over the top being a little too sensitive to men who can have sex with a woman and leave her wanting and then sets off to another conquest without a second thought. I think that men are more mechanical than women and does the sexual act for physical pleasure wherein a woman is there not only for the sex but for the love as well (more so than men).
GREAT CONVERSATION --- I am 75 and married to a COLD FISH ( got married when you WAITED to have sex ) but you get busy raising 4 kids --- and finnaly one day they are out of the nest --- and THEN --- you have to face the UNRESOLVED BAGAGE you both brought to the relationship ( if you want the relationship to last ) --- and so --- for the past 20 years I have had to deal with a woman who had a very unhappy childhood and made some bad decisions during those very early years about life --- and never really learned HOW TO LOVE --- and has a TON OF UNRESOLVED ANGER --- and of course uses sex as a weapon -- etc --- but this has turned into a marvelous learning experience for both of us --- and she has learned how important regular sex is for a mans SENSE OF WELL - BEING and ONGOING ABILITY TO " THINK YOUNG " ---- ( she occasionaly marvels at my ENTHUSIASIM as I " fill her with my hot love " ----- and for my part ---- I have learned not to let her get me ANGRY at her " game - playing " --- but to FORGIVE HER 70 x 70 ---- and to also do what can be extremely dificult FOR US MALES --- TO engage in SMALL TALK WITH HER --- something she REALLY APPRECIATES --- and for you NUMBER CRUNCHERS OUT THERE --- we have a HOT DATE about once a week ---- (are there any realistic numbers for what is AVERAGE AT AGE 75 ? ) and one more thing ---- that really TICKS ME OFF --- the almost complete lack of focus on the last half of the MARIAGE CONTRACT ( MEN --- LOVE YOUR WIVES AS YOU DO YOUR OWN BODY ) --- and total focus on the first half ( WIVES --- SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS NEEDS --- ETC ) --- you have to be a healthy mature male to fully understand the signicance of that business about loving your wife as you do your own body --- etc --- there is indeed a whole bunch of PRIDE INVOLVED IN BEING A HEALTHY MALE --- and believe it or not gals --- that pride needs LOVE --- UNDERSTANDING --- and ENCOURAGEMENT --- and you are exactly right when you say you are suprized when your male turns around and does SPECIAL THINGS FOR YOU ---- because you understood and met his very simple needs --- something as simple as EMBRACING HIM WITH YOUR SOFT WARM THIGHS FOR A FEW LOVING and CARING MOMENTS --- and as JOHN DENVER used to sing --- LETTING HIM " DIE IN YOUR ARMS " ONE MORE TIME
nice hub
It is suppose to be a mutual agreement. Not one sided.
@Steve Rensch: I appreciate your comments and your sentiments. I agree with you that marriage evolves, and additionally, each person is an individual and I should remember in the future to encourage my readers to make an effort to understand their parter *as* an individual.
Marriage will ebb and flow but my hope is that by arming readers and fans with increased knowledge that their marriages *last*, regardless of the ebbing of the tide.
@cheaptrick: I have NO idea what to say to you because I'm on the other side of that problem! I have a very, very high drive and high sexual need and my husband can't keep up with me! I wish I had some answers for you! When I find some, I'll pass them on ;)
@lindagoffigan: I just read the article again in case I had mis-spoken or made an error in typing. Sometimes I type a lot faster than I think and forget to read the hub before I hit "publish." I remain confused.
Yours is the first truly critical comment that I've had on this hub. Not that I mind -- I'm all about constructive criticism. That being said, I just don't understand the passage to which you are referring. I said that sex isn't a *physical* need (and that men can go without sex throughout their lifetimes) but that it is an *emotional* need. I feel that the feedback I have gotten from the men here confirms the feedback that I have gotten from men in "my world." Sex is emotional for them.
Ask any man if I've gone over the top in this hub and you'll probably get a pretty strong response. I want to arm readers (women and men) with the ability to choose happiness in their lives (for one another and for themselves). I have discovered through personal trial and error that making my husband miserable does not make me happy. I can't speak for others, but I prefer to think that most people are essentially kind and that therefore the logic works.
As far as withholding sex because the love isn't there, I guess I didn't do a good enough job of covering that in my hub on the subject of men loving their wives and will have to go back and edit it.
Men are equally emotional to women -- they are simply less *relational* than women. Seriously, check out "For Women Only" above. That book (and its companion) saved my marriage.
@Ken: I did an article about men loving their wives, too. I think it's linked above? I place special emphasis on "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and laid His life down for her" (that's from memory so if it's not perfect I apologize). That by itself gives men some serious clues as to *how* to love their wives since we often don't open up the way that we should and communicate effectively.
@sree: Thank you.
@tega20002k3: You're right, it should be. When I use the words "give in" I don't mean them in the way that is most easily interpreted in this instance. Just as much as men shouldn't be overly demanding in this regard (and most *aren't* "overly demanding in this regard!) so should a woman not deny her husband.
@Everybody: You married your spouse for a reason, and I hope that reason was love. If the love is fading and you want to restore it, it's going to take a lot of work. Sometimes that work requires self-sacrifice on the part of one person or the other. It is rare that your spouse is going to start out "working with you" to restore the marriage. Your actions will begin the process and hopefully theirs will follow.
and I thought sex was consensual :) lol
It is. I didn't say anything about taking sex forcibly!
Of course I make the assumption that if you marry someone, you are marrying them and intending to meet their needs. If you love someone and are attracted to them, I'm not sure why there would be a consent problem.
NO, men should never take sex by force from their wives! Unless their wives consent to that lol
If I ever remarry - I will include a sex clause in the vows. lol
Thanks for sharing.
LOL!
I tend to think it's already there, just veiled :) Regardless, it's biblical, as you know :)
good
i love my girl friend so much
You are very smart. Great hub
I think this hub makes a lot of generalizations and gender stereotypes that aren't necessarily true. Some women enjoy sex just as much as (if not more) than men. Also, some men are very emotional and some women, well...not so much. This might be a reflection of some marriages, but to say that sex is something women "give in" to? If we have to "give in", the is either bad or we aren't that into the person...and then we shouldn't with them. It seems like you are saying that women do not have sex drives. And this is very, very untrue.
Just realized I wasn't signed in...but that's me above
colorsuz, if that's the impression I gave, I'm very sorry. My drive is significantly higher than my husband's! What I have discovered, however, through years of interaction with women (many of whom are divorced multiple times) is that women sometimes encourage their (female) friends to withhold sex in order to manipulate or punish their men.
Keep in mind as well that this is Hubpages. If one does not make generalizations at all, then the subject could fill a book (or a series of hubs, which I'm working on as soon as I'm done working through editing current hubs and the Wordpress series).
I have tried explaining the emotional importance of sex for me to my wife for years. She doesn't get it or doesn't care. Her married girlfriends are the same way. I know because their husbands are my friends and we talk. News flash ladies, contrary to popular belief, we married men do talk about our lack of sex just like you tell your married girlfriends how much a chore it is. So the next time one of the husbands is giving you a strange look, you'll know why! It's strange because my wife and I are both Christian and so are her friends. Wake up ladies, read your bible! I do think it says to meet each others needs. I do think this attitude is part of the feminist movement gone wrong. I can tell my wife has always struggled between her religious side and feministic side. She won't admit it though.
After 10 years of neglect and worhless counseling, because of my wife's hard headedness and disbelief, I am leaving. I have my apartment in the works. She still doesn't understand. Maybe she will when my wheels are spinning out of the driveway!
Oh and one of my friends is planning to leave his wife soon for the same reason. His wife doesn't even know yet and I haven't told my wife. Keeping the secret between the sex-starved husbands!
And please don't post and say it's because the husbands don't help around the house or are terrible in bed. The majority of the time thats total BS!
Sex Starved No More, you are so absolutely right! If there is anybody that I am not reaching because they think that I am over the top, lying, or am being uneven in my assessment of this problem, they need to read your comment and read it again and again until they understand.
I am one of those women who has a higher drive than my husband. He's a lucky man! But the truth is that women like me are very rare. Sex shouldn't be a chore, it should be something that is mutually fulfilling for both husband and wife. I feel that for those women for whom sex is a chore, if they understood JUST HOW IMPORTANT IT IS they would take a completely different attitude towards it.
Men are much more emotional in many ways than women think, and I will be writing more on this subject. Just because men are less relational and far less likely to burst into tears over... anything... doesn't mean that they aren't emotional or that they don't have emotional needs.
Truly, any anger here being directed towards me is misplaced, and I'm not overly sensitive to it because I understand what it is to toss anger at an outside party when you're really frustrated with your own life, reactions, etc.
Great comments, Sex Starved No More! I really wish your wife could have understood it sooner! I don't approve of divorce, but I also believe that withholding sex is the equivalent of committing adultery in a Christian Marriage!
Thanks Everyday Miracles,
I must apologize to you and other woman who do take care of their husband's needs. I wasn't trying to say that all women are neglectful in this regard. But, it does appear to be very common.
Just to give an example of how important this need is to me, I am also leaving my two kids whom I love more than life itself! No, it is not being selfish. It is finally realizing that she will never change and I deserve to be happy. I should have the opportunity to find someone that values sex as much as I.
BTW, I have been totally faithful to my wife since the day I met her. Thought I would add that in case someone might think I was leaving for another woman or had been unfaithful.
You probably won't find a woman who feels the same way about sex that you do, but that doesn't mean that you won't find a woman who will meet your needs. I know that for me, personally, sex is more about the physical pleasure of the act itself. It is emotional, but in a very different way than it is emotional for a man. Sex is a bonding experience but I don't feel accepted or rejected based on whether or not my husband wants to have sex with me (if that were the case, I'd be in trouble!).
I wish you the best of luck, and I'm very sorry that this has happened to you!
Sex is the food of marriage...good love is fat love! Great hub! Thanks! :)
Yes, I did experience for years the "going nowhere cycle". She repeatedly denied/withheld sex. As a result the affection and caring she needed from me began to wane. Therefore, we both distanced away more from each other eventually creating the perpetual stalemate. I am not saying that the cycle isn't also started by husbands as well. I know that some husbands start by not giving the affection which causes the wife to withdraw the sex.
Interesting thing though is when I gave up and stopped initiating or being even remotely interested, she started pursuing me after a couple of weeks. Almost like a defense mechanism or something in her head kicked in. But I had already completely given up and now I refused her advances. I guess some women who think men are just sex hounds wouldn't understand a man turning down sex. And it is not usually beacuse we are fooling around or turned gay. They do not realize they we too are greatly affected emotionally by the relationship. We do experience hurt and pain as well!
I believe that any one person can save the marriage, given time and effort. Have you seen "Fireproof?" It tends to work something like that. I'm lucky because neither of us gave up on our marriage. We're still going strong due to effort on both sides.
I will (eventually) be doing some more strongly-worded articles for men, though I'm not sure where I'm going to publish them yet. I have one, but it was light reading, I feel. There is so much that each gender just doesn't understand about the other, and it's too much to sum up in one or two hubs. I'm working on the series for women right now, but that doesn't help the *guys* as much as they think it does!
Hey EM, nice hub. I wrote one on this subject as well some time ago, we seem to agree on most points here :)
It often strikes me as strange how many women think they should use sex as a weapon.. Effectively turning the relationship into a battleground.
I've read it, Essy :) I didn't wind up commenting because I'm the flip side -- the woman who doesn't get enough. It's easier to write about our role as women than to deal with my own lack of a sex life right at the moment.
I'm sorry you aren't getting any traffic. I'm quite surprised!
I love to keep my man happy, and when I realized how important sex was to him, it went to the top of the list -- assuming I'm not trying to get supper on the table! Now I am working on other aspects that he really appreciates.
This is incredibly insightful. Not many people have ever put into words the things that actually are going on in a man's head. Often, it is just that we are "crazy sex fiends" or some other form of this. Truly, it is an emotional need. Thank you for your insight.
You're right, I don't understand it. (I'm a woman despite my appearance here) BUT, I don't have to understand it to accept that it's true. I would go further though and say that the intimacy of sex is also good for the relationship in general. It is among a handful of things that should be off limits to bargaining and so forth. NOW, which of my needs should consistently be met is my only remaining question. It's not all about me, but I do think I deserve equal consideration.
It never ceases to amaze me about the double standard. A lot of wives leave their husbands and/or cheat because their husbands did not meet their primary need for affection and caring. But it is considered appropriate for most wives not to have to meet their husband's primary need for sex and stay faithful? If a wife leaves or cheats because the husband is not affectionate, her girlfriends will say he is a jerk. If the husband leaves or cheats because he doesn't get any sex, the wife's girlfriends will still say he is a jerk.
Never makes any sense to me. Can any wives here explain the phenomenon of "you will meet my needs but I won't meet yours"?
@Ivorwen: About "getting supper on the table" -- that is one of the "double standard" things that I'm surprised I'm not getting more flack for here. It is noteworthy that men do need to be considerate of when they ask for sex. There are definitely times it's best to pre-heat the oven ;)
@tdarby: I didn't understand it myself until I really started to look at this in-depth. Many women believe that men aren't emotional creatures, when in fact we all are as *humans*. Having a penis doesn't stop you from being human and I think that more women need to understand that.
Thank you for your comments.
@mulberry1: See my hub "The Importance of Loving Your Wife" (or something like that, darnit, I'm not looking at it). Not my greatest piece of literature but it's on the editing list, too. I will in the future be going into greater detail on this issue, particularly discussing the issue of not cutting your wife off from communication and relational intimacy.
You are definitely right about the importance of intimacy in a relationship!
@jdaddy: I think that in general we don't always properly understand the needs of the opposite sex. The door swings both ways. Men are very open about the fact that we often baffle them, but women on the other hand tend to hold tightly to the misconceptions that are handed down from one generation to the next.
It's call The Crazy Cycle. Check out Love and Respect (I have it available for purchase above). The book talks a lot about this cycle. I didn't like the book particularly because I felt that it rehashed information I already had about respecting my husband and didn't emphasize enough to men *how* to show love to their wives, but it's an eye opener if it's the first book you pick up on the sujbect. Note that it is a Christian book.
why is it that some partners are unforgetable and others fade?cant be compatability cause the best i've ever had was with a lady that hated me but we could'nt stay away from each other.i know,i know,theres some heavy psycology hear.but it goes beyond that.it seems we come together with some people as though we had an unfinished "thing" between us.maybe it's just hormones and other critters in our bodys.let me ask you,do you believe the heart and genitals are connected?
I fell a little bit in love with the each man in my early days before I finally met my husband. So I would say that for me that is true, at least. Can't speak for others though!
Excellent hub! I won't show it to my wife though. She would swear it's a fake and actually written by a man to get more sex! She pooh poohs anything written about sex I have showed her in our almost 12 year marriage. We had a male counselor about 6 years ago we were seeing. She wasn't buying anything he had to say. He suggested we read the Five Love Languages. I read it, she didn't.
It is interesting about the idea of upbringing and parental teaching. I do think this is a big factor. We are both Christians but I think my wife was brought up in a stricter more prudish atmosphere. Not much taught or said about sex, except maybe her mother told her it was a chore meant for men's enjoyment.
Anyway I've managed to weather the years and stay faithful without the sexual relationship I needed and wanted. I still give her the affection and things she needs as I do enjoy that too. I understood the excuses when the kids were babies/toddlers. Tiredness, hormones, and postpartum stress made sense then. But still using excuses when they are 7 & 10? I can't lie and say that my wonderful kids aren't a big factor in me not leaving. I don't think I can make the long though.
I think the quality of sex is more important than the quantity. Understanding each other on the condition and keep in touch and building the communication are the keys. Your hub so excellent and both sides (men or women) must read this for their sex life.
@jdaddy: The attitude you're describing is very Victorian. I feel for you, I really do. We are a bit "alternative" in terms of our sexuality and I think that through that we overcame a lot of inhibitions. I prefer to be less inhibited for *both* our benefits. It pleases him *and* it pleases me.
One thing that I didn't mention in the above hub is the fact that some women don't get anything out of sex. It isn't because their men aren't good, but some women are simply *that* inhibited due to upbringing and lessons taught to them in adulthood by their girlfriends. A woman who can't have an orgasm might have a physical or mental problem that she isn't aware of that needs to be dealt with.
Additionally, it bears mentioning that gentlemen, you DO need to pre-heat the oven! Women often aren't as sexually spontaneous as their men are. I know for me, I'm a planner. I plan everything. Including sex. AND I enjoy it!
@abinavis: For me, I like quality and quantity in good combination! But if I had to choose one, it would be quality. My husband is very good about meeting my needs, so I'm very lucky :)
I guess my wife is one of those women thats just hard to figure out. I do pre-heat the oven as I enjoy long foreplay myself. Oops, is a man supposed to admit he likes that? LOL I always make sure she gets her "O" first, which only happens with oral. Something I am very pleased to do. (: I actually like to cuddle, with or without sex involved, and fall asleep better and content that way.
I always thought that she just married me because I was a good man who wanted children, professional hard working, and had faith. I thought that she was just never physically attracted to me. However, for years she has vehemently denied it. She says she is extremely attracted to me sexually and otherwise. So, I just never really understood it all. She is very inhibited though. I have always suggested new things that others would probably consider quite vanilla, such as different positions and a toy that just collects dust in her drawer. But I never wanted to feel guilty trying to push her past her boundaries.
jdaddy, I wish there was something I could do to help you. If she doesn't realize that she has a problem and isn't willing to talk to a professional then there's a good chance that she's going to wind up staying the same if what you say is true. Inhibition is *so* unfair to everyone involved. I'm very sorry that you're experiencing this with your wife.
I really believe that we as women have a responsibility to support one another with *truth* rather than the common lies that get propogated so easily!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on a very important subject.
Love and peace
Tony
Thanks EM!
There is one thing that hurts deep which is the fact that my wife has mentioned certain sexual acts that she did with guys before me that she has never done with me. Yet she tells me that I am the person she trusts more than anyone. Perhaps those are memories of things she wants to cherish with that particular person. However, I do now believe that some past sexual experiences with previous partners are better left unrevealed. Perhaps it is true that some women will do certain acts just to "catch" a man. Once she knows she has him, those acts become unneccessary. My wife probably knew she didn't have to do anything special for me. She totally had my heart when we first met!
Ladies, please take care of a good man. My last two cents worth. Best wishes to all!
Thanks, Tony!
@jdaddy: Most women don't think that way. Women, in general, feel as though we are constantly having to re-earn your affections. We obsess: are we beautiful enough, smart enough, clever enough, good enough? We need that constant affirmation the same way that you guys do, but for different *reasons*.
Tastes change though. I know that mine have. Things that I liked when I was twenty are no longer nearly so appealing as I settle into my relationship and mature.
Have you asked her (outright) why she is denying you what she was willing to give men before you?
Interesting hub. I can't say that I agree with everything in it, but it was thought-provoking, which in my eyes makes it a good hub. Well done!
Thanks MotherHubber!
Some good advice. You make some interesting points, and taken overall it's terrific advice to work from. Thanks.
Great work EM, thumbs up!
Its true, although I respect men more if they see it (sex) as a two way deal ,meaning ok 'giving' myself to you includes you 'giving' yourself to me ,in ways that meet my emotional needs.( yes that means watching that chick flick and getting it) or showing affection in public.
Actually brings to mind this little phrase.
'If you want fine music at night ,ya gotta fine tune those strings during the day'
@WhiskeyChick: Thanks! I still highly recomment "For Women Only" because it builds on anything that I can say here and is very scientific in its approach!
@Eaglekiwi: It is a two way street, you're right. When I wrote this hub I wasn't thinking in terms of the fact that some men don't preheat the oven (etc). The truth is that I have been very lucky (in every case) with the men I've been with in regard to that, so I tend to forget. My husband is very sensitive in that way. We've got a good thing going on when we are (having sex).
I love the quote!
I loved your hub. I totally agree with the major point. More women should read this. Two thumbs up! I read it earlier, but kept thinking about it, (thought provoking hub). One thing though, where as my wife is usually williing to "sacrifice" if I want sex, that to me is no better than masturbation. Actually I would prefer masterbation to "Using" her body. It is wonderful to know that she is willing to do this, but what is needed for me is for her to "need it". Then, it is fufilling. As frustrating as this gets, this is what I will wait for.
Yes, Paper Moon! Inconveniently I forgot about that. It isn't going to be emotionally fulfilling if she doesn't want it, too. Rejection is still rejection if she "gives in." I will edit that portion of the article later, accordingly. Thanks!
It is a wonderful hub and if you covered all of the "what ifs" it would be quite the book. You did a great job and I agree that women everywhere should read it.
P.S. if you ever finish the book, I would buy one ;)
hahaha.....good stuff here...sometimes make me feell oh.....
What you say is further cemented by all these comments by men here :).. i agree with you that men have certain needs but I think they should consider, at times that their woman probably had a hectic & tiring day & give her a relaxing body massage instead ;)
@Paper Moon: Thanks! There is so much to cover in terms of topics like this, in particular if one is going to be even-handed to women and men!
@gr8archer45: When I eventually get around to editing this hub (best hub and top earner -- editing the poorer hubs means it might be a while before I get here!) I am going to include something about that or write an entirely fresh hub on that subject. You're right! Thanks!
You have many good points, and I certainly know some wives who could benefit from reading this! I wish I had this problem though; I'm always the one who's upset at the maximum of once a week from a rather "frigid" husband. I can't even make a sexual joke without him being appalled. And the weirdest thing is that his parents aren't even remotely prudish, they laugh at the same jokes. You've started some good ruminations, maybe I'll have something to write about! I look forward to reading more of your Hubs.
@CennyWenny: If you find the solution to that problem, please let me know! I am in the same boat! I would write on the subject but I'm still completely baffled!
like every Hub you wrote on marriage and relationships are great and Helpful for me because I am single and use these information in my personal life.
wow very nice hub i
Thanks for sharing all this information.
Good info. A lesson for all. Please note also that in some cases, women demand sex than their husbands.
Yes, Philipo, that would be me lol
Wonderful posting. You are very correct about the sex concept of Men and women. I like to share one thing too. Sex will increase the life time of both.
Regards,
Sumit.
interesting hub
Great hub, WOW to all the comments, lol!
To Linda WAY back there...the hub is about married couples, not single people. The man doesn't "move on to a new conquest" when the wife "puts out".
EM: I totally agree that women don't come close to understanding this. My wife is a pretty smart woman, and we've been married awhile now, but she still doesn't get (and we talk about it a lot), when she says "I don't want to have sex.", I internalize it as "She doesn't want ME." I can't change that, it is an emotional need. Like for most women, having a husband bringing home a paycheck, and taking care of the "living needs", is an emotional need. "If he takes care of me and my kids, he loves me.".
Thanks for the hub, I'll be having to catch up on the rest of yours...lol
great hub!!! I like it!
I think you are right :)
Sex is a stress buster exercise for men. They desire for it because it helps them in forgetting all tension and take them to another world.
Nicely said, karmadir!
Hey Everyday Miracles,
Great Hub! Very insightful!- Nice to see that you understand men so well- Wishing You Health Wealth and Happiness!
Lindagoffigan posted:
lindagoffigan says:2 months ago
Great article on the importance of men's sexual needs. However, you say that men do not need sex and are compassionate then you tell women that men needs sex and that a lack of may not make them happy. You are putting an emotional side to men that is not as prevalent as women. Some women has withheld sex not as a weapon but because maybe the love is not there to accompany the sex that a lot of them need. I think the article was a little over the top being a little too sensitive to men who can have sex with a woman and leave her wanting and then sets off to another conquest without a second thought. I think that men are more mechanical than women and does the sexual act for physical pleasure wherein a woman is there not only for the sex but for the love as well (more so than men).And I would just like to say how far off base that really is. Frankly, I loved this article and as a man, I practically shouted with relief that finally... someone FINALLY got it... men can say it till they're blue in the face... and most women... react like Linda. It seems hard for them to believe that men are every bit as emotional as women. Thing is... men are encouraged not to show it. Witholding sex because the love isn't there... seems wrong... have you considered that he may be witholding the love because the intimacy isn't there? Both sides come out swinging and get nothing for it. If there's no love... then why is this even a debate? Why not peruse the singles adds. We are every bit as emotional as women. We just have had to hide it. Emotional men are belitled by their peers the same way women used to be (and still are to some degree) about promiscuity.
Great Blog! You brought up some excellent points about the emotional reasons men need sex. It's also for their health and longevity, and for women as well. When women more fully embrace their own sexuality, the idea of it being all about the man begins to fall away. That's when true intimacy starts and that intimacy has nothing to do with using sex as a bartering chip - one way or the other.
This absolutely disgusted me.
sex is not so important, but both couple should make a time table to do sex
So true, I wish my wife reads this hub. And how can tiredness stop sex.... sex is the cure for tiredness.
I can not agree with you more! Excellent! Informative and Correct! I often tease that I use sex as a weapon against my husband to get what I want, but I would NEVER do that. I may laughingly say, "behave or I won't give you any," but my husband knows I am just playing with him." Sex is an emotional bonding between the man and woman. Not just a physical "feel good" action! Most women are talkers! Most men are not, they give and receive more through touch!
I am going to have to read your other Writing, since I like this one so much!
thank you for a well written article. most women would do well in reading it. sounds like you've got a lucky husband and he may not even know it. you've just got another fan. great work!
Beautiful Hub
shananagins! (=
shananagins! (=
I agree. However, your husband's emotional need should not mean that whenever he wants to, you HAVE to.
Good hub! Wish I'd had something like this when I married my last husband, who is a masturbation freak. And getting intimate did not mean laying in bed or on the sofa just to cuddle. He had his share of porn video's along with an 'old' girlfriend who just loved his sick version of sex. Including the dog. If I didn't give in, he got pissed off. What was his was his, what was mine was his and I didn't find this out till after we were married. Oh, he made sure I had an orgasm but then he had to take care of himself. And the more that was involved the 'better' he was.
Thanks!:)
Great Hub! Here's one to keep the relationship alive: http://hubpages.com/hub/happymarriagewhileparentin
Very interesting. It's funny that sex is a very hot topic. My hub on sex has attracted more viewers than others that I thought would be more important. The strange part is that no one really wants to talk about it or go into real detail about it. I may have to break the ice.
Interesting article! Well balance with lots of insights.
I love this article and I agree 100 percent. I was just about to write one myself to say the exact same thing so it looks like you beat me to it.
This is good stuff... I think more women need to read this to understand how they can improve their marriages. I know a lot of spouses see sex in different ways but if they can get on one page, it would surely help in making a marriage last...
Great hub
The whole notion is well done and over baked...
Sex happens in response to a natural need and that need is not pleasure its emotional need as you say...
It an instinctive response given the chance... It has become such an over blown issue because society has relegated it to a past time to be available on command...
Hey folks its a reproductive mechanism of nature and its saying something... Nature does not want more of us...
I personally, love it but it has all that baggage that come with it, so it makes it less appealing till it happens...
Very thought provoking and emotional article...
People always make sex so serious and complicated. Um...RELAX. I hope I'm not gonna be like this when I get old...
I love sex ; I'm a middle aged women and I use sex as a tool to get cups of tea and bowls of cereal in the middle of the night from my beloved is that so wrong?
joula_vegh says:
7 months ago
Ever Day Miracles,
Thats very intresting & close to real life hub , realy enjoyed dat .
Good wrk please recieve appeciation from me.
Andy