I wish I had known all of this before. Yes, there is a lot I had a lot to learn. And of course we should have tried counseling. I know it would have ended the same. But I would have been given the essential tools of survival, since you were unable to communicate with me, to tell me your longings and fears and about how you wished I would just take trips to Europe without worrying how much it cost. If you were going to live your own life, the least you could do would be to leave behind an explanation. I know we already talked about this, but hear me out. We can't always know the why, but this why was important. Because you didn't see (or care?) that maybe I was a little scared too, that I needed comfort, that any nagging inherited from my mother could be stilled with a "there, there, shhhhhh, it's going to be all right."

You were selfish. But selfish with me, it was me that made you selfish, I don't know why anymore. (And you were always the better fighter, by the way, I always felt wrong even when I was right, but hell, that's blood under the bridge now.) You couldn't give me the affection or safety I needed and I couldn't give it back to you. Too much starting off on the wrong foot, too early. And yes, you still would have left me, but I would have understood it better, and not have had to go stumbling in the dark, losing the faith in myself that I really was capable of giving and receiving love. That I AM special, that I DID matter. That this is ME we are talking about - the ME that could be someones whole world.

I'm sorry I didn't let you be you - I guess two people truly in love shouldn't humor each other and placate egos, they should live in harmony and unity, accepting the truth and humanity of each other. I sure hope I find that someday. I am trying to be glad that you already did. I don't want to turn to bitterness, or perplexity. I too, want to be a contented old person walking on the beach. I guess it's not anyones fault anymore, but I am sorry I made you miserable. I hope I can one day make someone else happy. I hope my heart learns how to be open again. I'm working on it, and in feeling happy when I see two people happy in love. That maybe there is such a thing as unconditional love, that someone might love me for exactly who I am, and not someone he wishes I could be. I would never do that to someone else.

I know I am very far behind you now and this will make you impatient since you've experienced clarity sooner, but too bad, I can't let go until I have something that gives me peace. Maybe is the year. And this is the last time I'll say this - the only thing I've ever asked from you since you left me is the truth. Please have the courage to always do that. You couldn't talk to me when we were married, but we're not anymore, so if you want a friendship from me, please communicate with me. You have no more reason to hold back, nothing is at stake for you anymore. It's all I ask. Otherwise, you will always be labeled as THE MAN WHO LEFT ME and who wants to be reminded of that? That's no friendship.

Peace.

May 2001